Sad and Fustrated, help me find a way to 'talk'...

[missusmrs]

It seems my DH I have reached a crisis point. From his perspective it comes down to lack my lack of sex drive. We have sex 2/3 a week but his issue is that 1) it always instigated by him 2) 2/3 times is not enough and 3) that I’m not enthusiastic enough for it. I’m just not that into it – but I have very rarely said no, believing as I do that if I don’t use it I’ll lose it So I’m happy with 2/3 times, sometimes it’s great sometimes rubbish. We have a happy relationship otherwise and when all is good it’s great.
We have 2 boys under 5 one just started school, I returned to work full time 4 weeks ago, we have a new child-minder etc. so lots going on at the moment.
DH brought it up last Tuesday evening as something he was very concerned about, I said I would look at ways of addressing the issue. We had sex Thursday am. Friday evening he had a major strop – ignoring me and then getting angry that since our talk I hadn’t made an effort! A memorable line from that exchange was ‘this is how affairs start’. We ended with him asking for a time frame of how long I would need, I said I didn’t know a few days/a week (I still not sure what I was needing time for!). I instigated sex on Saturday . Sunday, he was grumpy all day and at one stage during the day we didn’t exchange a single word to each other in 4 hours. This morning, he’s grumpy, non-communicative and visibly sighed when I kissed him goodbye, when I said it’s not that bad surely – he said well it’s not great at the moment is it?
I have spent the weekend floundering between tears of sadness and fury, to moving on completely in my head. I don’t know where to start to fix this, I don’t even know if I should try. I always seem to be the one ‘fixing’. I am not a very good communicator- my stressed out eczema skin is a testament to my unhappiness. I’m sad to realise that if I put on my best actress hat and become all singing and dancing burlesque, sexting wife from today all will be fine BUT with a lack of understanding in my lack of drive and the reasons why and a grumpy stroppy attitude I just feel sad. A ’chat’will lead to confrontation which I always loose/get upset and take on all the blame for in the end. Im nearly at the stage of telling him to shove out there into the world and get as much as he can! I need some advice on a way to start talking about the issues and working out an options plan so any help or suggestions in terms a way to start the ball rolling, …………….whatever path it ends up taking me.

And what about your wants and needs?????

Ditch the deadline thats just bullshit!

Wow - just wow.

I'm a very infrequent poster ( many here have much better advise than me to give) but a full time lurker.

I'm astounded by your husbands arrogance.

Put plainly; he has told you ( knowing that you are already ' up to your limit' ) that you need to start instigating & having sex more frequently or he may feel the need for an affair.
Then he asks you for a time limit ? Of how long for you to sort yourself out ?

My god.

I would be telling him , if he needs someone to to roll over, beg & perform when he wants- it's a dog not a wife he needs.

WTF does he think you get from this ? Is he really that self important / special that his partner - sorry, wife ; needs to be putting herself through hoops to just keep him?

What a self important cock .

Then , you do as asked ( against what you want ) & initiate sex , then the next day he's shitty ?

He needs to look at himself , realise he's a lucky man already and look at ways to improve your relationship so you can both be happy and content with your life. Not expect his wife to be a walking, talking blow up doll. There for his 'needs' only.

I don't think you need to be putting the effort in to fix things - he the one busy breaking things, he needs to fix his attitude and treatment of his wife.

Very unmumsnetty hugs to you.

I can see that thinking of divorce is a huge step, and is not what you would choose for your DC, but I have to say that I find his coercing you into sex is deeply troubling. Coerced consent is a bit of an oxymoron IMO.

Please love, at least tell us you are 1) stopping having sex you do not want and 2) not going to continue act like some of sort of desperate sex worker to hold onto your husband

Come on now, you are an intelligent woman who earns a good salary. Stop demeaning yourself. If he throws a hissy fit, remind him where the door is.

Option 5. Tell your husband that sex needs to be taken off the agenda totally. You need to live without this guilt and expectation to really know what your relationship means to you.
I would suggest a period of one month when you take the time to reconnect and just talk. If he can't give the relationship that time he really is a selfish git.

Euuuch I'm so horrified: threatening you with having an affair if you don't shape up?

I would say: Have an affair because I never want to have sex with you again. You're a vile, manipulative, sexual bully. Sex is only just this side of consensual because I don't have the energy to put up a fight. This is not what sex is supposed to be like. Coerced sex is not the kind of sex I want to have. I am not your sex slave. Your sexual behaviour is a complete turn off. Now fuck off and learn some boundaries before you end up on a sex offence charge.

ive had this shit in spades. if it is not frequent enough than it is the wrong type, i'm not gagging for it, it isn't exciting enough, i'm not into role play, telling each other our fantasies, threesomes etc... I'm always left feeling like i'm the prude or frigid or not in touch with my sexuality and that is huge flaw in me. And so i try and make him happy and think well twice a week should do it or throw in the odd something but nothing is enough and this has been a 'concern of his for years. Im not sure what it would take to satisfy him?? I have no advice, just know how you feel! And i don't think it is a huge indicator of an affair necessarily just how skewed his view and sense of entitlement is. Narcissist
, only interested in his perspective an dhow it impacts him. XX

south you should leave your husband too, I am sorry

Just by staying he gets the message what he is doing is ok and it is not ok

I think there are a lot of porn hounds out there with horrible expectations.

Yeah the droit du seigneur meets porn..

In the past women were expected lie back & think of England, now they're expected to do role play & threesomes.. wifely duty has merged with prostitution..

Southfieldsmum - you're not a prude & you're perfectly in touch with your sexuality, you just don't want to do the things your selfish partner wants. The huge flaw is in him. Mahoosive flaw.

Your husband has absolutely no idea what normal sexual relationships are like. Most women would have thrown him out by now.

I'm afraid I agree that he is either having an affair or about to embark on one.

Whatever you do will be wrong, he will make sure of that.
Then when you discover the affair, or kick him out, or whatever happens, he will justify his actions by pinning the blame squarely at your feet.

I told you so will be his pathetic excuse. You weren't compatible so of course he has looked elsewhere, i mean what else could the poor little mite have done?

If you feel up to it and i sincerely hope you do, tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and start to enjoy your new life.

Blimey. No real advice as such, but just wanted to add....i've been with DH 12 yrs, married this year. We had more sex when we lived seperately! Even when we lived with parents!! We are ttc and currently average 6 times a month. hence not preggers yet we have a good sex life, we both enjoy it and we spoke recently about how we'd both like more, but its just so hard to make time! We both work full time, he leaves for work at 6.30am, i get home at 7.30pm. Fit in a bit of exercise, cooking, eating, washing up, bath and a read before bed and we just run out of time. And thats two people who ARE into it!!

What an arse. Threatening to have an affair in itself would be a deal breaker. I don't have any experience of counselling but think it would benefit him to have it pointed out that he has it pretty good. And actually he should be ashamed of himself for how he 'makes' you behave.

I'm more concerned that the OP doesn't 'have it pretty good'.

The sex she's expected to have so frequently seems to be doing nothing for her.

I'd rather a counsellor saw her on her own and asked her why she was having the type of sex she didn't enjoy, so frequently.

Oh God, what a twat! Urgh. Sorry.

My dh would think all of his birthdays had come at once if we dtd 2/3 times a week!
He sounds awful OP. A totally entitled wanker!

Another infrequent poster wanting to echo what everyone else has said.

OP I know something of what you are going through, although for us it was once sometimes twice a week and that wasn't enough. For many years I took the blame that came my way for my apparent lack of libido although we had many conversations about it the issue never got resolved. My OH suggested counselling but was reluctant thinking it would just be another opportunity for me to take the blame.

We have recently split up at his instigation and amid all the worry and angst that has caused I did have an underlying feeling of relief that I will never have to have sex with him again.

I'm sure in the years to come I will wonder why I put up with this for so long but when you are immersed in each other's family and have young children it seems like such a huge step to take.

My OH mostly sulked rather than bullying/threatening, but I do remember one memorable New Year's Eve where he berated me until 4am for not wanting to snog him in the back of a taxi.

Your not so 'D'H's behaviour is horrible and I think you will also look back one day and wonder how you did this for so long.

Good luck

I was reluctant

So, let me have a guess here..... He only shows you any affection when he wants sex eg a kiss = a bonk right? I might be completely off the mark here, but if I'm not here goes....
My Xh (note the capital) was only ever 'loving' towards me when he was 'in the mood' - no hugs if I was upset, no empathy if I was fed up (I have very upsetting memories of him watching me cry but doing nothing for instance). He checked out of our marriage long before our breakup.
Forgive me if I'm wrong. BUT if this sounds familiar, get shot of him. Really. It will only drag on and hurt you more if this is your situation.