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Original poster

There are LITERALLY a bajillion red flags here - so why am I still hanging on?

95 replies

kumamon · 29/10/2013 14:22

Firstly, I would like to clarify that my use of literally is intended as a hilarious joke.

OK - I'll try to keep this short, but drip-feed free:

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. Last month I found out he had been meeting up and sleeping with a 'good friend' of his in another city 4 or 5 times since we've been together. Including spending Christmas with her and lying to me that he was at home with family. I know this because she found out about me and called me. I had never even heard her name until a week before she called (I started a previous thread about this and everyone sensibly told me to LTB then).

I've found out since that he also cheated on his ex with this girl.

Even I am screaming LTB at myself, yet I haven't done it - he is begging forgiveness, rationalising why he did it ("he was afraid he was going to lose me and hiding from the pain" is one extraordinarily illogical example), saying he's a different person now it has all come out, saying he knows he wants me. And even though I don't really believe him, I'm still hanging in there and can't figure out why.

Well, it's partly my age - I'm mid thirties, but would still like to think that kids were a possibility for me. It's partly that I do love him. It's partly that I don't want to go through the whole break up thing again (I've had a significant bereavements and break ups for the last 5 years). It's a number of factors. Seriously though - if anyone else was writing this I would be infuriated that they were still in the relationship. What the hell is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 29/10/2013 17:04

He was afraid he was going to lose me, and hiding from the pain? Hmm. No, he has no respect for you because he knows perfectly well he couldn't lose you if he tried.

Original poster
kumamon · 29/10/2013 17:13

Damn Floggingmolly - that is some seriously tough love!

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 17:15

We really care about what happens to you, hence the extra tough love OP Wink

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 29/10/2013 17:21

If you are in your mid-30s and want children you don't have even a day to waste on the wanker.

Just get rid of him.

Bollocks to the holiday.

Given that you want to spend time with him (?!?!?!?) you will not be able to go and then break up with him afterwards.

If you go, you are basically deciding to give up any chance of a happy life.

This is your time - you need to do what's right for you now.

And that means giving yourself a shot at what you want, not settling for whatever crap this faithless, lying dickhead fancies dishing out.

CogitoEerilySpooky · 29/10/2013 17:23

Actually, I'm going to go slightly against the grain. Go on the holiday but take the opportunity to take a long hard look at this man with the knowledge you've got and the reaction you've had here. Enjoy the country and the company by all means but observe him critically and start to detach. It'll be a totally shit holiday but it could be a useful way to begin the transition. Dump on return.

pictish · 29/10/2013 17:26

Yes...what Floggingmolly said. No man has ever shagged someone else because he is afraid of losing his actual girlfriend. That is the biggest load of shite I have ever heard, and quite frankly OP, if you take him back and end up miserable (which you would...he's a cheat, a liar, and an emotional manipulator) you would have equal blame in it. He is telling you exactly who he is and what he does, and you are not paying attention, because you'd rather keep the fantasy that he cares about you and made a mistake alive.
He doesn't, and it wasn't.

Kick his sorry arse out of your life!

HelloBoys · 29/10/2013 17:28

Katie - you sound like you have balls! in a good way.

mcmoonfucker · 29/10/2013 17:30

Have a look on baggagereclaim.co.uk

Take special note of assclowns, future fakers then NO CONTACT.

It would only take one text to this waste of space and he'll be gone in a puff of smoke.
It's literally shit being 'in a relationship' when there is not actually a relationship. If you take your blinkers off.....what is there?

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 17:34

Of course the other problem with going on this holiday with Mr Luvvaman is the real chance with constant exposure to his charms you will swallow more of his farcical excuses and stay with the fucker.
Which would be a very very bad idea indeed.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/10/2013 17:40

Oh men like this specimen of yours all say they are sorry!. They are sorry only because you have caught them out on a lie!.

If there is anything to actually reassess here it is your life and how you came to be in such an entanglement with an unfaithful tosser in the first place. Bad boys after all are just that, bad. This is no healthy relationship at all, its completely one sided with him running the show. He is taking you for a complete mug, you may as well have "victim here" tattooed on your head because that is what you are saying to him really by hanging on. Hanging on for what and importantly why?. Your last para of your initial post gives clues as to why but these are no good reasons why you should stay at all. He will just drag you down with him into his pit.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what innate needs of yours are being met here?. He is patently not decent, let alone father material.

Would certainly also suggest that you look at baggagreclaim.com's website.

moomoo1967 · 29/10/2013 17:48

I agree with the fact that if you stay with him you are giving him the green light to treat you like shite ! My ex used to 'disappear' sometimes over night sometimes in the day time, I think I knew in my heart something wasn't right but never used to question it, but then his ex called me telling me that he was going round to hers to see their daughter, yeah sure at 10pm at night. YET I still stayed with the git, thankfully that was nearly 11 years ago and I have regretted nothing since :) PS he never changed in the five years I was with him, as he knew I would turn a blind eye

Original poster
kumamon · 29/10/2013 17:55

I can't argue with any of this, but it feels like I've had five years of grief and heartbreak and I can't take it again. I don't feel strong enough.

OP posts:
pictish · 29/10/2013 17:56

Oh well...take him back and turn a blind eye to his disrespect, lying and cheating then. It'll be fine!

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 18:00

I know love, it's hard to let go of a nice dream. But that's all this is, a fantasy.
If you carry on playing his game, you will feel a whole lot worse in the long run. Because he already thinks he can do as he pleases and as soon as a better prospect comes along, he will fuck off without a backward glance. Whereas if you ditch the fucker from a great height now, you will always get to feel proud you did it IYSWIM?
Short term pain for long term gain.

noseymcposey · 29/10/2013 18:04

Do you want another 5 years of grief and heartbreak?

mumbaisapphire · 29/10/2013 18:05

I was about to say exactly the same as Katie. Short term pain, long term gain!

Take control. You have got the guts. Cancel the weekend. Rebook your tickets to another destination. The last thing you want is to go to the place you were supposed to go to with him, and then have the possibility of him trying to track you down and plead with you.

plantsitter · 29/10/2013 18:11

If you dump him, I bet you literally a bajillion pounds your self esteem will soar and you will feel a kerjillion times better. Self-hatred feels quite cosy when you're in it, but once you're out of it you realise how it stops you even trying to improve things.

FranSanDisco · 29/10/2013 18:16

I remember living with a guy like this and when I eventually accepted he would never be who I wanted him to be I found I grieved for the life I thought we would have together (marriage and children) rather than for the guy. I was 33 yo at the time and felt my chance of having a family was slipping away. He contacted me about 6 months after the split and I despised his self pitying tone so much that I couldn't remember why I was attracted to him in the first place.

He had left in the May and I met a MAN in the October, opposed to a wank stain. We married the following Summer and are still together 13 years on with 2 kids.

Please draw a line under this relationship and move on Smile.

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 18:24

Oh god yes!
I had one of these in my early 20s.
He started off terrifically, I really fell for him.
Till he started to go cold on me.
Now having balls and all Wink I terminated the relationship despite thinking he was the nads.
How glad was I when I found out later he was shagging his ex right about the time his attentions started to decline Smile
Nowadays I look back and think "yay me!"
And yes, he did try to come crawling back

LividofLondon · 29/10/2013 18:27

"... Seriously though - if anyone else was writing this I would be infuriated that they were still in the relationship. What the hell is wrong with me?"

Low self-esteem? Plus it's very hard to dump someone you love and it sounds to me as though you aren't angry enough (or at all) with him. Also, are you in love with the idea of being in love with him?

I agree with what everyone else is saying and that he is not husband and father material (hell, he's not even BF material!) so there is no reason to stay with him; you're better off leaving ASAP and trying to find a decent man if you want children. Regarding the holiday, I think you should only go if you can emotionally detach yourself from him and it doesn't sound like that would be easy for you at this stage, so better not to go.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/10/2013 18:34

You've had a rough time these past 5 years, maybe this looks like a failure and the last thing you need is more woe - STOP right there, he's the screw-up not you.

It is so easy to let yourself fall for sweet talk and you can tell yourself you're in charge, you're not being fooled, almost as good as a victory because look at the hard work he has to do to get back in your good books! WRONG He is wasting your time, it is hollow when at the back of your mind you just know you can't trust him out of your sight.

You just have to think am I worth more? A 1000 times yes. It's not even breaking up, it's letting him float away on a melting ice floe, bye bye...

HissyFucker · 29/10/2013 18:58

So you've had a hard time, bad break ups, bereavements for thé last 5 years.

Stick with him and your 'run of shit life' will never end.

Let me tell you something.

The word 'Hatered'.

You have absolutely NO idea of the meaning of that word as yet, but by christ if you were stupid enough to have a child with this man, you'd soon know what it really feels like to hate yourself to the very pit of your soul for saddling a child you love with all your heart and more with a shit dad.

It's the very worst thing you can ever feel. I assure you.

Get out TODAY, fuck the holiday, fuck the weekend, bollocks to the break.

You have bigger fish to fry, and that is working out why the fuck you put up with such shit treatment.

Don't you have any mates to bend your ear? Where is your family in all this? Do you not have any RL support?

If you really are that isolated, then please, just trust us, and do what you need to. Put all 'feelings' for this excuse for a man aside and do what has to be done.

We'll be here to pick up the pieces, I promise!

HissyFucker · 29/10/2013 18:59

Grr, hatred, sorry! :)

MerryMarigold · 29/10/2013 19:39

I know you've had a bad 5 years, but I really think if you take control of this, you will actually start feeling better very, very quickly. Honestly, I do.

It will give you back some self confidence that you are dealing with this head-on and doing something about it, and not putting up with this kind of treatment. I think you may even feel better immediately you decide to split up.

haverer · 29/10/2013 20:15

Hissy has nailed it.

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