Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel totally hopeless

53 replies

pathetic · 21/02/2004 17:40

I hope somebody can help. I left my husband soon after our first baby was born because he did things no-one should put up with. Now she's just over a year old and I don't feel any love for her, I only look after her because I'm expected to. I hate the fact that I'm the only one responsible for her and I can never get away from that. Her dad doesn't want anything to do with her and I wouldn't trust him to anyway.

It sounds horrible but I don't even want my baby but I can't give her up either, probably just because of what people would think of me and the repucussions when she's older. I can't get what my husband did out of my head and I want to hurt him to make us even but I know I can't but it just keeps going round my head that I need that revenge.

I spend all of my day trying to get the energy to do the most basic essential things, like feed the baby and I've got no energy for anything else, so I really want to get my life sorted but the weeks just roll together and I never do anything. I just feel so hopeless.

My parents try and help but all they do is tell me what to do which doesn't help. They'd like to help practically but they both work so they've got no time. And because I can't get myself going, I haven't even got the divorce started yet. I can't afford to work and even if I could, my ex would probably be able to take the baby off me because he's at home all the time so I'm stuck with her. I don't even feel like I can talk to anyone. Friends and family either don't care or wouldn't understand and if I talked to a counsellor it would make me look like a bad mother.

I just feel so useless. I'm sorry to go on and on but this is the first place I feel like I can ask for help.

OP posts:
Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 17:46

I forgot to say that often I feel like I really hate her because she's tied me down and also means that my ex can be in my life whenever he wants from now on.

OP posts:
Tinker · 21/02/2004 17:53

pathetic - you sound like you're depressed, and with good reason. I really think you should go to your gp and explain how you're feeling. You wouldn't look like a bad mother at all, far from it, simply someone who has a lot to deal with at the moment and is feeling overwhelmed. Don't worry about your ex taking the baby off you if you went to work, that is just not going to happen. But please see someone if you can't see a way out of things on your own, we all feel like that sometimes. Keep posting on here though, there are lots of people who have felt the same.

Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 17:56

But last time I went to my GP, my ex had been to see him a couple of weeks before and the GP just sympathisesed with him and asked what I could do to improve things between us. I live in a small town and there's only one other GP's there and they seem just as bad. I just don't feel like I can trust anyone.

OP posts:
Roscoe · 21/02/2004 17:57

For starters I think you should change your talk-name - you're not pathetic. I think Tinker is right. It sounds like you are suffering from depression, maybe PND. If you can get some help with that from your GP it will leave you in a stronger position to deal with the rest of your problems.

Roscoe · 21/02/2004 17:58

Sorry. Posts crossed. Do you have anyone who could go with you for moral support? A friend maybe?

Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 17:58

And I sit and think about doing things like that but somehow, and its hard to explain, I physically can't move to do it. I keep thinking, I'll get up and phone someone, I'll do something about it but I just stay glued to the sofa or wherever I am. The only thing that makes me look after my baby is the fact that I couldn't be that cruel to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 17:59

Thanks to my husband I don't have any friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 17:59

And I don't want to be on anti-depressants, I'd just lose control.

OP posts:
Roscoe · 21/02/2004 18:00

You poor thing. I'm no expert but I would guess it's the depression that makes you feel like you just don't have the energy to do anything. When I was depressed (pre-kids) I just couldn't get out of bed some days.

Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 18:01

I literally can't move. I keep thinking, I have to get up but I just don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 18:02

I know what I should be doing and it seems so easy but I don't understand why I just can't do it. The only reason I'm typing this is because I'm desperate.

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/02/2004 18:04

ask to speak to a community phychiatric nurse (CPN) doctors often cant be arsed you have to be strong and tell your doctor again - ask to speak with your health visitor and see if social services can help.

if its any help - my hubby was a complete tosser when my first was born i had bad bad bad PND and i didnt particularly like my baby. this thing took over my life took away who i was and my life essence and i had no hope and no future.

that was 14 years ago - services are better now - medication is better now - although problems arent given the recognition they ought to have they are more recognised... get help from doctor midwife cpn social services - dont let them umm and ahh about it - phone them all in one day and see who gets to you first!

i love my 14 year old so much it hurts - so happy ending very very likley

lots of mumsnetters have PND experience - rhubarb has a website - can someone post the address for me as i havent got it to hand? and i think talking it through with us and mailing some people and building up a network of friends and support will help you climb out of the shit
xxxxxxxxx

Roscoe · 21/02/2004 18:04

At the moment it must all seem so overwhelming.

Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 18:06

Thank you. I just can't get the thought out of my head that if I get psychiatric help it will make me look unstable, especially if it doesn't work. Also, dd has always been a small baby and has gone slightly down in her expected weight recently, so what if they think I'm mistreating her? In some ways, I'd love to get rid of her, but it's not what I really want.

OP posts:
Tinker · 21/02/2004 18:07

Is there another gp you could see? It's not the gp's job to ask what you can do to help, that's why you're going to see then surely? Could you print off this thread and take it if you don't feel you could convey how you feel? I really hope someone has some better advice than I can give

Roscoe · 21/02/2004 18:09

Is your Health visitor easy to talk to? Weight charts etc are so variable that no one will think you're neglecting your dd just because she's not gaining lots of weight.

Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 18:09

I will try and make myself ring on Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 18:11

My health visitor just looks down her nose at me, because I'm a young single mum and every time I see her she shoves leaflets at me for local mum's groups as if it would solve everything if I went to them. But I can't get the energy to and I don't want to, all the mums there are much older and cope brilliantly. I want to forget about babies as much as I can, not be around them more.

OP posts:
Roscoe · 21/02/2004 18:15

I think it might help to take things just one step at a time, otherwise it will all feel like too much to handle. Step One: On Monday morning ring the GP for an appointment. Do as Tinker suggests and print off your posting here. That way you won't have to stress about what to say etc.

Tinker · 21/02/2004 18:16

But the other mums won't be coping brilliantly, they probably just go to get some company, I'm sure many feel exactly as you do. I think that when you're depressed your perception changes and sometimes you can read things into situations that just are't there. Do ring someone on Monday please.

Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 18:18

Thank you everyone, I will definitely try and ring on Monday. I just don't want them to take dd away, especially if they give her to him.

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/02/2004 18:27

they wont take your baby away unless shes is clearly being mistreated. this was a major worry of mine when it happened to me and my doctor actually said " pull yourself together don't be so ridiculous" when i blubbingly said " you wont take my baby away will you sob sob sob sniff sniff"!!

the support structures are there. it isnt likley social services will take your children away, seeing a CPN doesnt mean your a nut bucket and should be encased in a padded room,

really if you put things into perspective - these people have to deal with the truly mentally disturbed and the truly physically ill or dying and children who are truly being mistreated - these people see the shit de la shit - thats why your finding it hard to get on their radar.

you know you need help - you posted on here! you have already started on the road to feeling better!

Original poster
pathetic · 21/02/2004 18:33

Thanks custardo. I found rhubarb's site and it looks like there's some good information and links on there that I can read.

I will definitely try and ring on Monday and get some help. I've got to go and feed the baby now but thank you so much for all your help. I'm feeling the tiniest bit more positive now, and any little bit helps I suppose. Thank you.

OP posts:
Clarinet60 · 21/02/2004 18:37

Pathetic, I saw a cpn and she didn't label me as unstable. She was a great help and in the end I was so much better that I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. Antidepressants won't make you lose control - they just make you feel normal, and you're feeling anything but that at the mo.

When you feel stronger, I think getting some distance between you and your ex will help. There doesn't sound like much support where you are at present. Also, when you feel better, a job might take you out of the daily grind at home, which feels too claustrophobic for you. As someone else has said, your ex wouldn't be doing the childcare, especially if you moved.

Hope you feel better when you've made the appointment.

nutcracker · 21/02/2004 18:57

Pathetic (please change it, as you aren't) - I have seen a psychatirst, cpn and social worker because of my depression and housing probs. None of them have ever made me feel like i'm a bad mother, or have made me think that my kids will be taken off me. My social worker called me. the other day to say he was closing my file, but should i need any more help, to get back in touch. He really genuinly wanted to help.
I know it is hard to seek help, but you've admitted that you are having problems, which IMO is half the battle. Now you need to speak to a proffesional, who can help you. HTH

Swipe left for the next trending thread