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Original poster

What should I do?

67 replies

Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 12:31

Recently had a baby with my partner, we were so happy together and get along very well usually.
Have been living together/known each other for a few years.
Found out when 5 months pregnant that he is married to someone abroad and has a child. He has however never lived with her
Confronted him and he admitted all, has said he is getting divorced but can't prove it until 6 months time 'when he receives the documents'
I'm worried it won't happen. We are a perfect match for each other and this came as a shock, when I fell pregnant he did say that he needed to tell me some things about his life but in the end I had to snoop to find out
Not sure what my question is but I have inadvertently become the ow, I would never get involved with someone in a relationship/marriage.
She doesn't know I exist or that her child has a half sibling.
Do I wait and see how things turn out or leave?
I have his wife's contact details, she will never know the truth unless I tell her.
His mother knows about the situation, I'm not sure why he would tell her if he isn't sorting the situation out

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 12:35

I guess I just feel like he isn't the person I thought he was. Marriage is important to me and although he says he would never leave me I suspect he may also say the same to her. He lives in this country because he works here.
Last Christmas he went abroad and I stayed here pregnant on my own. He says this year we will be together but I am destroying things completely by having what I describe as meltdowns as I have lost patience with the situation. He says he saw a lawyer there 2 months ago to start the process but nothing at all happened so far and he can't give me any proof

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 21/10/2013 12:38

Which country are they in? Why does his wife think he's here? Why would he go back at Xmas if they're getting divorced?

Sorry you're going through this.
I think you know what you should do.... It's just hard to accept.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 12:40

I think you should be worried less about him not getting divorced and worry more about the fact you're living and co-parenting with a liar who has now lied to you as well as his wife and other child.

I'd have thought you must have suspected something like this when he told you he 'needed to tell you some things about his life' but shelved it and put it into the 'too difficult/denial' tray because you were pregnant.

I can't really get my head around that sort of head-in-sand response, but I do think lots of 'unwitting OWs' seem to display the same sort of behaviour. It's the three wise monkeys approach, to avoid facing up to the truth.

But let's not lose sight of the fact that he lied to you and he lied to others.

That should matter far more than whether he'll divorce.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2013 12:40

10 months ago I found out my dp of 6 years, who was working abroad ( 4 weeks away then home 4 weeks) had been living with another woman owner there for nearly a year.

Shall I tell you what I did? I confronted him. Listened to his lies and excuses for a little while. Then I walked out of the door and have not seen him since.

That is what you should do. What an utter utter spineless bastard.

And you are supposed to believe a single word he says now?!? They have never lived together but they have a child?!?

He is a liar and a cheat and you should walk away now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 12:41

Holding back something as important as a wife and child in another country isn't just a slip of the mind. It's deliberate deception. Of course she knows nothing about you - I doubt she even knows a divorce is on the cards either. It is completely unfair of him to place you in this position. Is that your term - destroying things completely - or is he expecting you to simply be calm about this while he sorts out this mythical paperwork?

BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2013 12:54

Owner = over

Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 12:54

Cogito - yes he says I need to be more patient. I know for sure he has never lived with her since they married 4 years ago. He has always worked in the uk, he says it was a mistake getting married as she would never leave their country and he likes to live here. She fell pregnant when she visited him once. He has been going regularly to see his daughter perhaps a few days every couple of months.

Last christmas I didn't know this, but obviously now looking back I am putting all the pieces together.

He says they don't have any intimacy but I find it hard to believe. He also says that until the divorce is done in 6 months I have to accept him going there without me.

If he really loved me he would cite adultery as the reason for divorce as the process there is very quick in those cases

But he is worried about losing money/assets that he has abroad

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 12:58

Mamma, it's in Europe, don't want to be too specific. She thinks he's here to work I presume. He used to make a lot of calls and tell me it was his mother. All of that has stopped now since he 'saw the lawyer'
They seem to have very little contact
However obviously I don't know what goes on while he's at work
The trust has gone hasn't it?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2013 12:59

I'll say it again op. He is a bare faced, brass necked liar and you would do well to never believe another word he says to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 13:01

It's all wrong isn't it? He's been shuttling back and forth to his home country all this time, never mentioning a wife and child, and you're expected to believe he hasn't been playing the dutiful husband and father when he gets there? And you're expected not to accompany him on future visits?..... now why do you suppose that is? Hmm I used to work with a gay man who had a wife and kids overseas and used his time away working to fully embrace the gay lifestyle before popping back home and playing the family man. If he really loved you, he'd have been honest when you met him.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 13:06

If he really loved me he would cite adultery as the reason for divorce

No, if he really loved you he wouldn't have lied to you for so long.

It's that simple.

Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 13:09

Yes that's true. And I would have ran away as soon as I knew he was married! I guess that's why he didn't tell me.
I also have 2 boys from previous relationship and he has taken us into his home. I'm hurt because the boys are obviously attached to him a bit now too

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 13:13

I'm finding it difficult to leave as I truly love him and we have a baby together. I'm also afraid to stay as I know in the long run I will probably get hurt. Also I'm struggling with my morals as I obviously see marriage differently to him and I would never knowingly be in this situation

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 13:17

'Leaving' in a final sense might not be something you're ready for. However, there's nothing to stop you asking him to step out of the family for a while until he's got the divorce properly underway. It could act as motivation for him to get a move on and take your relationship seriously, in which case it could be a positive. It could be you find out he's got no intention of divorcing the wife at home, in which case you're well shot. You may even find that life with your 3 DCs is so good that you don't need him back.

Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 13:20

I can't ask him to leave as his friend is currently staying with us (which adds to the situation as we have less space and privacy) and financially I can't afford to live here as I'm on maternity leave.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 21/10/2013 13:20

Sorry but she didn't "fall pregnant" on her own. They made love/had sex and they had a child together. Unless it was an arranged marriage, why would they even be married if there had been no relationship previously?

I'm sorry but I think he is lying to you both. I have been (sort of) where you are. It's bloody horrible. It's unlikely, though, that you have anything like the full picture yet.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 13:24

I would have ran away as soon as I knew he was married! I guess that's why he didn't tell me.

So when he impregnated you of his own free will and said he had things to tell you, what did you say and do?

Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 13:24

Belle I'm sorry you've been in a similar situation. May I ask what the outcome was with you?
The main thing worrying me is that timescales and goalposts keep changing with him..
He said all would be sorted before our baby was born, she's now a few months old and it turns out he didn't see the lawyer til she was a month old.
The bottom line is that if he didn't want to be with her he would be divorced already.
He just seems concerned about financially what he may lose

OP posts:
YoniMatopoeia · 21/10/2013 13:26

Does he see/support his child?

Granville72 · 21/10/2013 13:30

What is his nationality? Sounds like someone I know that married my OH's sister. As soon as the baby arrived he went back to his country to visit his family and never came back. Appears that he was already married and had kids but never told her nor do they know about the 'wife and child' he has here in the UK.

Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 13:31

Leavenheath - I asked him repeatedly to tell me what these things were, eventually he told me he had a daughter, apparently the result of 'a friend' visiting for two weeks. Turns out she wasn't a friend after all.
When I was 5 months pregnant I found photos of the babies baptism, they had rings on their fingers in the photos.
Previously whenever we did anything where they ask marital status he also said single!
I had no reason to suspect it
Also another weird thing which I put to the back of my mind is after a trip there he had viagra in his suitcase, one was missing.
He doesn't use that with me as far as I know and if they don't have sex why would he need that? He said it was brought back for a friend

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Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 13:32

Yoni, yes he supports her financially and goes there for a few days every 2 months or so.

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Original poster
Littleboyx2 · 21/10/2013 13:34

Granville I'm sorry to hear that story. He says he wants a life with us and he has been there for me in many ways and would do anything for me. I just feel very insecure and guilty about this whole thing

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BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2013 13:35

Littleboy I told yu abuot my similar situation. And I told you what I did.

Aren't you absolutely furious?

BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2013 13:36

Yeah, he'd do anything for yoou apart from tell you the truth about the fact that he's married!