No problem, Pictish, we've all said thing in the heat of the moment...
notnotnee, Hmmm... your latest posts have put a different complexion on things. As you hadn't previously mentioned it, I'd assumed that there was no abuse, verbal or otherwise. Everyone has rows, but it is overstepping the mark to verbally abuse you, especially in front of the children - adult or not - and to destroy your wedding photographs. :(
I had, from what you'd described, thought he was probably young, naive and expecting you to pick up where his mum left off (in a way he is - he is emotionally immature!). The fact that he is 55 years old with a trail of unhappy failed relationships behind him alludes to his deeply entrenched views and negative patterns of behaviour. I don't think that means he can't change, but he at least has to recognise and acknowledge that change is necessary and be willing to do whatever it takes (which is likely to be counselling, since he can't do it alone). He may need to see some one alone, plus see a marriage counsellor separately with you if that is a route you want to take (it sounds like you want to throw the towel in right now, probably because, as you say, at 48 you are not getting any younger, and you are sad, angry and frustrated, justifiably so).
I do pity him, to be honest. He probably has a lot of scars from his childhood. He never knew the love or guidance of his parents. Children's homes, particularly in the past, were not always pleasant places. They were functional, big on discipline but not so big on 'care' and love. They were not the sort of places where you showed weakness. He probably learnt to become a 'man's man' at a very young age in order to survive. It's likely he is emotionally stunted, still the little boy whose parents abandoned him, with no real positive role models or examples of loving, stable, healthy relationships.
The chances are, whether or not he can discern any of this, he does not know how to change things. He has fallen into a pattern of self-destructive behaviour (that also hurts others), perhaps because he knows no better, perhaps as a defence mechanism. Consciously or subconsciously, he is pushing those who care about him away... It's actually pretty sad when you think about it, and maybe hard for you to get a deep insight into, particularly if you grew up with loving parents who nurtured you, taught you right from wrong in a balanced and loving way, positively shaped your view of the world and equipped you well for life. :(
People can say, for example, 'Four chances? Not on your nelly' or 'Yeah, well he's an adult now, time to start behaving like one' but it's not that black and white, is it? His past has blighted his life and he's tried and failed many times. His issues won't go away and happiness will elude him (and those around him) until he is able to see the damage he is doing to himself and his relationships with those he cares about, and seeks help.
(For him, seeking outside help would probably be an anathema to him. In his mind, counselling is likely to be something real men don't do!) If he were open to help, it probably still wouldn't be easy! The road ahead would probably be bumpy and painful at times, and he could sometimes take three steps forward and two steps back...
I'm reminded of that old joke, Q: 'How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: 'One, but the light bulb has got to want to change!' I think people can change but that's the key thing: they really have to want to!
In the end, I suppose the future of your marriage hinges on whether he is willing to get help (and, more importantly, whether you feel you want to take that road). I am guessing that you love him or you wouldn't have married him. I think I sense that deep down you really care about him and feel you could be happy together if he would get help.
(BTW, as an aside, I don't think the bankruptcy necessarily means he has used you; it's more likely that it's just another manifestation of his self-destructive behaviour.)
Or, perhaps you feel you rushed into things by marrying him and genuinely made a mistake, in which case it would be sensible to bail.
It's really up to you whether you want to commit more time to the marriage and make the emotional investment (if he wants to work on the marriage...with professional help). If he is totally resistant to getting help then you're basically on a hiding to nothing, and should end the marriage, sad as it is. We all make mistakes and errors of judgement. You would only be failing yourself and him if you carried on in a marriage you don't feel you really want to be in. I think you have to search your heart and ask yourself what you really want, and take it from there.
If you love him and want to try to work on the marriage, I think it would be helpful to ask your husband if he wants to get help to make things work (do your homework as not all counsellors are equal. And, as I said, independent counselling, maybe for both of you, would perhaps be helpful?) I would tell him that you love him, that you understand he had a difficult childhood that has negatively impacted his life, but that if he stands any chance of happiness with you (or at all) for what remains of his life, then he must confront his demons. He is an adult now...he does not have to be a prisoner to his past! You love him but you can't continue as it is...and these are not problems he can fix with a self-help book from Amazon!
Maybe you should write him a letter? That way it doesn't degenerate into an angry slanging match - where cruel things are said in the heat of the moment - and nothing is achieved except more hurt and damage! A letter helps you to get down how you really feel and what you want to happen - in a less angry way - and gives him the chance to read, re-read, absorb and consider.
If you want to work on the marriage, I would tell him how you feel, what you want to happen - in a letter or otherwise - then suggest that you have a month apart (no contact at all) to defuse the situation a little and to give you both a chance to really assess what you both want.
I don't want to sound like an armchair psychologist; I actually think much of the above is common sense.
I really do hope you and he can find happiness, whether that is together or separately.
Keep your chin up and keep us posted. Hugs, LeoandBoosMum