advice please - he's coming back tonight...

[sadelephants]

I've been with dp for seven years. When we met I didn'treally want to go out with him but we worked together and we're both single, lived in the same town etc and he made lots of flattering promises like 'oh I'd marry you tomorrow if I could' as well as making himself very helpful like doing some diy or finding a garage to get my car fixed (I am very apprehensive about dealing with workmen, I'm always worried they'll see me coming and rip me off).

We've always had a difficult relationship, I wanted marriage and kids and a family home, he always claims he wants that too but it was four years before he agreed to move in together, five years before we got engaged and we had dc two years ago. Living together, getting engaged and having dc all only happened because I said I wanted to end the relationship unless we did those things - yes, with hindsight it was stupid to insist these things but I wanted to either end the relationship or move to the next stage.

In truth I feel unhappy. He's s very pessimistic, grumpy and unloving man. He's always been like this but he's always insisted he loves me if I speak of my unhappiness, he makes me feel ungrateful, he starts crying if I try to end the relationship etc. He does a lot of housework and treats me like I wouldn't be able to manage without him (though I was fine before I met him). He has a go at me if I haven't straightened the bed spread to his high standard, even though I have done my best - why would I intentionally anger him?

If I hang the washing whilst he's out, he re hangs it when he gets back as I haven't done it properly :-(

He insists the tea towel always be hung on the cooker hood when not in use. At the weekend he opened a cupboard and some plastic pots fell over, so he started tutting and swearing, I knew he was blaming me for putting them away wrong (I probably did :-( ) later he said when we move house I can't choose any of the design ideas, paint etc as I have poor taste and he's better at design.

We had a big row (again) at the weekend, I tried explaining that everyone is entitled to their opinion and way of doing things. So the following morning he picked up the tea towel as I'd left it wrong, threw it on the floor and started angrily wiping it with his foot, saying he wasn't going to bother anymore, everyone is a #unt etc. Then he spent twenty minutes doing some work on his laptop, muttering fucking c##ts all the time, it wasn't directed at me but it's s very unpleasant environment to live in. He has got steadily worse over the years.

I asked him to leave, he wouldnt, as I've said I want to break up and am unhappy so many times before he doesn't take me seriously. So I changed the locks when he was out. When he got back I let him in, but only to get some overnight stuff. He did a big teary goodbye to dc (aged 2) and went.

Does this relationship sound healthy? over the years I've told him I want out do many times, I'm unhappy, I find his behaviour uncomfortable (I'm actually a bit frightened) so why does he stay with me? I'm worried he will give me the guilt trip when he returns tonight and I'll end up taking him in :-( he's claimed to have serious illness before etc to get me to take him back.

Thanks for reading x

Definitely get some legal advice ASAP. Is the house yours, or is it a shared tenancy/mortgage? Unless it's actually yours, you will need to get a legal structure in place to keep him out of it because (unless there is proof of violence) if his name is on the mortgage/tenancy agreement he could simply move back in, even break in if the house is legally his home but you have changed the locks. Also, get access/contact formalized legally, and minimize your contact with him. DON'T arrange for contact to be in the family home - you've got him out, you don't want him back in there. It is his responsibility to find somewhere to take DC, whether that's his own new home or to a softplay centre or the park or something.

Wow! Back against the wall he really gave you the full range of Guilt-Trip Bingo didn't he? You're just missing the obligatory suicide threat and the dire warning about custody of the DCs and you could shout 'House'

Which is my cackhanded way of saying that this is all very typical behaviour from an emotional bully that realises the jig is up. You're amazing OP.... stay strong, get back-up and well done so far.

I believe courts go with the status quo unless there is good reason not to. If you have had the major childcare responsibility until now then they won't look to change that. Even if he has chucked in his job (which according to my solicitor they don't look kindly on).

However I am not an expert!

If I were you I would google the best local solicitors and book in free appointments tomorrow.

Very good advice has already been posted. You knew the answer in your OP really didn't you? Just keep strong. No-one should live in fear of not doing things the right way for their partner. He WILL try to control you and the situation. Be ready for it, and don't let him.

Solid - thankfully we're not married and the house is mine. He has a flat but it's let out so he'll have to sort out some accommodation.

Cogito - haha that's funny, I'm sure I'll get the other emotional blackmail points in the next few days and be able to shout bingo! Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot!

Piffalato - that's good news, thanks! Will definitely book in with a solicitor for Friday (I work next three days...)

I forgot one... the Unkempt Appearance Ruse. He will turn up disheveled, bleary eyed and unshaven, proof positive that being apart from you is causing him to unravel. He seems the creative type.

Oh Cogito he did that tonight! He said he'd sit on the footstool by the door, as he smelled due to not being able to shower as he'd spent the night in his car. I've had a text saying he's staying at a terrible hotel in a really rough area and needs ear plugs. The thing is, I know his friend has offered him his sofa, so I'm s bit suspicious of this sleeping in the car/dire hotel thing if he has a offer of a sofa

It's so tempting to text him back saying would he like a trowel so he can lay the bullshit on a bit more thickly..... ... but sarcasm is lost on idiots.

Something that was suggested on someone else's thread, if he's a texter and you fear you might weaken, is a cheap PAYG mobile that only he has the number for. That way you can stay in touch re the DCs but you don't have his texts intruding on you all the time. Then you can keep it in a drawer and just do a quick delete once a day and not get drawn into it all.

If you were to text him then tell him that he should get a new script writer!

They ALL threaten to fight for custody but funnily enough are too busy to have the child overnight if you offer it. They turn up to you looking like they havent washed and eaten for weeks but their FB status show them out on the town suited and booted. They threaten suicide, right up until an ambulance or the police turn up at their door (if he does, which he will, just call the police and tell them how worried you are that he will kill himself. He wont do it again!) . He will start drinking too much, but claim he cant give you any money. Claim he has left his job so cant give you any money (seeing a theme here?).

Oh OP, this is such an inspiring thread to read! From done-down to on-the-up in under 24 hours, well done!

Don't cave into the guilt or self-doubt. You are on the road to inner peace, a cosy home and no more self-doubt. Your self-esteem and confidence are on the way to growing stronger and that back bone has definitely started to take shape.

Best of all, your DD will thank you for this some day. It will be to her long-lasting benefit to not be exposed day in, day out to such an unhealthy relationship as her 'normal'.

Tell him he's missing a trick.

The 'go to a charity shop to buy clothes 2 sizes too big so it looks like i'm starving to death' trick.

It's real. Many do it!

Hopefully this will show you how contrived their behaviour is, it's all BS.

Stay strong op, you know you are doing the right thing.

My dp is very particular and does mad things like you were describing with the tea towel arrangement. However, he would never criticise the way I do things, and often says he wishes he could be more laid back. He also does tonnes more housework than me, but would never suggest I couldnt do it without him! He would never hear the end of that one! The initial behaviours are not the problem, it is the underlying attitude towards you and the lack of respect. He doesnt make you happy, that is the bottom line, so stick to your guns because you will be happy again.

Thanks everyone :-)

He is getting under my skin but I'm trying not to let him. He keeps emailing saying he's s broken man, he can't keep sleeping in the car and can't afford a hotel. When I ask why he doesn't sleep on his friend's sofa he says he doesn't want to impose when he turned up to collect dd this morning to take her to nursery he had showered and shaved, so I queried how he did this if he slept in the car and he said he'd popped back into the terrible hotel to shower in the morning (but the bed was so bad he slept in the car?!)

If he was a decent person surely he'd be proving his love, trying to remind me of the good times (of which there were very few) and not guilt tripping me, surely? It's so hard to stay strong :-(

Your OP has made me all goose pimply!!
Sleeping with the enemy - or what???
Stay strong. This man makes you miserable and he will not change.
It's who he is and YOU cannot fix him.
Don't engage with him on email or text.
Only if it's to do with DD - everything else you ignore ignore ignore.
I'd expect you to get the suicide threat next.
If he does this - call the police immediately and send them round.
You CAN do this! Do you want another 10, 15 or 20 years of this!??
Of course not. This is your chance for peace and happiness.
Keep posting here for strength and support.
You also need some real life support. Make sure you have someone briefed so if you call them in a weak moment they are straight round to talk some sense into you and to make sure you do not let him in if he comes round.
It's gonna be hard - it will take time - but you will get there. Promise!

He's not a decent person. Never ever think he is.

He's a manipulative and dangerous little man, he will poison and wither anything he comes into contact with.

Your job is to protect yourself and your DC from him, and to counteract any damage he WILL do. Make no mistake about that.

He's lying through his teeth to get himself back as your master. Keep him OUT.

Definitely not a decent person. Manipulation all the way. Glad you're thinking it through logically and seeing the gaping holes in his sob-story. He thinks you're a fool if he thinks you're buying any of this crap. Get angry about that and you'll be stronger.

What a horrible man. You and your DD are best off away from him. He will manipulate her as she grows up, just as he has done to you.

You've had great advice of posters here. Just to add that it might be worth speaking to your GP and HV to just let them know what has happened and why. It's a bit of extra evidence and support for you just in case he does try to go for custody of your DD.

Finally, don't feel you have to enquire where he slept or how he managed to shave. It's not your concern any more and he needs to know that. Your questions will be misinterpreted by him as you caring and he will then continue to go for that weakness.

Thanks for the kind messages. It's so hard to see through the manipulation when you've lived with it for so long, I'm very grateful and have re read all your messages :-)

He's calmed down a bit on the sob stories, perhaps because I told him on the phone last night that it was getting ridiculous! I spoke to him briefly this evening to agree his access with dd at the weekend. He told me he's buying a house we looked at recently and liked. He's had his offer accepted and mortgage agreed. He knows I'll feel upset and drawn by this as I live in a tiny house with no garden and he knows I really wanted a bigger house with a small garden for dd :-(

I'm finding it hard tonight, as I feel lonely and low. I suppose I need to find some books and tv programmes I like, as I won't be able to go out much in the evening due to dd, but I am meeting some mums tomorrow whom I'm friends with :-)

Is he paying maintenance for DD?

So he has given up his job, has to sleep in his car, but he can get a mortgage and buy a house?

right

Yes he's agreed to pay approx 15% of his salary. I should be able to manage financially, though I won't be rich but at least I have dd :-)

Let him get on with buying the house. Your home can be a safe and secure place for you and dd.
Really, all he's done is prove that he's a liar isn't it? All that drama about giving up his job was just to try and manipulate you.
When he tries to get you to fall for more of his stories, remind him he's already lied, so you can't believe a word he says any more.

THe classic guilt trip but here's the stickler. You are not responsible for him but he is going to make you feel that way. You ARE doing well even if you are wobbling I had my very own weaky guilt tripper. Was a surprise to find that this is as much abuse and manipulation as overt aggression.
He will try to contest custody but he has a sofa and a car. And I bet he hasn't resigned his job.

The best thing you can do is put yourself and DC first and detach. If you can do you can watch from the sidelines as he self-destructs and self sabotages. if we wants to see his daughter it is up to him to make arrangements and keep them too. GOod luck.

Update - he's stopped the sob stories now since I asked him not to keep bring ridiculous. He's not asking to come back anymore as he's moved in with his mum 100 miles away!

I'm feeling really sad and stressed. At no point since we split up has he said anything about missing me, loving me etc. He hasn't promised to change or anything like that. I know it sounds weak, but I'm sad I wasted years of my life with someone who only feels sorry for himself and has no attachment to me other than manipulation.