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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

affair found out

52 replies

lindie11 · 26/10/2013 21:57

Got a dilema - do i publically humiliate & let know to the chavie skank & her friends, etc; who I found out has been shagging my partner of 10 yrs for the last few months. Discovered not just sex but they were shacked up - she moved him in after issues with his boss/landlord. She'd kept hubby secret from most family/friends, didnt introduce to anyone - wasnt "hers" to really. His colleagues/friends knew (he works away) - some ive met/occassionally socialised with. She knew he was married, came home every weekend, rang me every night - whilst she was there. She came onto hubby when both drunk and had boyfriend of her own - greedy bitch. Boyfriend dumped her for a mate to which she'd the audacity to whinge & carry on. She's lied & deceived for months and it angers me that I was oblivious and she knew exactly what she was doing, is now playing hard done to "been dumped" line but I know they wont know the truth. Ive gone through rage anger tears - to hubby - but short of long drive and off chance of then bumping into her cant directly vent at her. She turned a loving kind gullable man into someone I dont know any more and havent done for months. Hubby has confessed all, is ashamed, dumped her straight away. He says no good can come of any revenge (he dont know what im planning). But im now raging again and feel she should get pay back & her "friends" should know what a shallow, lying, deceiptful, easy slapper she is. Dilema as to do I I let rip?

OP posts:

nosleeptilever · 26/10/2013 22:01

ummm.... tell me again who it was who betrayed you? It wasn't her, IT WAS YOUR HUSBAND. You're barking up the wrong tree.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 22:03

No-one can turn a faithful man into a cheat against his will. Point your rage at the man that promised to 'forsake all others' and then shat on you from a great height voluntarily. Going after the OW solves nothing.

cloudskitchen · 26/10/2013 22:07

Why are you blaming this all on OW? This is your dh fault. He was the one that made a commitment to you and it's him you should be angry with. He's getting off very lightly.

MorrisZapp · 26/10/2013 22:08

She didn't turn him into anything, sorry. He has to own what he did.

haverer · 26/10/2013 22:08

She didn't deceive you, your husband did. I know it might feel easier I believe that she somehow controlled his mind, and it's all her fault, but I think you need to direct your feelings towards the person who did deceive and lie to you. I'm sorry your husband cheated.

LittlePeaPod · 26/10/2013 22:20

Op i am so sorry you are going through this. you have every tight to be angry and hurt. I have utterly no sympathy for anyone that has an affair. But I have to say that you are focusing way to much on the other woman. Yes she's a skank for doing what she did but your DH is just as much of a skank. I doubt she dragged him kicking and screaming into her bed to sleep with her for that long. Your rage should also be directed at him.

Original poster

lindie11 · 26/10/2013 22:48

Thanks everyone for posts :). Yes was the pair of them - both of em deceived me as she knew about me. He's shit on me big time but i feel hes had the rage direct from me (et all) and shes got away scot free apart from being dumped. No he wasnt dragged kicking and screaming, obviously but theyve both deceived so many people. I need todirect my anger to her too. They've both cuckolded me I know. Its the woh is me facade she's protraying when she's no one to blame but herself and knew exactly what she was getting into.

OP posts:

Original poster

lindie11 · 26/10/2013 22:52

Sorty, Can I add that I'm not blaming it all on OW. Theyre both to blame and I must accept some fault but I didnt deserve this. Though does anyone? Im just so angry. Maybe I'm whizzing round like a tazmanian devil

OP posts:

feelingvunerable · 26/10/2013 22:54

Agree with everyone else.

It's your husband who is married to you. Of course she is very unpleasant too, but please don't fall for his pathetic excuses.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 26/10/2013 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 26/10/2013 23:00

Of course you don't deserve it. Your faithless DP is a lying cheater.

KittyFucker · 26/10/2013 23:03

She didn't "turn a loving kind man" into anything - what is hurting you most right now is the revelation that he wasn't those things, he was a cheat. It's really hard to accept that you were mistaken, and you probably feel like an idiot for being taken in by him, so your rage is directed at the OW in the situation; she must have made him do those things. The sad fact is that he chose to betray you, he chose to fuck someone else, not because he's kind and gullible but because he saw a chance to have his cake and eat it.

Forget her. Who he did this with is irrelevant, the point is the fact that he did it, that being in a relationship with you didn't stop him. Revenge diminishes you. Concentrate on yourself, taking care of you and any DCs.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 23:14

Of course you're angry with the woman. But if you attack her in any way, the only person that will look like... what was it... a chavie skank (sic) will be you.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 26/10/2013 23:24

HE knew he was a married man, too.

And he came onto her while he had a wife back home - greedy bastard.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 26/10/2013 23:26

And I bet he's relieved that all he's getting is a bit of rage.

maleview70 · 26/10/2013 23:30

The best way to get your revenge is actually to dump said cheater and make a better life for yourself! Worked wonders for me!

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/10/2013 23:31

I agree you are barking up.the wrong tree here. She owed you nothing, its your partner in the wrong. Though i can't understand your anger.

Original poster

lindie11 · 04/11/2013 22:44

Whilst I thank the replies, my main Q isn't touched on. Do I publically expose the low life bitch. OH's had that. What's she due. .equally to blame in all of this.

OP posts:

MadHeadlessBusLady · 04/11/2013 23:03

Your main question IS being touched on, you just don't like the answers.

Whatnext074 · 04/11/2013 23:04

I'm sorry you're going through this lindie but she has no loyalty to you and she hasn't betrayed you. If you focus all your anger on her it will eat you up.

I don't think you should expose her at all. My H left me for OW 9 weeks ago, I spent some time focussing on this OW but it was killing me and not healthy for me. I am angry at my H for the terrible betrayal he has committed to me. She owed me nothing, he did, he was the one that broke our vows, not her.

Don't get me wrong, it's natural to be angry at her too and maybe for a time moreso than your H but nothing good can come from focussing on her for too long, it will destroy a part of you.

I totally understand your anger but focus on the person who has hurt you and betrayed you. Yes she knew he was married but she owed you nothing. Your H did.

Cutteduppumpkin · 04/11/2013 23:16

I know that if I were in your situation I'd want to. But it would be better to put her out of your mind altogether.

itsmeisntit · 04/11/2013 23:18

I would :)
Hell hath no fury etc but just make sure if you do that you don't come across as a madwoman/psycho etc. Place blame firmly at both OW and H door and state facts only.

On the other hand you could maintain a dignified silence--l couldn't tho.

Then l would dump the bastard

Fairypants · 04/11/2013 23:23

I was in a similar position a few years ago and really wanted to out the ow. Slagging her off to ppl who didn't know her did (in the short term) make me feel better I'll admit. I wouldn't recommend trying to tell her mates everything though as she is likely to be able to put her own spin on it (she just found out her bf is married-he swore he wasn't and now his dw is attacking her...)
There is too much risk of further upset to you if you go there and you've had enough hurt already. Yes, she deserves it (as does your DH) but I think it is self destructive and wouldn't give the satisfaction you imagine it would.

cloudskitchen · 05/11/2013 06:40

No as all the answers have said before. You place the blame where it belongs. At the door of the person that should have been loyal and faithul. Your husband.

SweetCarolinePomPomPom · 05/11/2013 07:01

He's done a great job on you hasn't he? Managed to get himself a lighter sentence by dumping her the minute he got found out, convincing you that he was some poor innocent who was led inexplicably astray like she's the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or something and now he's set her up good and proper to be the object of all your wrath and blame while he gets to act like a slightly dim child who gets a lightly slapped wrist for wandering off.

She came onto hubby when both drunk and had boyfriend of her own - greedy bitch……. she turned a loving kind gullable man into someone I dont know any more

Hahahhahahahaha. Goodness me - you really are making this way too easy for him. I bet he's feeling pretty smug and relieved actually. The only person who has been gullible here is you, I'm very sorry to say.

Sorry to seem so tough on you - I realise you have been through a devastating time, but seriously, you need to get a grip. You are deluded.

And if she lives so far away that you cannot see her personally then how exactly do you know how she is behaving?

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