Sad and Fustrated, help me find a way to 'talk'...

[missusmrs]

It seems my DH I have reached a crisis point. From his perspective it comes down to lack my lack of sex drive. We have sex 2/3 a week but his issue is that 1) it always instigated by him 2) 2/3 times is not enough and 3) that I’m not enthusiastic enough for it. I’m just not that into it – but I have very rarely said no, believing as I do that if I don’t use it I’ll lose it So I’m happy with 2/3 times, sometimes it’s great sometimes rubbish. We have a happy relationship otherwise and when all is good it’s great.
We have 2 boys under 5 one just started school, I returned to work full time 4 weeks ago, we have a new child-minder etc. so lots going on at the moment.
DH brought it up last Tuesday evening as something he was very concerned about, I said I would look at ways of addressing the issue. We had sex Thursday am. Friday evening he had a major strop – ignoring me and then getting angry that since our talk I hadn’t made an effort! A memorable line from that exchange was ‘this is how affairs start’. We ended with him asking for a time frame of how long I would need, I said I didn’t know a few days/a week (I still not sure what I was needing time for!). I instigated sex on Saturday . Sunday, he was grumpy all day and at one stage during the day we didn’t exchange a single word to each other in 4 hours. This morning, he’s grumpy, non-communicative and visibly sighed when I kissed him goodbye, when I said it’s not that bad surely – he said well it’s not great at the moment is it?
I have spent the weekend floundering between tears of sadness and fury, to moving on completely in my head. I don’t know where to start to fix this, I don’t even know if I should try. I always seem to be the one ‘fixing’. I am not a very good communicator- my stressed out eczema skin is a testament to my unhappiness. I’m sad to realise that if I put on my best actress hat and become all singing and dancing burlesque, sexting wife from today all will be fine BUT with a lack of understanding in my lack of drive and the reasons why and a grumpy stroppy attitude I just feel sad. A ’chat’will lead to confrontation which I always loose/get upset and take on all the blame for in the end. Im nearly at the stage of telling him to shove out there into the world and get as much as he can! I need some advice on a way to start talking about the issues and working out an options plan so any help or suggestions in terms a way to start the ball rolling, …………….whatever path it ends up taking me.

This morning, he’s grumpy, non-communicative and visibly sighed when I kissed him goodbye Gosh, that must make you so horny! I don't know how you can keep your hands off him!

In all seriousness, the biggest problem in your relationship seems to be him. Guilt tripping your partner into having sex is Very Not Cool. LTB.

"this is how affairs start"
I would respond by gently not not! reminding him that you don't respond to threats very well. I would not be coerced into sex because my"d"h suggests he will look elsewhere otherwise. That's not exactly a turn on is it? That is controlling behaviour and it needs to be stopped right now.

Is childcare and housework shared or are you responsible for the lions share?

I'd say this 'chat' is a complete red herring and that he's already having an affair, love.

He's manufacturing problems out of nowhere so that when he leaves or his affair has been discovered, he can say 'but I did tell you to buck your ideas up!'- forgetting that by the time he engineered these 'complaints' he was already playing away.

Get digging, is my advice.

These really are false complaints to cover up something else.

This is weird. Sex 2/3 times a week with two small DC? That's a bloody feast, not a famine.

He's being completely unfair to you and as a PP said, seeking to control you by guilt tripping you. Or worse, such as Leavenheath suggests.

2/3 times a week is alot for most people he doesnt sound very nice

Tosser. He is being very unfair and I would want to know why. He's either thoroughly entitled and a sexual bully (that's the good news, I'm afraid) or he's trying to divert you from his affair.

I would say the only possible way to get past this (if you want to) is through counselling. His expectations are extraordinary and he clearly can't see and won't see things from your pov. Two young children and working full time? 2-3 times a week is bloody loads.

If this bloke isn't already having a full blown affair I'll eat my hat.

I've seen variations of this thread hundreds of times on Mumsnet and it's always turned out to be an affair that started long before the spurious complaints came out of nowhere.

BOOsterseat, housework is shared equally although I would tend to pick up the lions of the childcare.

I'd eat my own hat if he was having an affair - I really dont believe it to be an option (that will probably come back to bite me!)

Your replies are helping me to see the unreasonable side of his demands, and yes the current attitude is doing nothing to make me feel better

It has been presented as my problem and something I need to fix to save our relationship

I would like to explore counselling as an option so he can start to see how he looks/sounds when he demands so much with nothing in return.

Can I ask why you don't believe an affair to be an option?

Accepting that there is no such thing as a 'type' to cheat, he presumably has some autonomy over his time out of the house (including going to work) and has access to phones and computers?

My response to the "affair" comment would have been: "Yes and women have affairs because they have no emotional connection with their selfish gits of husbands who expect the wife to be at their beck and call all of the time!" Give the fucker something to think about if nothing else.

Seriously, you are tired, sex is not the number one priority, if you are doing it 2/3 times a week that's more than average so he should shut the fuck up and be grateful!

It's not YOUR problem either - his crap attitude is the problem - counselling might be a good option, although I imagine he would not recognise his faults even if they were pointed out to him by a third party.

I very much doubt he'd go for counselling because he'd (possibly wrongly) assume a counsellor would see through this crock and suspect something else was going on.

Though I have seen threads like this where the bloke went to counselling as a box-ticking 'I've tried everything' exercise, but failed to engage with the process and the whole thing was an expensive waste of time, because secrets were being held back from an incurious and gullible counsellor.

What the hell ?

Your husband is a complete bastard. Please stop putting out to his demands immediately and start making plans to leave. Your self respect will thank you for it.

This man needs kicking right in the cock, metaphorically. His threats should be taken as proof that your relationship is over as of right now whether he is already playing away or not.

< fumes >

I wouldn't even consider joint counselling. it's not recomended where there is abuse in the relationship. And there is here. His threats and demands have had you performing like a sexed up circus monkey. Stop it right now.

Leavenheath the only time out of the house is work really, he doesnt go out socially, he has a stress job and works 7.30am - 4.30pm when he leaves to collect our DS's from childcare. Hes not into mobiles/computers - has a work phone and acess to home desktop but no smart phone/ipad etc. Of course anything is possible but I just dont see it
Thanks ScaryFucker I did wonder about going alone I think it might help me and as mentioned he will probably refuse anyway, saying we can fix it ourselves ( can you tell we have had this discussion in our past?)

Yes, individual counselling is a good idea.

Gawd it's like a bingo card.

Stress job
Work phone where you don't see the bills
Engineers complaints about sex despite its frequency
Threatens to start an affair
Abusive and threatening behaviour
Won't go to counselling

You do realise that people don't only have affairs at night don't you? That they take time off work and hide it? That the OW/OM is often at work/was met through work? Or that they have affairs online?

My advice to you is to rule out an affair by investigating that first. It's IMO the most likely cause of your problems (not the root one of course, that's selfishness) and so it makes sense to investigate it.

Nah, boot him out first

he treats you like shit. It would be a blessing if he also had a soft landing somewhere else, it might mean he fucks off with a minimum of self pitying drama

I agree entirely, but a woman who's dressing up and putting on burlesque sexual performances for a dick like this only a short while ago, is hardly likely to go from that to kicking him out in one fell swoop.

Even if she should.

She might if she discovers he's a cheat though.

There could be a middle ground here... That he hasn't actually started an affair but has met a woman who has made him consider it.

I would also recommend counselling, I spoke only recently to a friend in a similar position. The husband came away from the sessions in disbelief having realised that it was him, not her who had the issues.

I agree, 2/3 a week is loads! With all this pressure all the time how could you possibly enjoy it??

OMG he is one lucky guy. We have sex about 2-3 times a month, if DH is lucky (and we're TTC!!!). DH tried that tactic with me once, so I threatened to leave him and he soon changed his ways...

I love my DH, I just don't particularly love sex and NEVER instigate it. Now our situation definitely could do with some improvements. Yours however seems like my DH's dream!!

Do not put up with this. He sounds very bullying...

You mean an affair might have started in his head but not yet the bed?

In which case, nothing the OP can do will stop an affair happening. He will still find fault.

He wanted her to initiate sex and be enthusiastic. She did on saturday and he was still saying she wasn't good enough. Then she turns into a porn star and he's still complaining.

I think I've seen it called 'setting a wife up to fail' and it's always there or therabouts on affair threads.

I really shouldnt be so delighted at all your responses but I am, all you say I knew was true but I needed to have it laid out in front of me, its not acceptable and I will putting him straight. he can swan right off if he doenst like it. I will look hard for affair evidence, I would agree if it is there at all its in the planning stages rather than started. I will look at some self improvement though, why is my automatic response to fix it/do more even though it makes me angry and upset.

Good for you, love.

The reason that was your automatic response is, I suspect because your wretched dick of a husband is trading on all the false stereotypes of women and because like most women, you've been conditioned to think you're responsible for your relationship on account of having a vagina.

Out of interest, what efforts did he say he'd make to bring things back on track?

If he did, are you seeing those in action?

Im afraid I'm not so convinced an affair isn't in full swing. But no doubt if you find something, he'll admit to only what you can prove, so box clever here and find enough.

Funny enough Leavenheath the problem lies with me and me alone and all expectations to fix it are for me to handle. His contribution was bringing up the issue in a 'calm way and not getting angry'

Obvioulsy now that the apple cart is upset somewhat the list of issues is growing in my head and my 'talk' is taking formation in my head. I cant actual believe we discussed a deadline by which I would have changed my ways!!