What should I do?

[Littleboyx2]

Recently had a baby with my partner, we were so happy together and get along very well usually.
Have been living together/known each other for a few years.
Found out when 5 months pregnant that he is married to someone abroad and has a child. He has however never lived with her
Confronted him and he admitted all, has said he is getting divorced but can't prove it until 6 months time 'when he receives the documents'
I'm worried it won't happen. We are a perfect match for each other and this came as a shock, when I fell pregnant he did say that he needed to tell me some things about his life but in the end I had to snoop to find out
Not sure what my question is but I have inadvertently become the ow, I would never get involved with someone in a relationship/marriage.
She doesn't know I exist or that her child has a half sibling.
Do I wait and see how things turn out or leave?
I have his wife's contact details, she will never know the truth unless I tell her.
His mother knows about the situation, I'm not sure why he would tell her if he isn't sorting the situation out

Sorry about the crap typing. I'm a bit worked up!!

A financially independent (possibly single and childless) woman who had high standards in personal relationships and could smell bullshit a mile off wouldn't have been such an attractive option, would she?

As soon as she realised he was lying to her, she'd have dumped him like a shot.

He clearly thought there was a small risk of you doing that, so he waited till you were pregnant and vulnerable before he dropped the initial bombshell.

Now he's discovered that you'll overlook all his previous lies, continue to believe these utterly implausible stories and will put up with it as long as he actually divorces at some point in the future. His respect for you must be at zero.

I expect before he has to show 'proof' of a divorce, he'll be off finding some other vulnerable and dependent woman and will possibly lie to her about your existence. Either that or he'll 'suddenly realise' that he never wanted to divorce his wife at all.

Bitoutofpractice - I'm sorry you went through that. I know what you're trying to say. I know that when I was pregnant he was booking a holiday with her, he didn't go in the end, but that's not the point. You don't make holiday plans with someone you don't want to be with.
I just don't want to see the truth do I? I really thought he is the one, he said that to me as well. And promised that once he's divorced he wants to marry me. I've made it clear that's not on the cards.

*Littleboy because when he's with you, he loves you. He believes all his won lies.

When he's with her, he loves her and believes what he's telling you.

These liars start to believe their own publicity otherwise they wouldn't be able to live with it*

Spot. On.

Thanks for copying my typos Madeline

I'm sorry if I'm banging on OP. I can just see you in the same denial that I was and it is just a horrible horrible situation to be in. I truly feel for you but I want you to wake up and realise what's happening.

I am not a stupid woman. I don't think I'm gullible. I'm not in the first flush of youth and thought I knew about the world. But I truly did not see it coming and I tried with all my might to make excuses for him. See the best in him because I loved him. Even when all the evidence showed me that he was a lying scumbag, I tried to justify his behaviour.

But at the end of the day, he was a lying cheating wanker and not the man I thought he was

I understand what you are telling me :) thank you for your advice, I just think that as he spends perhaps 18 days with her over a year and the rest with me that maybe he really doesn't want to be with her. He could visit a lot more if he wanted as flights there are cheap and it's near enough to go just for the weekend. Technically if he wanted he could work here in the week and go there every other weekend or even each weekend if he wanted to.
I guess I want to believe that we do have a future. At the same time this situation is hurting me and he knows that.

Littleboy the outcome was that I eventually ended it with him and am now with a genuinely wonderful man and am happier than I have ever been in my life.

That makes it sound easier than it was. I spent a year trying to make it work with him; a year of trying to be the one he chose; a year of him swinging between me and his wife; it was agonising. I was heartbroken and my self esteem was on the floor. As for his poor wife, she was absolutely broken too. She's good and furious now though. The two hour chat I had with her was highly illuminating... We found much in common.

He meanwhile, is with someone else he's lied to and deceived. And appears to be quite unhappy.

I am no longer angry with him. I'm just tired of him and his selfish twattery. If it weren't for our daughter, I'd never have anything to do with him again. I loved him so much and now I can't believe I was ever interested in him.

And, in fact, everything outofpractice is saying. I did all of that too. And had much the same experiences...

head desk

This isn't a competition about who he wants more.

This is about a man who has lied to you, is still lying to you and will do so again.

But you're obviously going to put up with this in order to stay with him, so I'll bow out for now.

Leavenheath - I understand your points completely. I'm just finding it hard to see how I fell for this. I'm not a stupid person and worked with him, knew him well before getting involved or so I thought.
I think I will stay and see how things turn out. I have more to lose by leaving as I would have to return to work immediately as maternity pay won't cover my expenses.
When I'm due to return to work I will make a decision as by then the 6 month wait will be up!

Belledame, it's interesting to hear your experience. I know I might be wasting my time but I feel I need to stay a littler get to make sure and price it to myself. I don't know if that makes sense.
It doesn't help that I'm a hopeless romantic who falls for this stuff, he always knows exactly the right things to say. Sometimes it almost feels like a script said many items before.

Stay a little longer and prove it to myself - sorry

I think I will stay and see how things turn out. I have more to lose by leaving as I would have to return to work immediately as maternity pay won't cover my expenses

Op what about losing your self respect and sanity ? You will be in the same situation in 6 months time.

I know. I know where you are with this. We're just trying to spare you the pain we had. It's hard to know someone is going through it and not try to give them the benefit of experience in the hope of helping them.

MN helped me enormously. Not least in seeing what a good relationship should look like. My frame of reference was somewhat messed up. I'd keep reading the Relationship Board and you'll see that what I mean.

Good luck.

I don't ofetn say this quite so bluntly OP but I think you are making a huge mistake. The situation is untenable and you will never (should never!) trust him again.

But I guess you have to make your own decisions. I just wish I could make you see how much happier and calmer I am since I have that deceit and despair out of my life

Good luck xx

I think deep down I already know that things won't change.
I have a deadline in my mind now and if things are still the same I will leave at that point.
For now at least staying here I can try to build up some financial security enough for rent deposit and so on.
I think I need to be sensible about my next move as I don't have family or friends to rely on.
Thank you for your advice, will be back with future updates I'm sure.
I guess I just thought maybe there could be the odd exception where someone is married to the wrong person and only then meets someone better suited. However I do see that he's gone about this in completely the wrong way by being dishonest.

You are the OW.
You have no intention of leaving this fool. You will put up and shut up until he gets another job and goes home to her.
Good luck with that.