What should I do?

[Littleboyx2]

Recently had a baby with my partner, we were so happy together and get along very well usually.
Have been living together/known each other for a few years.
Found out when 5 months pregnant that he is married to someone abroad and has a child. He has however never lived with her
Confronted him and he admitted all, has said he is getting divorced but can't prove it until 6 months time 'when he receives the documents'
I'm worried it won't happen. We are a perfect match for each other and this came as a shock, when I fell pregnant he did say that he needed to tell me some things about his life but in the end I had to snoop to find out
Not sure what my question is but I have inadvertently become the ow, I would never get involved with someone in a relationship/marriage.
She doesn't know I exist or that her child has a half sibling.
Do I wait and see how things turn out or leave?
I have his wife's contact details, she will never know the truth unless I tell her.
His mother knows about the situation, I'm not sure why he would tell her if he isn't sorting the situation out

I truly love him

From all the lies and deception he has put you through, what you actually love is the fantasy man in your head.

He is also someone who seems to have no regard - this is what he's telling you, you don't know the truth - of another woman he has married and has a child with. Only interested in not losing his assets.

This woman and child could be you and yours a few years down the line....

So sorry you are going through this.

He told her exactly the same thing along with many many reasons why he couldn't come back to the UK - delayed flights, poor weather, lost passport on and on it went.

What's more annoying is that it's her second marriage to someone of this religion, her second failed marriage, and now two kids with no father. She doesn't learn as she's dating yet another one and I'm sure it wont be long before she's got another kid on the way with no father who's decided to go home 'visiting'.

He's already lied to you. Why trust what he's telling you now?

Bitoutofpractice - Yes I am, while I was pregnant I stayed as he made me believe things would work out. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but nothing has changed. I was in denial, but now I'm full of anger.

you have nothing to feel guilty for!
you did nothing wrong.

he lied to you and is still lying to you.

who owns or rents the house you in?

is it in joint names?
why is the friend there? does he pay rent?

What an awful situation to be in OP. I personally could not continue a relationship knowing that he had lied to me for so long. I am not sure how you recover the trust that is an absolutely necessary foundation for relationships.

I have absolutely no doubt that he is not being truthful to you about the status of his other relationship. Is he sending money home to support his wife? I also feel sorry for his wife - who I am sure is not getting a full tale either. You mentioned about having her number - please don't use it (tempting as it is) - you are not sure what reaction you will get. I don't think anyone will thank you for releasing the beast! He has to 'face the music' and take the responsibility of telling her. Being a coward is not a realistic option when there are so many people affected.

Are you able to move out of his temporarily? I would call a pause on the relationship so that you can work out what you want to do and establish new rules for your relationship.If you are firm that you would not have wanted to be the OW; you must present these ideas to him. You could tell him about your ideas of being the OW and why that does not fit with what you want for yourself. Tell him that you are not prepared to wait indefinitely for papers as life is to short - even set a deadline. I would be very angry that he presented himself in a way that let you boys get attached to him.

If he started to take steps to divorce; he could provide you with the applications etc that he has completed/his court/solicitors contact details.

I'm sorry OP - but I really don't see how you are 'perfect for each other' right now. I think you need to concentrate on what you want to happen from now on. If he cannot provide what you need - may be time to find someone who can.

He rents in his name, he was already living here and I moved in. His friend pays a minimal amount. It was meant to be for a few weeks as he was relocating to this area, just before the baby was due. Baby is now a few months and it seems he is staying until February at least

Good! Concentrate on the anger and use it! Don't feel guilty. You did not know.

Here's the thing. He will not divorce her. There'll be a reason why he can't. It'll drag on. And he'll be telling you to be patient. That he loves you. But it's all lies. The visits to his home country? They are to vsit her. Live with her. Have sex with her. You do know that don't you?

This isn't a small thing that slipped his mind OP. This is about as bad as it gets as lies go. And he's still lying now. About everything.

Can you honestly love a man like that?

Bitoutofpractice - if he loves her and is in a relationship still then why doesn't he contact her anymore like he used to? We recently went overseas and he didn't contact her at all the whole time we were away. Surely a wife abroad would have some kind of daily contact?

She didn't contact him either..

Johflow - he says he sends money per month for the child. I have tried leaving temporarily, the thing is my family can only help me very temporarily as they don't live local to me. If I rent my own place I'm tied there financially for a year. If u had family I could stay with that would be the way forward.

*If I

He probably told her he was working. He's feeding her a pack of lies too.

And of course he's still contacting her. Just not when you're around.

He's a liar and a cheat remember? He is not telling you the truth. About anything. He is hiding things from you. And her.

When I was with my "D"P his phone would go off and he'd say it was work and switch it off. Of course it was her calling. He called her back when I was at work. He told me he couldn't have his mobile with him for security reasons when he was away. I believed him. It was a lie. He told me he was visiting family abroad and when he came back with a tan he told me he'd been on his mother's sun bed. In fact, he'd been to Thailand on holiday with her. These people will go to unbelievable lengths to cover up what they are doing and they cannot be trusted in anything they say ever again.

It doesn't matter if his relationship with his wife is over and he now gets a divorce, does it?

Although I agree that's most unlikely anyway.

Help me understand you.

Why on earth doesn't it matter more that he lied to you, her and all his children? Repeatedly.

Why?

I think he feels trapped in this marriage. It wasn't arranged per se, more expected. They haven't ever lived together since marrying. I think as he's from a small town where everyone knows each other's business he is reluctant to look bad. He said once before that he was waiting for her to ask for a divorce, he doesn't want to accept blame.
He says he wasn't ready to live with someone. Apparently according to others he never lived with anyone in his life apart from myself.

The thing is we have a real connection, I have no doubts about that and we love each other for sure. I just think he has become trapped in a marriage and it was possibly a mistake, but if so he has had plenty of time to sort things out sooner.
I know the right thing is to leave, but I really want to see light at the end of the tunnel

have you bene to his home town?
why not?
have you met his parents? have they met their grand child?

why not?

he can be the one to ask for a divorce. why not? he doesnt want to be the bad guy?

see the holes - "he's from a small town where everyone knows each other's business he is reluctant to look bad" so this means he is spinning a lie to her and all and sundry about working overseas whatever. they all think he is great dad working overseas to pay for child? when eh goes back he is feted and celebrated and you and your child are his dirty secret?

you are in very precarious position financially as you living some place and you not on the rent book. he can chuck you out any time.

yes leave him rent on your own with baby.
claim as single working parent whatever.

tell him to come back when he has the paperwork to show he divorced.

ps he isnt trapped at all is he? - he gets to have his cake and eat it doesnt he? plays the great husband/dad in his village then flies back to be with you... he is hardly trapped.

by staying married to her he has it both ways - so long as you stay in line too and do nothing.

Littleboy I know it's hard to accept all this about someone you love. I simply couldn't believe about my DP's other life either when I found out. I thought we were happy. I adored him. I thought he adored me.

But the truth is that your "D"P's wife thinks they have a connection as well. He is telling her that he loves her too. I would bet my mortgage on it. She didin't conceive this child alone did she?

He is lying to you both.

'He says'...

A lot of what you're writing is based on 'he said'. He said he was single. He said they never lived together. He said he was going to see a lawyer. He said his friend was only staying for a few weeks.

Basically... nothing 'he says' bears any resemblance to the truth. Trapped my arse. I'm glad you're angry because I think he's just spinning you one lie after another.

Cestlavie I wouldn't care if he divorced her or not now. This massive deceit is surely a deal breaker!

I haven't been to his home town. I have briefly spoken to his mother, she knows about us. Apparently I will meet her in a few weeks but in a different town! Personally I think ribs putting his mum in a difficult position meeting me but she wants to see her grandchild.
You're right he has the best of both worlds, married still and the excuse of working abroad to be with me too. He's delish I see that as he watched me suffer through a difficult pregnancy, I have suffered with anxiety since finding out and now pnd. I had pnd in the past but this time it's been more extreme due to the trauma of finding this out at 5 months pregnant.
I should leave I know. If he is now telling me the truth it will become apparent, if not then I'm better off away from this anyway.

I think you are more trapped in his marriage than he is!

He is a liar so basing anything at all purely on what he tells you is rather stupid, don't you think?

On the one hand, you say you would never get involved with a married man but you are making an awful lot of excuses for him. Granted, he has deceived you and you were not to know what you were getting into, but you know NOW.

As of this moment, he is an adulterer. And you are helping him. You can put a stop to it, at least until he is properly single again. I think the reason you don't want to do that is because you know, deep down, that he won't come back.

Squitten - exactly, that's why I asked for proof that the divorce is in progress, he says he can't prove it until he received papers within 6 months! I think he's just stringing me along isn't he? The thing is despite my iutbursts, meltdowns and general shit behaviour he still does everything to help me in daily life and still wants to be with me.
Surely it would be easier for him to just find someone else with no baggage and start afresh?
Why did he choose someone like me who had baggage, 2 children. It makes no sense to me at all.

Littleboy because when he's with you, he loves you. He believes all his won lies.

When he's with her, he loves her and believes what he's telling you.

These liars start to believe their own publicity otherwise they wouldn't be able to live with it.

4 weeks before I found out about my DP's other secret life, he turned up on my doorstep, all upset and proposed to me and told me I was te love of his life. I have no doubt he was talling her the same