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Relationships

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Original poster

How do you settle arguments?

25 replies

MrsSparkles · 27/10/2013 20:59

Can I ask how you settle disagreements, where you just can't reach an agreement?

DH and I sometimes have arguments where we just can't reach an agreement (currently where DD should be at nursery). Obviously one of us has to give, usually its me (I like a quiet life!) But there are a couple of thing that I feel really strongly about that I don't want to give in on, and no matter how much we talk we cannot reach a consensus.

Any suggestions on how to move forwards?

OP posts:

GiveMeSomeSpace · 27/10/2013 21:03

No1 by arguing dispassionately (difficult)

That's about it - apart from accepting there are some things that you'll never settle on - hopefully things that aren't show stoppers.......

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2013 21:03

If it's not happening every day, if you've picked your battle and if you feel strongly about it, simply say that you're not going to discuss it any more and he has to comply. You may usually cave but he has to back down on this occasion. Consensus is not always possible.

ModreB · 27/10/2013 21:05

Write a list. Pro's and Con's of what you both want. Then discuss without shouting.

notanyanymore · 27/10/2013 21:06

why is he arguing with you about it?

notanyanymore · 27/10/2013 21:07

Oh CES said what I wanted to say but didn't know how to put it!

VerySmallSqueak · 27/10/2013 21:08

If it's politics we agree to disagree.

Anything else we sulk and see who caves in first.

humphryscorner · 27/10/2013 21:10

I cry. Its really sad I know, but it works! He is a sucker for crocodile tears

VerySmallSqueak · 27/10/2013 21:10

If it's something really serious,like a life affecting decision, you have to agree to look into it and think about it,and research both POV.

RandomMess · 27/10/2013 21:11

Pros & cons list a very good starting point for this one.

Original poster

MrsSparkles · 27/10/2013 21:59

No - it's not every day :) It's just a couple of really big issues where we are literally at an impasse.

The trouble is I'm not a sulker, I get really mad, shout and then forget about things 10 minutes later. DH will sulk for days it I don't give in (hence why I usually do), he is soooo stubborn.

Ces I like that idea, but he's like a child and threatens to leave if I do that, and its usually to do with DD, so I feel bad saying its my way or the highway, I think we need to parent together.

OP posts:

Pilgit · 27/10/2013 22:12

Yes, you do need to parent together and there is definately always a time and place to be the one to give in.

me and DH will shout and scream at each other (not a great example) but then once we've got that out of the way we will try and understand why we each think the way we do. We will try and see the other's point of view then see if we can find a compromise. Thankfully, we are usually on the same page about what we want in terms of parenting and differnces come from differnt approaches to the same goal (iyswim). This means we can usually find a solution. If we still can't agree the person who feels stronger about it will usually get their way.

Making threats to get his way is pretty childish. What you don't want is for that to eliminate your voice as that will erode your marriage.

WinterBlondie83 · 27/10/2013 22:16

I think I've always managed to argue my way around something. Basically provide enough evidence that I'm right, in the end dh usually just gets bored and says okay, fair enough!

On the occasion he doesn't do this and continues to argue his point, I'll back down.

I do think its important that both of you get your way at some point otherwise it's a bit of a dictatorship!?

Also I'm surprised he threatens to leave? Do you mean actually leave or just go out to cool off?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2013 22:29

If he threatens to leave, call his bluff. It's bullying to threaten the entire relationship just because he doesn't get his own way. Keep giving in for a quiet life and he gains confidence and becomes a bigger bully.

Make a stand. Call his bluff.

Original poster

MrsSparkles · 28/10/2013 11:02

CES - I'm actually about to have to have to. Nothing relationship related but workwise - he completely disagrees with something I'm about to do (I'm self employed), but I have to do it for the sake of the business. So we'll see where we end up (I strongly suspect with lots of sulking, but little leaving!)

OP posts:

Scarymuff · 28/10/2013 11:18

Threatening to leave and sulking are both behaviours designed to control you, are you aware of that?

mayorquimby · 28/10/2013 11:27

Suely it's equally bullying to say "well tough we're doing it my way cause I say so"
What if he simply responds in kind?

RandomMess · 28/10/2013 11:32

What are his arguments against what you want to do? Just to see if they are based on him not liking change/it impacts on him rather than he has a an equally valid but opposing point of view.

Has he managed to come up with an alternative suggestion?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 11:37

"well tough we're doing it my way cause I say so""

If this was the standard response to any disagreement it would be bullying. As an occasional way of settling matters when there is no consensus, it's assertive and authoritative. By contrast 'I'm leaving if I don't get my own way' is emotional blackmail.

Scarymuff · 28/10/2013 11:51

What are his objections to the nursery that you want?

Who will be getting the child to and from the nursery?

CuChullain · 28/10/2013 11:55

We are pretty closely alligned with our general views and perpective on life which helps but the main catalyst to reaching an agreement is that we live in a one bed flat and it is simply too small for us to be in a grump with each other for any length of time. We kind of have an unwritten rule that we reslove our bun fights before we go to bed.

Original poster

MrsSparkles · 28/10/2013 12:20

Right - I'll try to explain a bit of the background - long so apologies. Until recently We lived v close to DH's job, which meant DD and I had to stay away 2 nights a week (with my parents) so I could get to my job. She is currently in nursery there.

This didn't really work, so we've moved to a middle point (an hours commute for both of us in opposite directions). Currently 3 days a week DD comes with me to work to her nursery so I do all the nursery stuff. I wanted to move her closer to our new home, as I think the drive is a bit long for her, plus we're ttc no 2 and so I won't be doing that long trip. He wanted to leave her where she is.

We saw 2 nurseries close to home, I liked one, he liked the other - as it was close to the station (but out of my way) he said he could then drop her off. I forsee this lasting about 2 weeks before he decides its too much hassle and I need to do it as my job is more flexible. Plus we've also agreed where we live is a bit crap and we want to move to another town.

So as we couldn't agree I've left her where she is, didn't tell him this is what we were doing - as I thought it was pretty clear because couldn't agree on a nursery and there's no point moving her twice.

But he then lost his temper and said I was making decisions without consulting him, whereas I don't see it as making a decision as nothings changed, and it's what he wanted all along!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSparkles · 28/10/2013 12:23

scary - I'm not sure if its control, it just seems to be his only response in these cases. Possibly because he knows he doesn't have a strong argument so this is the only thing he can say to try to stop me doing it?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/10/2013 12:25

He seems to be cross that you haven't conceeded to what he wants

How old is DD btw? I totall agree if you're going to move again there is little point changing her nursery unless you are unhappy with it.

Dirtybadger · 28/10/2013 12:31

I don't see that as making a decision either. You couldn't agree so you're keeping things as they are until you come to an agreement. Seems perfectly reasonable?

Me and DP literally only have one room and a toilet so we can't really have too many huffs. I don't really think we've had too many disagreements (only been together 3 years). We have very different values but respect that. We are both quite "evidence" based- deal with facts not emotions- so if we don't agree we each find evidence to support our stance and the side with most convincing evidence will usually be the right choice. It's not the most efficient way to decide things but hey.

TwoStepsBeyond · 28/10/2013 12:50

I would say that while everything else is up in the air it's the right decision not to move your dd.

As you'll be the one most affected by it in future (regardless of his empty offer of help, you know it will end up falling to you most of the time) just make the decision that works for you and dd.

Alternatively tell him straight that if you choose the one nearest his work then it becomes entirely his responsibility every day, in emergencies he will be the one called out of work if she is ill and has to come home etc, as it will be inconvenient for you being so far away.

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