Feel totally hopeless

[pathetic]

I hope somebody can help. I left my husband soon after our first baby was born because he did things no-one should put up with. Now she's just over a year old and I don't feel any love for her, I only look after her because I'm expected to. I hate the fact that I'm the only one responsible for her and I can never get away from that. Her dad doesn't want anything to do with her and I wouldn't trust him to anyway.

It sounds horrible but I don't even want my baby but I can't give her up either, probably just because of what people would think of me and the repucussions when she's older. I can't get what my husband did out of my head and I want to hurt him to make us even but I know I can't but it just keeps going round my head that I need that revenge.

I spend all of my day trying to get the energy to do the most basic essential things, like feed the baby and I've got no energy for anything else, so I really want to get my life sorted but the weeks just roll together and I never do anything. I just feel so hopeless.

My parents try and help but all they do is tell me what to do which doesn't help. They'd like to help practically but they both work so they've got no time. And because I can't get myself going, I haven't even got the divorce started yet. I can't afford to work and even if I could, my ex would probably be able to take the baby off me because he's at home all the time so I'm stuck with her. I don't even feel like I can talk to anyone. Friends and family either don't care or wouldn't understand and if I talked to a counsellor it would make me look like a bad mother.

I just feel so useless. I'm sorry to go on and on but this is the first place I feel like I can ask for help.

ok, have changed it. My brain keeps telling me what to do and it's all sensible, just got to get the body going too I suppose! WILL go to the GP or CPN on Monday, thanks for reassuring me, I don't want to be thought of as crazy or shoved anti-depressants, I just want to feel a bit more normal and get myself going.

I feel so sad for you, you seem very alone and very low. I can't believe your health visitor team haven't picked up on the fact that you need help, I thought they were supposed to be much more on the case with PND these days.

There's a few things you haven't mentioned - you said you're a 'young single mum' and I wondered how young (roughly) and if you'd had a chance to work or study or create a life / circle of friends for yourself before you became pregnant. If so, are there any aspects of that life you can pick up again in between being a mom? You can also get quite a lot of financial help with child care as a single mom working part time. I have a friend who works 3 days a week and gets the entire nursery fee covered, she's a single mom too.

How do you spend your days? Are you home alone with your daughter all the time? Do you see anyone or get out at all? How is this affecting her, as a 1 year old starts to get more active and sociable. - I mean what do you do with her all day? I find I actually go slightly crazy if I stay home too much with my dd, 16 months, even though I don't really have anywhere to go I just have to get out.

I'm really sure that things will improve for you, but it might take some time. Take it all one step at a time. Start by speaking to someone on Monday and let things change gradually.

In this day and age, people on ADs are not thought of as 'crazy'. Depression is a recognised illness, with many options there to support you. IMHO, ADs would help you to see the positive side of the world. They would help you to have the energy to get up each morning. Believe me, I have been where you are now, but not with a baby. Talking to a counsellor will not make you look like a bad mother. You obviously don't want to be cruel to your child, but having been on the other end of a depressed mother, I urge you to get help now. There really is no stigma attached.

Hello Depressed.....are you around? Just wondered how you were feeling? I know that when I had my ds I nearly went bonkers being in the house on my own and had to go back to work although it was a bit easier in that I could take him with me. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step and there is a lot of help if you can just ask for it. Keep posting on here as well as there is so much support here and people who genuinely care. Take care

Hi depressed. Well done indeed for posting here and best of luck for moving slowly and surely onwards and upwards from this stuck, horrible place. I'm so sorry you're having such a shitty time. But you will move on- it can be done and you can do it. I'm glad that you're feeling a tiny bit better already and I know you can continue the process from here. Custardo is dead right- someone like you who wants and asks for help should be welcomed with open arms by the helping professions and there will be no question of their taking your daughter away because you are depressed. I agree with the others that a CPN would be a great place to start. They are generally excellent, IME, and should be able to signpost you onto further services, if necessary. In fact, I expect you will get a CPN with a smiley face a bit like this:. And then gradually, slowly, your own face will move from this:, to this:, to this:. And your mumsnet name will change from depressed to bitbetter to coping to oknow to goodgriefthingsfeelfine to fantastico. I hope so anyway. Good luck and please keep posting if it helps. You might find virtual mums easier than real life ones at first; I think your HV is partially right in thinking that finding a community of mums CAN help a bit, though you obviously need more than just that to feel properly better.
P.S. I'd also consider telling your (twatish sounding) GP that you will make an official complaint about him if he doesn't treat you with respect and abide by the usual confidentiality guidelines.

I've just scrolled down and read something you said again. I know you're not ready at the moment, but the mum's groups don't make you feel surrounded by babies. They help you to 'forget' about babies, because suddenly, you aren't the sole entertainment for your baby. They were a real relief for me, because my baby suddenly didn't notice whether I was there or not - he had bigger fish to fry. It gave me a break just to drink a coffee and daydream if I wanted, or listen to other people's conversations if I wanted, and, as I felt better, join in.

It gave my baby a much needed break too. You're bound to get sick of each othe day in, day out.

Thankyou to everyone for all the advice. Will keep popping back now and then to offload, but am feeling very fluey today (keep getting colds and stuff, poor immune system because I'm depressed probably) so am finding it even harder to get up and do things. Will definitely try and post as much as possible though, you've really made a difference to me. It's helped being totally anonymous, not having to go out anywhere or even talk, just being able to type.

Droile - thankyou for the reassurance. I think what put me off was the last time I went, dd was only 2 months old so needed me to look after her permanently. I see that if I take her now, she probably crawl off to play with somebody else and give me a break.

Hi depressed, some good advice here but I just wanted to add that I know how crap GPs in small towns can be and I also know what it's like to be depressed and neither are pleasant. But you're not useless, not at all, well done for posting here. I second Droile's post about mum's groups too - you won't be the only one who feels like this and you might make some good friends at one. Take one thing at a time - you don't need to sort your divorce NOW, you need to get better first. Keep talking to us.

Thanks, hopefully if I can get a CPN (they sound ok) then I won't need to mess about with GP's.

Evita - I feel guilty because I don't really do that much with her so obviously I need to change that. And I do spend nearly all my time with her, which I know is not a good idea. I'm 20 and, because of loads of things with husband, I never studied as well as I'd have liked or made any good friends, and it sounds so obvious, but you asking that has only just made me think that might be making things a lot worse. I think the HV hasn't picked up because she hardly spends any time with me and I always used to psyche myself up for her visits to seem like a good mum and on the PND sheets, I'd just underline the 'good' ones because I didn't want to admit there was a problem.

Just wanted to send some (((hugs))) and say please get some help. I was depressed (before having kids) and it consumed 6 years of my life. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but these early years with little ones fly by, and you'll never get these days back.

It will get better, keep talking and make sure that useless GP of yours does something. Don't let him fob you off. Keep posting. xxx

Am hoping that the flu isnt too severe today and that you are feeling a bit better. Dont know where you live but netmums.com is excellent for things to do if you are up to it and you can get as involved as you like. When I felt fed up I used to go to Storytime at the library and let my ds be entertained by the librarian while I read one of their newspapers or magazines. Then, slowly you get to know people (if you want to) and can make conversation as and when you feel like it. This site is great though as it allows you to be anonymous and to pour your heart out and say how you feel. Keep posting. HTH

depressed, it must be very hard for you being so young and having the responsibility of a child all on our own. I'm older than you by a fair bit and I've found it hard to adjust many times but I did get a chance to sort of 'define' who I was beforehand. Well, I don't know if it's a good thing or not as I often find myself missing the 'old me'! But I DO know that doing some things that are good for YOU is ultimately going to be good for you and your daughter. If you have something to look forward to in the day, you'll be more cheery with her. So why don't you look out for some things you could do which have a creche for her? There are often college courses designed for young women in your situation. Though I don't know how that works in a small town.

Having a baby is the hardest and best job you'll ever do. It's the hardest because unlike any other job you're at the beck and call of an often irrational creature with no set lunch break, no chance to go to the loo alone, etc. And if you're feeling ill or low, the responsibility of it doesn't go away, you can't just lie in bed watching movies or reading a novel.

I mentioned finding some things to do that you would enjoy because unlike some of the other moms here I've found baby groups a bit daunting. There are some moms who it seemed to me were v. 'stepford wives' (if you've seen the movie you'll know what I mean, if now it's like they're 'perfect' moms with no problems etc.) and I always seemed to try to talk to the wrong person and felt they looked at me as if I was mad! However, I did persist as I needed to get out (I'm in a small flat on the 21st floor of a tower block and it's claustrophobic to be in all day) and wanted dd to see other kids and even if I didn't get on with the moms at least it did give me a break from being entertainer. And in the end I met a few moms who I could relate to and we've been close friends and v. supportive since. We can also exchange baby care now and then and have a break.

Lots of people here are wonderful and this is a community in itself. So keep posting. We're listening. xxx

Hi depressed! Just dropped in to make sure you're okay. Good luck with phoning the CPN or GP.

just sending hugs depressed - let us know how you get on XXX

Depressed, I don't know what is going to help you most in the long run, but it does sound as if you would benefit from counselling to help you adress the awful time your ex put you through, and also as if you may well have PND, or other depression.

Let me, please, re-assure you about anti-depressants. I have been on them for the past month, for low-level depression which had set in as a reaction to the huge hormonal change that happens in pregnancy and childbirth. It took me 18 months to face up to what was happening, and, like you, I was adamant that I did not want to use anti-deressants. In fact, all they do is help your brain make the chemical re-adjustments to how you were before, just as iron tablets help you build stores of iron again. I feel MORE focussed, in control and better able to make decisions and DO things than I did before I took them. I do not feel like a zombie, or drift around Tesco with stringy hair looking mad and out of it! My natural sense of humour has returned, and I feel much more 'in tune' with my darling son, without feeling I have to make an effort to 'be a good mum'. Once my brain has built up it's own levels of whatever (serotonin??) I will stop taking the ADs. probably after 6 months.

Anyway, please take care and look after yourself. you have had a very hard time, but you are doing all the right things. Hugs.XXXX

Hi, thanks for all the messages everyone.

I haven't rung the GP yet. I know this sounds like an excuse but it's honestly only because my throat is killing, my voice is almost gone and it's really not a good day to do it. But thanks to all the advice I'm feeling more positive in myself and although it's hard, I know for a fact that when this flu clears up a bit I will definitely ring the GP.

So sorry, haven't done anything yet, but I promise I will as soon as I can.

Forced myself to try and change things yesterday. I kept up with washing baby clothes and equipment (not much but doing ANYTHING is a huge achievement for me atm) without leaving it until the last minute. I also made sure I at really well and sensibly and I dug out all the leaflets that I'd ignored about all the baby groups. As soon as I feel a bit better, I'm determined to go to the next baby clinic, so I can see the HV, and the next mother and baby group. By the way, does anyone know what a "Baby Bounce" session is, because there's one at my local library.

Am still feeling really hopeless and worn out but now I'm determined to start doing everything I'm told to and hopefully I'll feel better.

Thanks

Should be ate, not at!

Thanks Blu, suppose I'm just scared by the 'side-effects' they might have, as I've read it can be a long time of trial and error before you find the right ones but I have to admit I haven't actually heard from anyone who's been on them and had a really bad experience. If the GP says I should go on them, I'll be a lot more comfortable with it now.

By the way Blu, have got the image of somebody with stringy hair drifting round with a trolley now, making me smile - thanks.

Hi depressed

Just wanted to totally back up what blu says about anti-depressants - I took Prozac for about 6 months after my marriage broke up and like you I had great difficulty just coping with looking after the kids and day-to-day life. They really helped, in exactly the way blu describes so well. I didn't have to try different types either, luckily prozac worked very well for me. So please don't have any qualms about trying them if that's what your doc recommends.

You have certainly started on the road to feeling better already by posting here and doing some positive things for yourself, which is great, so do make that call when you're feeling better and keep posting XXX

Thanks spacemonkey. Will definitely keep posting here - have had more help here than anywhere else!

Wow, depressed! You're already sounding different. Well done on taking those first tiny steps. Keep posting. xxx

If it's any help, Depressed, I experienced no side effects when I took lofepramine, but did with prozac. As you say, people vary. I was lucky and found lofepramine quickly. I wouldn't have known I was taking them, there was not even the shadow of a side effect (and I'm someone who gets a hangover after one glass of wine!) so it's not all bad news.

Depressed: I am taking Cipralex, I did feel a bit sick for a while for the first few days, but even on day one I could tell that I felt a bit better, so that helped me see it through.
Sorry about your bad throat, that's all you need!
take care of yourself, XXXXX