Afternoon, this, me, Mouse
Purps - What a fantastic post from you. The raw reality of alcoholism is one of sheer horror when it hits you, and boy does it hit you, and hard.
You ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER, you don't need pacifying, you don't need patronising either. Being a single parent, with a mixture of ages and sexes is bloody horrific at times. You're constantly trying to keep the peace, be the right level of mum, friend, carer and suddenly you're juggling flaming swords all day long, whilst running a what feels like a hotel, restaurant and launderette!
It's no wonder that you're where you are now. You're SO run down, exhausted, and it's all up to you, every job is yours, homework, lunches, dinner, housework, food shopping, finances, the works. But for people to tell you, when you feel at your lowest, just how wonderful a job you're doing with the children, how polite, balanced etc they are tells me that no matter what, YOU ARE AMAZING! :)
Every day, you get up, go and do what's needed, even though you want to stay in bed and cry, disappear so no-one can see you, need anything from you......... you beat that, maybe by the skin of your teeth but you beat it evey day my lovely. That in itself is fantastic. It really is!!
Your XP clearly holds a part of your heart, and when he is nice, when things are civil, you catch yourself wondering 'what if?' And then reality hits and you realise that he's your XP for a reason. You get lonely, even in a room full of friends, you feel lost and small.
But you are worth so much Purps you really are. You need to start to value your life. Your children need you, you clearly have friends (looks around the entire Bus) who love and need you.
You've finally hit the point of no return as far as I can see. You need to stop now sweetheart. You need to keep looking at all YOU'VE achieved, all that you sacrifice day in and day out for your children. For your future as a family, as a unit, for each other as you all grow and find your paths in this crazy, fucked up world......
Each time you sit and help with homework, talk to them about any worries they have, every time you hold them when they're ill, upset, even after every screaming match....... you're carving a path, laying down a faint blue print for them to follow, feathering their wings, helping. Even though you can't see it, it's there.
So, go and talk to your GP, make a list of what you drink, why, when, everything and take it with you. Even if you can't say the words out loud, you can give them your list.
Tell them how sad you are, or if you're worried about SS getting involved, pick your words more carefully, being on your own etc...... maybe look at other sources of help? AA or a community group?
One thing is for sure thoughbdarling Purps, you are worth so much more than you think, you have our unconditional love and support and we will NEVER, EVER JUDGE YOU!
So, how can we help you? Where do we start? xxx