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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sad and Fustrated, help me find a way to 'talk'...

68 replies

missusmrs · 21/10/2013 11:09

It seems my DH I have reached a crisis point. From his perspective it comes down to lack my lack of sex drive. We have sex 2/3 a week but his issue is that 1) it always instigated by him 2) 2/3 times is not enough and 3) that I’m not enthusiastic enough for it. I’m just not that into it – but I have very rarely said no, believing as I do that if I don’t use it I’ll lose it So I’m happy with 2/3 times, sometimes it’s great sometimes rubbish. We have a happy relationship otherwise and when all is good it’s great.
We have 2 boys under 5 one just started school, I returned to work full time 4 weeks ago, we have a new child-minder etc. so lots going on at the moment.
DH brought it up last Tuesday evening as something he was very concerned about, I said I would look at ways of addressing the issue. We had sex Thursday am. Friday evening he had a major strop – ignoring me and then getting angry that since our talk I hadn’t made an effort! A memorable line from that exchange was ‘this is how affairs start’. We ended with him asking for a time frame of how long I would need, I said I didn’t know a few days/a week (I still not sure what I was needing time for!). I instigated sex on Saturday . Sunday, he was grumpy all day and at one stage during the day we didn’t exchange a single word to each other in 4 hours. This morning, he’s grumpy, non-communicative and visibly sighed when I kissed him goodbye, when I said it’s not that bad surely – he said well it’s not great at the moment is it?
I have spent the weekend floundering between tears of sadness and fury, to moving on completely in my head. I don’t know where to start to fix this, I don’t even know if I should try. I always seem to be the one ‘fixing’. I am not a very good communicator- my stressed out eczema skin is a testament to my unhappiness. I’m sad to realise that if I put on my best actress hat and become all singing and dancing burlesque, sexting wife from today all will be fine BUT with a lack of understanding in my lack of drive and the reasons why and a grumpy stroppy attitude I just feel sad. A ’chat’will lead to confrontation which I always loose/get upset and take on all the blame for in the end. Im nearly at the stage of telling him to shove out there into the world and get as much as he can! I need some advice on a way to start talking about the issues and working out an options plan so any help or suggestions in terms a way to start the ball rolling, …………….whatever path it ends up taking me.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 13:58

Quelle surprise.

That deadline might be when he intends to leave or ramp up the affair.

I wouldn't talk at all to him about it. Because I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now.

I'd box clever and start investigating.

Meanwhile please stop having sex with him. When you find out what I think you'll discover, you'll be so angry with yourself that you did all that porn star thing. You'll feel a bit violated I should think.

Obviously, your main anger should be with him, so turn it to good use and be a bit smart about this.

That is of course, assuming you're not yet ready to LTB on the basis of what you know already?

BrianWont · 21/10/2013 14:00

OP, your husband is terrible. You, on the other hand, sound great.

You should be having fun sex with a lovely man, not grudge sex with this vile bully.

Your comment that 'I’m just not that into it – but I have very rarely said no, believing as I do that if I don’t use it I’ll lose it' is very revealing - I imagine he put that notion in your head?

Good sex is sex you want to have - how would you feel if you knew you never had to open your legs for this horrible man ever again? Relieved?

Guess what - you don't have to.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 14:04

Bet this bloke's a shit lover too, but that's pure speculation on my part Wink

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2013 14:08

Personally I don't think he's having an affair at the moment, but I do think he's preparing himself for one. Maybe he's seen the woman he intends to submit to his charms but probably not. I think (from extensive personal experience) that when someone is having an affair they put less pressure on their partner to have sex, because the marital sex doesn't live up to the affair sex. What they do do, however, is make the other person feel bad, to justify their own affair.

Whatever he's up to, though, he doesn't sound very nice. I wouldn't want to have sex with him. He's either bullying or complaining or whining or blaming or sulking. Who the hell would find that attractive?

Could you see yourselves living apart? Can you see how relaxed you'd be? Wouldn't life be lovely?

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2013 14:09

I think that too, Leavenheath. I was thinking of damp, groping hands.

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 14:47

You have a deadline ?

Seriously, give this massive tool the shock of his life and hand him a piece of paper when he walks in tonight with two words on it

FUCK

and

OFF

and mean it

Original poster
missusmrs · 21/10/2013 14:55

Sitting here trying to think of the next step.

  1. Go home tonight and thrash it out - tell him like or lump this is life, ta-ra if you not happy
  2. Go home tonight and thrash it out and set out new rules of engagement and suggest counselling
  3. Say and do nothing until he brings it up (I couldnt take the tension of this option and start snooping (how do I even start?)
4.??
OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 15:00

  1. this assumes you are happy with the status quo and that isn't the case

  2. this assumes he can change his inherently selfish and emotionally abusive ways and that you would want to stay with someone who thought it was ok to treat you like that in the first place. Counselling (joint) is not recommended

  3. personally I couldn't stand to look at his stupid face over the cornflakes so now you have had your lightbulb moment it would be only a matter of time before you blew. If you snoop and find nothing, it doesn't mean anythign has changed, he is still treating you like shit

  4. do what I said in my last post

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 15:02
  1. tell him you have brought the deadline forward because you have decided he isn't worth the effort. Based on the previous threats he has made you now fully expect him to go find some other mug to put up with his bullying and btw, the suitcases are in the loft.
Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 15:18

I'd like to think I'd be dumping, but I think it's easy to say if you're not in the situation and reading your posts and the bargains you've been making about sex and your responsibilities in this relationship, I think you're miles off from doing that unless you find out he's been cheating. Even then you sound so conditioned to think you're at fault, there might be a risk of you blaming yourself.

So I'm trying to be pragmatic here, while hoping there's an outside chance you're strong enough to pack his bags and dump him.

So what I think I'd do, seeing as he left in a huff this morning, is to ask for a bit of space from any discussions about your relationship and say you need to reflect on everything that's been said. Refuse to engage with any 'chats' about it and talk about anything but the two of you.

Then in your own time, start looking for clues. The phone is the obvious source, plus your desktop as he uses it. There are some good threads on here where posters have found their blokes cheating. Look them up and you might get some ideas.

Buy time, start investigating and absolutely stop having sex with him.

If he's having an affair or thinking of having one, none of your options are going to work. As I see it, there are only two; leave him or try to flush him out and then leave him.

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 15:32

Leaven, what does op then do if she doesn't find any actual evidence of cheating? He may (stretching it a bit here as he does sound exceptionally dense...) be very good at hiding stuff if he is up to anything

I would hope her lightbulb moment comes about how he is treating her right now not if he is/isn't currently shagging around

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 15:43

I'd hope that too, but I strongly doubt that will happen in the space of one first thread on Mumsnet.

I wish to fuck it wouldn't take so long for the lightbulbs to go on for some women, but I think it takes years sometimes for women to shake off that crap conditioning that they are at fault when a man makes ridiculous complaints, or says he's unhappy.

You're right she might find nothing. So at that point best to make a decision about what's in the open domain; the terrible dehumanising behaviour, the threats and the bullying.

If I hadn't seen so many bloody women only throw in the towel when they found cheating, I wouldn't be as insistent about its relevance.

It seems to me that nothing else quite like it causes the lightbulb moment.

Every little helps.

Original poster
missusmrs · 21/10/2013 15:56

ImperialBlether I can see it more and more recently BUT its not that easy is it? With 2 small kids, a mortgage etc. I also live in UK with all my family somewhere else...Of course I know its possible its just too sad and daunting to face at the moment..

Leavenheath ' strongly doubt that will happen in the space of one first thread on Mumsnet' very true. Things have been wrong for a while, writing/sharing it all is a big step at the moment...

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 16:02

What will you do if you find out he's cheating, love?

Also what are the practicals of living apart from him? Do you own your own house, do you work? How would you manage assuming he pays his whack?

Original poster
missusmrs · 21/10/2013 16:10

I have absolutely no ideas of the practicals tbh. We joint own a large house with a large mortgage and both on good salaries. Also own a smaller property in my families country. We've been married 9 years together 14 years. But the only thoughts I have had are on the effects on my ds's and the relief of heading to my home country for family support.

OP posts:
SELondonSwede · 21/10/2013 16:19

2/3 times a week!! Eeeks - really?!?!?

Dont bend over backwards (no pun intended) to "fix it". It is not your sole responsibility to fix. I would say he has it pretty good IMHO.

Original poster
missusmrs · 21/10/2013 16:21

SELondonSwede, thanks I'm taking comfort in the number of people who think this is loads, ideally he wants every day....

OP posts:
SELondonSwede · 21/10/2013 16:25

I am genuninly amazed at how you manage 2-3 times a week, I think you are a great wife, clearly this is not what the problem is - and you know this yourself.
Will respond properly at home (at work now) but I just HAD to comment.
2-3 a week!!! Havent managed that since my 20s.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 16:25

If you can afford it, can I suggest a visit to a really good family lawyer who can advise you?

I'm overjoyed you work and earn a good salary- and that you have two properties. But the more assets the more complicated the settlement sometimes. Knowledge is power in absolutely every life situation, so just like I'm advising you to get the full picture behind your husband's behaviour, do the same with your finances and how residence could work out.

You can be good co-parents separately.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 16:26

Anyway, what will you do if you find he's cheating? You didn't answer that.

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2013 16:29

I think you'll be on a wild goose chase if you are going to try to find out if he's cheating. He's not showing signs of that and I wouldn't bother.

Original poster
missusmrs · 21/10/2013 16:30

Cheating is a deal breaker, we agreed that from the very start 14 years ago.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 16:32

Blimey, I think there are loads of signs.

And I say that never having been cheated on AFAIK.

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/10/2013 16:34

How would you feel if you discovered he was cheating?

glastocat · 21/10/2013 16:54

Another one who thinks 2 or 3 times a week is absolutely loads, haven't managed that much myself in years! Your husband sounds like a complete arsehole, if I was you I'd be telling him to cock off and seeing a lawyer.

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