I hope somebody can help. I left my husband soon after our first baby was born because he did things no-one should put up with. Now she's just over a year old and I don't feel any love for her, I only look after her because I'm expected to. I hate the fact that I'm the only one responsible for her and I can never get away from that. Her dad doesn't want anything to do with her and I wouldn't trust him to anyway.
It sounds horrible but I don't even want my baby but I can't give her up either, probably just because of what people would think of me and the repucussions when she's older. I can't get what my husband did out of my head and I want to hurt him to make us even but I know I can't but it just keeps going round my head that I need that revenge.
I spend all of my day trying to get the energy to do the most basic essential things, like feed the baby and I've got no energy for anything else, so I really want to get my life sorted but the weeks just roll together and I never do anything. I just feel so hopeless.
My parents try and help but all they do is tell me what to do which doesn't help. They'd like to help practically but they both work so they've got no time. And because I can't get myself going, I haven't even got the divorce started yet. I can't afford to work and even if I could, my ex would probably be able to take the baby off me because he's at home all the time so I'm stuck with her. I don't even feel like I can talk to anyone. Friends and family either don't care or wouldn't understand and if I talked to a counsellor it would make me look like a bad mother.
I just feel so useless. I'm sorry to go on and on but this is the first place I feel like I can ask for help.