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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE COW !!

68 replies

notnotnee · 21/10/2013 11:21

So, as you may know from previous posts, I have asked my husband to leave. We have been married 1 year, together 2 but things have not been good. Lazy, selfish, short tempered, controlling, always right, doesn't listen etc.
He finally left the weekend and I feel so sorry for him. He is devastated!! Completely broken. He has cried, written letters, pleaded with me to go to marriage guidance, lost his temper etc. To see any man like this is heartbreaking.
My question is........ should I give him another chance. This will be his 4th chance?

I do love him but I am being a realist and I kind of know, nothing will change. Am I right or wrong?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 21/10/2013 11:25

Have you tried the marriage guidance/counselling before? If not, and you want to, give it a bash, but do NOT let him back. He has to stay away during it, until you may be ready to do it all properly.

If you don't want him back, but just feel sorry for him - don't do it!

Abbykins1 · 21/10/2013 11:28

Sounds like your better off without..........the only redeeming feature is,he hasn't been unfaithful and to a lot of people that's very important.

Original poster
notnotnee · 21/10/2013 11:28

Never tried the guidance before. I just think people don't change. We are what we are and I should not be trying to change him anyway??

OP posts:
Original poster
notnotnee · 21/10/2013 11:30

He has just text me to ask if he can have a bath as he has been sleeping in his van!!! WTF, this is torture. I feel awful...

OP posts:
Abbykins1 · 21/10/2013 11:55

He wants you to feel awful and guilty,it's a well worn strategy.

peggyundercrackers · 21/10/2013 11:58

i dont think this is the place you should be asking if you are doing the right thing taking your hubby back. your only going to get one answer.

Original poster
notnotnee · 21/10/2013 12:01

Abbykins1 - and its working. I have said he can go and have a bath but I want him gone by the time I get home and he must leave the key.
Peggyundercrackers - not sure what you mean??? Is this the wrong forum??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 12:03

He only left at the weekend. You need time to think rather than be emotionally blackmailed into doing things you later regret. What he's doing is pretty classic for a controlling bully. They start with the guilt-tripping, offers to change and, if that doesn't work, they move onto threats of taking away children, committing suicide etc

So starve the fire of oxygen, cut contact, don't answer your phone to him, start getting advice about divorce and please give yourself that thinking time. The less influence he has on you, the better able you'll be to think clearly. Good luck and stay strong.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 12:04

I think 'Peggyundercrackers' is pushing a 'MN are man-hating vipers' agenda... ignore.

IslaValargeone · 21/10/2013 12:09

4th chance?
Go with your gut and stay strong, he's just trying different tactics now, guilt instead of temper.
He's seen a chink now you have let him have a bath, don't allow him to find another.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 12:12

Absolutely. Don't let him back in your home. This type of person only has one motive and that's to get their victim back in position, feeling sorry for them and preferably apologising for having kicked them out in the first place. He is not devastated or broken... he is just annoyed that you found some balls. Never let him back in the house again.

peggyundercrackers · 21/10/2013 12:13

cogito i dont have any agenda - not unlike a lot of people on this board.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 12:13

So do you think she should take the husband back?

peggyundercrackers · 21/10/2013 12:14

i see you have already posted 3 times in this short thread, twice to give the same answer in a different format - i wonder what your agenda is?

peggyundercrackers · 21/10/2013 12:15

cogito i cant give any advice based on hearing 1 side of a story, im bowing out now as I dont want to take over thread.

RevelsRoulette · 21/10/2013 12:17

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Einstein)

4 times. Including this time, this is 4 times you've been here. 4 times he's promised the same things and the first 3 times he didn't make the changes that he promised to make.

What is different this time? Why would this time be the time that he actually changes?

Choos123 · 21/10/2013 12:19

No 4th chance? I think he needs to accept it and stick to your guns op

Original poster
notnotnee · 21/10/2013 12:28

Thank you everyone. It really helps keep me strong and on the right tracks. Think peggyundercrackers got out of bed the wrong side. If you are not interested in the post, just ignore. Why post anything at all??

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/10/2013 12:28

Remember OP - you have not done this to him. He has arrived at the place he is in, because of his own conduct. If this is his 4th chance then he knows fine well how you feel about his behaviour and how it affects you, yet he has chosen to continue in the same vein regardless. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with how he treats you.

He's pulling out all the stops now and giving you a performance because no doubt it has worked for him in the past. Guilt tripping and chipping away at your resolve.

Stay strong. He won't change, and that's of his own doing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 12:32

My 'agenda' is helping women believe in themselves.

Original poster
notnotnee · 21/10/2013 12:32

Pictish - very well put. When I read this I realize I am so doing the right thing.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:35

4th chance ?

Nah. Ignore the OTT emotional blackmail and crocodile tears. He had his chances, he blew them. Only he is responsible for that. He needs to get a grip and realise his own behaviour has brought him here. You taking him back again is not going to do that...you will be back to square one within the month.

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:38

peggy, I think you have misunderstood this website

both "sides" don't get to put their case

this isn't a court of law, it's a website where people try to support others in the ways they see fit

not everybody agrees with each other, that's the nature of it, and why people post here

Original poster
notnotnee · 21/10/2013 12:40

Scaryfucker - I know. It is just emotional blackmail. Onward and upwards.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:42

Indeed.

It shouldn't be too long until he finds some other woman to dick around. Hold on to that thought, because he'll drop the "woe is me" act like a hot potato then

Actions my love, always actions not words