Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE COW !!

68 replies

notnotnee · 21/10/2013 11:21

So, as you may know from previous posts, I have asked my husband to leave. We have been married 1 year, together 2 but things have not been good. Lazy, selfish, short tempered, controlling, always right, doesn't listen etc.
He finally left the weekend and I feel so sorry for him. He is devastated!! Completely broken. He has cried, written letters, pleaded with me to go to marriage guidance, lost his temper etc. To see any man like this is heartbreaking.
My question is........ should I give him another chance. This will be his 4th chance?

I do love him but I am being a realist and I kind of know, nothing will change. Am I right or wrong?

OP posts:
SpookyWerewolf · 21/10/2013 12:59

In future he can shower at a friend or family member's home, council lesuire facilities or a local gym

QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 13:03

4th chance? In 2 years??

Holy crap, get rid, and stay strong.

He does not need to sneak around in your home while you are not there. He can go shower at the gym/pool.

Walkacrossthesand · 21/10/2013 13:07

So the previous 3 times you kicked him out on the basis of lazy/selfish/arrogant etc, he promised to change and you let him back, right? And nothing changed. So he now believes that if he promises hard enough, and pushes hard enough, you'll let him back in and he can carry on as before. Don't let him, this time. If he switches to snarling and threatening as above, you'll have your answer. If, from his new base outside the marital home, he is genuinely remorseful, remains so for many months, wants to go into counselling with you to work it out - that's different - but doesn't seem to happen often, sadly. Good luck - and no more feeling sorry for him! He can look after himself!

MillyONaire · 21/10/2013 13:09

I disagree that people don't change. Dh and I had been together for 4 years and it was a volatile, unhappy relationship we split up and like your situation he begged me to come back, I said I would if he'd come to counselling. We went to Relate and it was okay - not earth shattering but our relationship did change. We got married and have been fairly happily married for 12 years. Whatever ups and downs we had we have never had the same problems as back then (other problems mind you but not the same) - imo it is worth giving counselling a go.

tingle1 · 21/10/2013 16:11

Cognito hates men. irony! isnt it just squaddies tho cog?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 16:20

You've lost me?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/10/2013 16:28

I don't think Cogito hates men. I think she hates abusive men. As do I.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/10/2013 16:28

Sorry, that was totally unhelpful to the OP.

OP, nah, don't give him another chance. He's had them all. Look upon today as the day your life started afresh.

LeoandBoosmum · 21/10/2013 16:44

If you still love him, I would give him another chance on the very clear understanding that you have marriage counselling and he puts words into actions. I would give it a year of 'trying' and then throw in the towel if it becomes apparent during that time that he's all talk and doesn't really want to work on your marriage.

I'm probably going to get attacked here - honestly, I don't mean any offence - but to start a relationship and get married inside of a year is perhaps asking for things to fail. How well do you really know each other in such a short time, especially if some of that 'courting' (for want of a better word) period was given over to planning a wedding. It's easy to get caught up in planning a wedding but harder to sustain a marriage. I don't want to sound like a pompous know-it-all and I hope this is not coming across that way... You have only been married for a year. It's a serious commitment and if you love each other then problems can be overcome with a little time and effort on both parts. I wouldn't give up on the marriage just yet unless you both think you made a serious mistake in getting married in the first place.

If he's young and maybe been looked after by his mum up until this point he may think you pick up where she left off, for example. Also, if you are his first really serious relationship it's a huge learning curve.
If there are no children at this stage then whatever you do don't get pregnant (not until you are convinced that the marriage has a good chance of working).

Maybe have a chat with him? Tell him you're willing to work on the marriage (practically...eg through counselling and implementing strategies suggested by the therapist) but you won't be manipulated into giving him chance after chance...

It can work if you love each other and each is willing to examine themselves, their behaviour, and put in the work...
Hope this came across in the spirit in which it was intended.
Hope all works out for you... :)

LeoandBoosmum · 21/10/2013 16:48

Oh, and maybe he does want to change but hasn't been able to by himself. People are full of good intentions - his failure to change doesn't necessarily make him a manipulative liar - but that doesn't mean they know how to change. That is where counselling would help (you both). If you do give counselling a shot, please don't think you are there to fix your DH, that would be totally the wrong mindset. Be prepared to also examine yourself and work on your own behaviour in the relationship to improve things too...
I sound like Marj Proops here Grin

pictish · 22/10/2013 00:32

Yes...she gives shit advice too.

Roshbegosh · 22/10/2013 00:41

He sounds a bit pathetic. Why is a grown man living in a van without the ability to figure out where he can shower? Is he your man child?

LeoandBoosmum · 22/10/2013 05:00

Pictish,
Seriously, there's no need to be so bitchy! The OP asked for advice and I gave m opinion. The OP made a commitment, it's not like it's just some boyfriend she's been with for six months. I'm as entitled to offer my view as you are...without being attacked for it.

LeoandBoosmum · 22/10/2013 05:00

*my

Lweji · 22/10/2013 07:36

It does remind me of my ex, who refused counselling even after i told him we were done and even managed to miss a psychiatrist appointment after leaving. Who begged and pleaded and changed a soon as he crossed the door.

People don't fundamentally change. They can change some things, but only if they want too.

The examples given here are cases of 2nd chances. If that doesn't work you only get in a rut of N chances and nothing changes.
Let him prove to you he can take care of himself and be an adult before you even consider talking to him.

He's appealing to your motherly instinct, but you are not his mother!

Lweji · 22/10/2013 07:39

Oh and a 4th chance over one year of marriage?!

Commitment in marriage is not to put up with whatever the other person throws at us. It works both ways.

pictish · 22/10/2013 10:29

Leo sorry actually. I was a bit pissed when I wrote it and clearly not giving of a toss. Apologies for that.

Onebuddhaisnotenough · 22/10/2013 10:44

Speaking as someone who left an abusive marriage, I would ask you to consider if you believe that he has been abusive to you.
If the answer is yes, then it has to end now.

If however you do no feel that your relationship is abusive, then I don't think that you have anything to lose by going to relationship counselling. It may be that you marriage ends despite counselling anyway but I do think that just sometimes counselling does work. He has to stay away though.

Original poster
notnotnee · 22/10/2013 10:53

LeoandBoosmum - Thanks for your advice. Its interesting to see it from another angle. FYI, he is 55 and I am 48, he has 1 daughter from a previous relationship who is 26 (not a good relationship) he has had 3 serious relationships in his past and all 3 have broken down. The last one lasted 13 years before she walked. Had a difficult childhood. Grew up in a children's home. He is a "mans man" and like you say, I think the sadness is, he really wants to change but has no idea where he is going wrong. Although I have spelt things out on numerous occasions, he just doesn't get it. Its as though he hasnt moved with the times. I have explained we are living in the 21st Century not the 18th but to no avail.

OP posts:
Original poster
notnotnee · 22/10/2013 10:57

Onebuddhaisnotenough - I think there has been verbal abuse, definately. He has called me a "fucking slag" in front of my 17 year of daughter, shouted "why dont you shut the fuck up" in front of my son who is now at uni. Called me a fucking piss head for having 1 bottle of wine a week with my neighbor. Slammed doors, ripped up photos of our wedding and burned them, thrown his ring at me and told me he fucking hates me and wishes he never me me. I would consider this abusive.

OP posts:
BrunelsBigHat · 22/10/2013 11:00

If he does want to change, he can move out, change, stay changed for a year. Then and only then you could possibly consider gifting him that fifth chance.

Or not, if you don't want to.

If he truly truly wants to change, he will jump at the chance and get counselling and outside help to change and see it through.

If he resists, then its all just words. Innit.

BrunelsBigHat · 22/10/2013 11:02

Ah. Just seen your post re the abuse.

Ltb

MissStrawberry · 22/10/2013 11:04

SO many reasons not to take him back but calling you a fucking slag would be enough.

There is a script and he is following it.

Has he been for his bath yet? if not, text him and say he can't. Get yourself some legal advice and start thinking about how amazing your life is going to be when you aren't being bullied and controlled.

Original poster
notnotnee · 22/10/2013 11:11

Missstrawberry - You are right. He visited my house yesterday when I was at work for his bath. Left the key and went. Although I was a bit surprised to see he hadn't taken all his belongings.

Brunelsbighat - I am not sure I would be prepared to put my life on hold for a year, in the hope he changes. I am 48 (no spring chicken) !!!

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 22/10/2013 11:29

Men like this are like cats. All they're after is a comfy life and they will emotionally blackmail you into providing it (such as the bath scenario). They will whine and whine and try to make you feel bad.

If you ignore them for long enough, they will slink off and find another cushy billet.