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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

advice please - he's coming back tonight...

59 replies

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 14:26

I've been with dp for seven years. When we met I didn'treally want to go out with him but we worked together and we're both single, lived in the same town etc and he made lots of flattering promises like 'oh I'd marry you tomorrow if I could' as well as making himself very helpful like doing some diy or finding a garage to get my car fixed (I am very apprehensive about dealing with workmen, I'm always worried they'll see me coming and rip me off).

We've always had a difficult relationship, I wanted marriage and kids and a family home, he always claims he wants that too but it was four years before he agreed to move in together, five years before we got engaged and we had dc two years ago. Living together, getting engaged and having dc all only happened because I said I wanted to end the relationship unless we did those things - yes, with hindsight it was stupid to insist these things but I wanted to either end the relationship or move to the next stage.

In truth I feel unhappy. He's s very pessimistic, grumpy and unloving man. He's always been like this but he's always insisted he loves me if I speak of my unhappiness, he makes me feel ungrateful, he starts crying if I try to end the relationship etc. He does a lot of housework and treats me like I wouldn't be able to manage without him (though I was fine before I met him). He has a go at me if I haven't straightened the bed spread to his high standard, even though I have done my best - why would I intentionally anger him?

If I hang the washing whilst he's out, he re hangs it when he gets back as I haven't done it properly :-(

He insists the tea towel always be hung on the cooker hood when not in use. At the weekend he opened a cupboard and some plastic pots fell over, so he started tutting and swearing, I knew he was blaming me for putting them away wrong (I probably did :-( ) later he said when we move house I can't choose any of the design ideas, paint etc as I have poor taste and he's better at design.

We had a big row (again) at the weekend, I tried explaining that everyone is entitled to their opinion and way of doing things. So the following morning he picked up the tea towel as I'd left it wrong, threw it on the floor and started angrily wiping it with his foot, saying he wasn't going to bother anymore, everyone is a #unt etc. Then he spent twenty minutes doing some work on his laptop, muttering fucking c##ts all the time, it wasn't directed at me but it's s very unpleasant environment to live in. He has got steadily worse over the years.

I asked him to leave, he wouldnt, as I've said I want to break up and am unhappy so many times before he doesn't take me seriously. So I changed the locks when he was out. When he got back I let him in, but only to get some overnight stuff. He did a big teary goodbye to dc (aged 2) and went.

Does this relationship sound healthy? over the years I've told him I want out do many times, I'm unhappy, I find his behaviour uncomfortable (I'm actually a bit frightened) so why does he stay with me? I'm worried he will give me the guilt trip when he returns tonight and I'll end up taking him in :-( he's claimed to have serious illness before etc to get me to take him back.

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

VodkaJelly · 21/10/2013 14:29

What is he coming back for tonight? To see you or to have somewhere to live?

lalalonglegs · 21/10/2013 14:34

No, it does not sound remotely healthy. You are frightened and he is extremely controlling. Well done for getting rid of him. Do not allow him to make you feel guilty - do not engage with him. I presume he is coming to see your son - make formal arrangements for access and avoid as much personal contact as possible.

You've done brilliantly well to get him out and that could have been a real hurdle. Don't let any other side issues stall you.

Madeleine10 · 21/10/2013 14:36

"Does this relationship sound healthy? " you ask. Absolutely not! A big fat NO! It sounds absolutely bloody ghastly, and I'm sorry you need to ask the question.

You have done entirely the right thing by getting rid of him, an appalling environment for you to live in, and a terrible example of relationships for your children to grow up in.

Please don't doubt yourself - it makes me sad that you do, and shows how skewed people's thinking can become after years of being controlled and made miserable by bullying behaviour.

Stay strong about this, you are 100% in the right, no one should have to live like this. He either changes (extremely unlikel;y) or he leaves. For Good.

Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 14:38

He's coming back to get some stuff, he'll probably stay over in the spare room though as in the short term I need him to take dc to nursery in the morning else I can't go to my part time job.

OP posts:

VodkaJelly · 21/10/2013 14:40

For the sake of your sanity, do not let him move into the spare room. Men like him will only ramp up the abuse and he will be a nightmare to live with wont leave easily. Can you not take your DC to where he is staying in the morning rather than let him back in the house?

Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 14:40

I need to speak to my manager to get my work hours changed so I can do drop off and pick up from nursery, her dad is unlikely to do it if not living with us.

OP posts:

VodkaJelly · 21/10/2013 14:40

Good idea sadelephants, the less you have to rely on him the less control he has over you.

Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 14:42

The issue is that I start work at 7, so will need to change my hours to be able to no longer rely on her dad for drop offs. But he makes it so hard for me to make him leave.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 14:42

Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, sorry. Constant criticism, bad tempered behaviour, disrespect, emotional blackmail, even that initial phase where he swept you off your feet in spite of yourself .... all indicative of a psychological bully rather than something normal and healthy

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 14:43

Of course he makes it hard for you to say no. That's been his 'MO' from the outset. Making you feel responsible for him.

Youhaventseenme · 21/10/2013 14:45

He sounds quite mental.

Madeleine10 · 21/10/2013 14:50

Get in touch with your work pronto, as a first step, and get practicalities sorted if possible.

Don't let him back in tonight! He will do what he does every time you try to get him out, so keep him away, as you know that you start folding when he starts his shizzle and crying etc.

Spend this week arranging your issues with childcare drop off, and ignore his pleas - you have done the hardest bit, getting him out, and well done to you on that - DON'T, I beg you, put yourself back ten paces by giving him an "in" again..

Piffalato · 21/10/2013 14:50

It does not sound healthy.

I think he stays with you because he has lots of negative emotions within himself, and it is better for him to be able to project these onto you.

runningonwillpower · 21/10/2013 14:51

Is he on a 'spectrum'?

All that washing-hanging, tea towel stuff? Sounds like a bloke who is marching to a different drum.

Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 14:53

I always doubt myself - I wonder why he wants to keep a relationship when I've told him so many times that I'm unhappy and it's a bad relationship. He agrees it's not a good relationship but won't break up.

OP posts:

Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 14:55

Anyone else who's met him says he's a very negative person, he never smiles, he hates the world and blames everyone else for his problems.

OP posts:

Madeleine10 · 21/10/2013 14:59

He wants to keep it because he knows damn well that few other women would put up with this teatowel nonsense and the rest of his appalling behaviour. He has made you lose perspective over the years, and knows exactly how to push your buttons, when you stand up for yourself.

We are here to help you get back some of that perspective and support you in getting rid of this toxic man. Life can be different, a good relationship - or even no relationship for a while, just peace and nornmality - can be yours, and you need never live in a vile atmosphere again. But you are going to have to do a bit of work on your backbone - we'll help.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 15:16

You should really read this article... Are You Dating An Abuser

Madeleine10 is right. He won't break up because this is the only way he can have a relationship. A normal person attracts and retains a life-partner using kindness and thoughtfulness. He's so inadequate he has to wear a woman down and make her too confused and guilty to leave...

Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 17:43

Thanks so much for all your comments! Cogito, it's amazing he ticks so many boxes on your link. He plays the victim in every aspect of life, feels the world owes him for any bad that has ever become him etc.

I will do my best to avoid any great debate when he turns up this evening. Thanks again!

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Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 21:12

Quick update: he turned up this evening and spent 30 mins talking. He wanted to get involved in a discussionabout our rrelationship, but I kept saying (calmly) well it doesn't matter now, let's move on. He played the victim and said he doesn't get the chance to vent etc and I do (apparently). He said he's quit his job, said he slept in his work car park today and then said he's got to go and phone for hotels now. He said it all in a way that would make me feel guilty, but amazingly I didn't buckle and offer to let him stay.

I do feel terribly guilty, all the 'im a broken man' speech, resigning his job etc does make me feel very guilty, as I've been really cruel and done this to him. :-(

OP posts:

Piffalato · 21/10/2013 21:21

He's quit his job?!!!!!!!!

And he's trying to lay that at your door?

I am SO ANGRY on your behalf!

cloudskitchen · 21/10/2013 21:27

Why has he resigned his job? I bet he hasn't really and if he has what a fool. Has he done it to make himself pennyless so you have to give him a roof. More manipulation. Stand firm. you deserve more than this out of life.

Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 21:43

Thanks Piffalato and Cloud. I know I must be very conditioned by him as I feel really guilty like I need to rescue him or something. I expect it'll get worse as day's progress and he has to resort to even worse sob stories.

I'm quite frightened as normally I buckle very easily to his manipulation, I just hope he doesn't try to contest custody of dd or something that he knows would really hurt me. We agreed he would have her every Saturday for the day.

OP posts:

Piffalato · 21/10/2013 22:03

Well in that case he will almost certainly threaten it. Abusive men will always go for your weak spots, and if that's your DD I am sure he will use this.

That doesn't mean he will go through with it, or would succeed if he did.

I am only saying this to you so you will feel prepared. Practice responding to him calmly if he threatens this. Book a free half hour with a solicitor ASAP.

Please stay strong, you have a choice here. What you'll you want your DD to do if she finds herself with a man like this in the future? That is how you need to behave now.

Original poster

sadelephants · 21/10/2013 22:16

Thanks Piffalato, good advice :-) in the past he's threatened to challenge custody if we split up. As he works long hours full time though (unless he's genuinely resigned) I think as the mother and also as I only work three days I'd get custody. He wouldn't be able to look after her during the week due to work and a full weekend would leave him with no time off at all, so one day each weekend seems logical. If anyone knows then much appreciated!

Good idea to see a solicitor asap :-)

OP posts:

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