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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There are LITERALLY a bajillion red flags here - so why am I still hanging on?

95 replies

kumamon · 29/10/2013 14:22

Firstly, I would like to clarify that my use of literally is intended as a hilarious joke.

OK - I'll try to keep this short, but drip-feed free:

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. Last month I found out he had been meeting up and sleeping with a 'good friend' of his in another city 4 or 5 times since we've been together. Including spending Christmas with her and lying to me that he was at home with family. I know this because she found out about me and called me. I had never even heard her name until a week before she called (I started a previous thread about this and everyone sensibly told me to LTB then).

I've found out since that he also cheated on his ex with this girl.

Even I am screaming LTB at myself, yet I haven't done it - he is begging forgiveness, rationalising why he did it ("he was afraid he was going to lose me and hiding from the pain" is one extraordinarily illogical example), saying he's a different person now it has all come out, saying he knows he wants me. And even though I don't really believe him, I'm still hanging in there and can't figure out why.

Well, it's partly my age - I'm mid thirties, but would still like to think that kids were a possibility for me. It's partly that I do love him. It's partly that I don't want to go through the whole break up thing again (I've had a significant bereavements and break ups for the last 5 years). It's a number of factors. Seriously though - if anyone else was writing this I would be infuriated that they were still in the relationship. What the hell is wrong with me?

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 29/10/2013 16:30

What on earth are you going to assess?

He is not the man you are going to marry, have babies with or grow old together. Every day you waste with him is a day less of possibly meeting someone who is the right man for you.

Naebother · 29/10/2013 16:31

Going on holiday with him would be a really stupid thing to do.

Get rid.

Naebother · 29/10/2013 16:32

And get tested for STDs

overmydeadbody · 29/10/2013 16:32

Why do you want to spend time with him? That is crazy.

Go on the holiday if you must, but how will it be a holiday or a break when you are spending it with a man who doesn't like you much, certainly doesnt't love you, and doesn't even find you attractive enough to make any sort of commitment to you with regards to fidelity.

Guiltypleasures001 · 29/10/2013 16:34

Think of it this way op

At the moment your not convinced you deserve better, but I will say that any future children you may have deserve a better father than he will ever be.

If not for you for them, your in a unique position to make a better choice than a lot of us did.

Leverette · 29/10/2013 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/10/2013 16:35

I would dump immediately and then wonder later why I had put up with him for so long.

I am honestly Shock at your first post

Jan45 · 29/10/2013 16:37

So you're now using a wknd break as an excuse to be with him - honestly it's up to you but don't expect a rosy future.

Why not let him stew in his deceit for a bit, show him you are worth more than that. I'm afraid this is more about your own self worth than assessing him and you.

You're obviously going to go but just be prepared for the fall out in the future as I'd guarantee he's going to let you down again and as he is seeing, he gets off Scot free too.

MooncupGoddess · 29/10/2013 16:37

You want to spend time with someone who has repeatedly lied to you and cheated on you? Aren't you worth a bit more than that?

Lweji · 29/10/2013 16:37

Go on the holiday, if you have plane tickets paid for.

Your choice to dump him before or after the trip.

If you dump him, stay in a different hotel (or book one, or pay for a separate room) and go about having a good time by yourself. Even better if you have a holiday romance with a local.

If you dump him after the trip, make sure you only use him for a shag (use condoms) and be as independent as you can. I'm not sure I'd want him company, TBH.

I'd definitely assess now, not later.

Lweji · 29/10/2013 16:38

And if you want children, this is the last man you want them with.

You'd be better off having a series of ONS with perfect strangers.

Theimpossiblegirl · 29/10/2013 16:39

He doesn't respect you at all or he wouldn't treat you like this.

What is really sad is that you don't seem to respect yourself either. You know what you should do, I just don't know what will make you do it. He has cheated on you, lied to you and proven that he will never change (he's done all of this before to his ex). Why on earth would you want to add a baby to this mess?

Please get some self respect and LTB.

eurochick · 29/10/2013 16:40

I was about to suggest something like this:

"If you dump him, stay in a different hotel (or book one, or pay for a separate room) and go about having a good time by yourself. Even better if you have a holiday romance with a local."

Dump him. Use the flights. Book yourself in somewhere nice and use the time to cry it out and think about what you want next in life.

Selks · 29/10/2013 16:49

Your being delusional about this relationship, but I think you know that. Reassess it? Reassess what exactly.
The more time you waste investing in this, the less time you have to pursue what you really want.
I don't know what you expect this thread to do for you really - it's down to you. It's action that's needed, not discussion, thinking it over, "reassessing" etc etc etc.....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/10/2013 16:49

The sooner you dump him the quicker you are available to meet a terrific, respectful, faithful new partner.

I shouldn't but Grin @ Not so much 'red flags' as 'Russian revolution'. On Mars.

Original poster
kumamon · 29/10/2013 16:51

It's ok Donkeys - that made me smile too!

OP posts:
BlessedAssurance · 29/10/2013 16:51

Op, you are not thinking clearly because he has said some nice things to you. Going on holiday with him is a terrible idea. I was with a guy like yours on and off for six years. I kept going back to him because every time we broke up he would say great things that would boost my ego.

One day I woke up, looked in the mirror, saw a stunning woman being taken for a very long ride, decided i wanted a husband and kids, then i DnB. Today i am happily married, in my thirties and expecting DC2.

DTCB

noseymcposey · 29/10/2013 16:52

Definitely do this: "Dump him. Use the flights. Book yourself in somewhere nice and use the time to cry it out and think about what you want next in life"

I can understand that you don't feel like you can deal with this after pain of break ups and bereavement over the last few years but if you don't do this you are prolonging this pain into your future as well as your past, ESPECIALLY if you were to bring children into your future. There will be no happy ending with this man.

Give yourself a chance at being happy because it will never happen with this man,

BlessedAssurance · 29/10/2013 16:53

Don't know why it said DnB, i wanted to write I dumped the B

Original poster
kumamon · 29/10/2013 16:54

Selks - I don't know what I expect this thread to do for me either. But I started it because I felt the need to talk it over with people and, so far the combination of support and tough love is proving really helpful.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 29/10/2013 16:56

You should hate his guts, I think. I don't think it's healthy that you don't. You don't have much self respect.

Do not go away with him, that will just tug your heart strings and draw this all out a bit longer.

SanityFucker · 29/10/2013 16:58

Is this really the father you want for your children?

He will do this again, and again, and your poor children will be stuck in the middle of the mess.

akaWisey · 29/10/2013 16:59

Dump now, at the weekend put your highest heels on, grab some mates and get back out there and start a fuckwit free life.

Madeleine10 · 29/10/2013 17:02

Well you either suffer the pain of a break now and get it over with, or you suffer it 2/5/10 years down the line, when you are in your mid forties, possibly with a couple of kids in tow, self esteem in the gutter, opportunities for happiness missed.

It's so tough when you want to believe their sweet talk so badly, and it's a very hard thing to do, but if you dont want to end up a shell of a person and feeling humiliated to boot, you will love yourself enough to get rid of him now, and give yourself a chance to meet someone who is genuinely worth your love, and who will make a decent, hionest and loyal father to the children you want..

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 17:03

What kind of holiday do you think you will have while sucking up his disrespect of you?
Romantic cocktails after dinner while he sets up his next extra curricular shagathon?
Actually shagging the cock rotted bastard yourself?
Visiting his family having to pretend everything is wonderful?
Being forced to spend the entire time in his company listening to his self serving, woe is me, lying shite?
Doesn't sound like much of a fun time to me.