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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel a bit rejected...

11 replies

meikyo · 27/10/2013 01:30

Had a lovely night out tonight with DP..movie then dinner. Been together over 3 years, living together for 1yr. On our own this weekend..his DC are older and at uni..my DC with ex H.
Had a romantic weekend away with DP a few weeks ago. He has been divorced for 10 yrs and my divorce was 5 yrs ago.
At home on sofa after night out I asked DP if he has ever thought about us getting married..he seemed really surprised and said "No not really"...feel a bit shit now..have misread him..as he has previously hinted he was keen...

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 27/10/2013 01:35

Is it important to you that you remarry?

I never married DP and we'll be 28 years in January, you don't always need that bit of paper.

Sometimes I think DP might have felt a bit rejected but I just didn't want to be married.

eden263 · 27/10/2013 01:39

Not wanting to marry you isn't the same as not wanting to be with you. It might just be that he has genuinely never thought of marrying you, despite being quite happy living with you, and you caught him off guard. Don't take it personally, tomorrow is another day and you probably won't feel so hurt after you've slept on it.

Original poster

meikyo · 27/10/2013 01:42

I feel that it is important to me yes. DP was engaged to his previous partner...she was his GF after his ex wife and they split up a couple of years before he met me. I feel "not good enough"...obv not as good as exW (fwiw she left hin) or ex GF (he left her). Not planning any more DCs but would like to be married.

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 27/10/2013 01:43

He also might have not thought of marrying again at all, if his divorce was unpleasant he might just be happy to just be happy iyswim.

And if you make him happy and vice versa what's not to like/love?

reelingintheyears · 27/10/2013 01:59

Talk, tell him how you feel.

Maybe he doesn't know what it means to you.

When you say you would like to be married, is it him you really, really want to be married to.

reelingintheyears · 27/10/2013 01:01

The not as good as ex wife bit is irrelevant, sometimes people marry when they are young and it's not the right thing.

It doesn't mean at all that you are not good enough.

olathelawyer05 · 27/10/2013 01:55

You asked him a question, and it seems he gave you a frank and honest answer. Intelligent men who have been through a divorce tend to get very logical about the supposed benefits of being married (often a few thousand pounds too late...but you learn). I wouldn't feel bad about the reply, as it probably isn't a reflection on you.

Does he strike you as a very logical sort? (In my ideal world, all men would be logical sorts, but that's another issue). If so, then may have been through a personal thought process on marriage, and you should tread carefully if you're planning to raise the issue again. To such a man, it will rarely be good enough to say "...its really important to me" or "...I'd like to be married" without rationalising it somehow. He may just see a woman for whom being 'married' is more important than being with 'him'. Good luck.

Roshbegosh · 27/10/2013 02:15

It isn't a rejection if he has just been coasting along enjoying being with you without thinking of your long term future. He might not have given this any thought yet. You need to think about whether being married is a deal breaker for you. It is a good thing that he isn't the sort of man who rushes from one failed life time commitment to another with babies all over the place. He has learnt to be cautious.

Cerisier · 27/10/2013 02:51

There is no harm in being cautious, he sounds a careful man. What is the advantage to him of getting married again? It will make more work in sorting out any inheritance for his children and support for you in the event of his death. The status quo sounds enjoyable and uncomplicated to be honest.

mynewpassion · 27/10/2013 03:27

Why is marriage important? Is it to show commitment? Financial protection reasons?

He can propose but never actually marry you like his ex-gf. Would that be ok with you because then it will make you "equal or good enough" like her?

DottyboutDots · 27/10/2013 04:34

I would never live with a partner long term. I'm of the school of 'I love you so we should be properly legally committed and a team or, I really like you but want to keep my options open and my house to myself'. Sadly it's usually women who end up more vulnerable as they have, typically, less financial power.

After seeing a few divorces I would recommend fixing him with a gimlet eye and thinking, do I love you enough to risk giving you half of my assets? If not, then keep the status quo.

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