Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister wins lots of money but unwilling to treat anyone.

82 replies

songlark · 20/10/2013 20:44

I know its hers to do with what she wants but as her only sister I expected something off her. I know for a fact that if it had been me I would have got more joy from treating her than the actual win itself. She's not won a fortune but £150.000 is hardly peanuts either. The thing that really irks me is, throughout all our adult lives she has always been terrible with money and I've always helped her out by lending her money, never knowing when I'm getting it back, even though I didn't have much myself. I've always helped out with minding her children when she was stuck. Basically I've just always been there for her. Then the other week she phoned to say she'd won about 150 grand, I was over the moon for her but as the days went by she's telling me all the things she's going to do with the money. Now I could understand this more if she'd decided to bank the money or invest for a rainy day, but it seems like she's going to have a right good spend up. I just feel very hurt that she she has no intention of treating me, not even a night out. Am I being presumptuous in expecting my sister to treat me. Makes me wonder what anyone else would do if it were them that got such a windfall?

OP posts:
Yougotbale · 21/10/2013 14:32

That holiday she has got you for Christmas will be a nice surprise.

Anyway, don't think you can expect a treat from her. You may think it would be nice but you shouldn't judge her for it.

DropYourSword · 21/10/2013 14:38

I think it's astoundingly rude to expect her to share her money. I'd she got a new job with better pay would you expect the same.

However, she definitely should pay you back the money she owes.

shemademedoit · 21/10/2013 15:20

Definitely ask her for the money back she owes you. Also if you want some of her cash, why don't you ask her?

EngineeringExcellence · 21/10/2013 15:21

If you were my sister I would have been planning to surprise you with something amazing at Christmas or in some other way. You say she only won the money a week ago, not long to plan the surprise or to really think about what she's going to do with the money. It's one thing to say you're going to spend it on this and that, another to do it.

If I got even an inkling that you thought I "should" spend some on you I would have a serious change of heart.....

OTOH could she be making a point about the way you've always considered her to be "terrible with money"? Not so terrible now?

MrsBennetsEldest · 21/10/2013 15:30

The key word in your post Op was expect. If you didn't expect anything you wouldn't be disappointed. I hope she's planning something lovely as a surprise for you.

TheArticFunky · 21/10/2013 15:37

If my sister won this amount I would expect her to pay off her mortgage before buying gifts. YABVU.

eggyweggies · 21/10/2013 15:50

Honestly, If my siblings won that amount of cash (and it is a large amount but it's not in the realms of 'I'll-never-need-to-work-again'), I think they would either put it into their mortgages or save/invest it for their children's future university fees.

So honestly, I wouldn't expect anything and I can't see them treating the windfall as a chance to go shopping, as your sister seems to.

She sounds like a complete idiot with money and like she's been taking advantage of you for a long time. Perhaps if she'd reciprocated with childcare there would be no resentment about this on your side?

Now, if my siblings won the EuroMillions jackpot, I might expect something...but that's not at all likely to happen so there's no point worrying!

Pawprint · 21/10/2013 16:06

An uncle of mine, who is known for being rather spiteful, won very big money on the lottery. Didn't give anyone a penny. I didn't expect to get anything and obviously he had to sort his own family out etc.

However, what was a bit Hmm was that his own sister had been dumped, with seven children by her husband and she had absolutely no money. He could have helped her out but he didn't.

I'm sorry to say that he has no money left. He has a serious drink problem and can't hold a job down. I don't know where the money went but he has nothing to show for it. It's sad :(

DontMentionThePrunes · 21/10/2013 16:20

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses here about dropping hints and asking her for money.

People might feel they are struggling and that they would help others in the same situation if they could, and so be surprised and indignant that she's not doing that. You do have to weigh it up against the intrinsic dignity of sorting your own life out, though. You lose some of that dignity if you ask someone to give you some help - and double if you ask because you feel some sort of nebulous entitlement to the money just because it's a sister and not a stranger.

I don't know if I'm just an old codger compared to some of you, but I wouldn't see myself as having any claim whatsoever on that money, or any right to be sad because my sister didn't immediately fork some of it over. I would definitely be cross that she wasn't a nicer person but that's about her and not the money.

CursiveLetters · 21/10/2013 16:31

YABU - unless she owes you money. If she owes you money by all means its time to collect!

But its her money to do what she wishes with. It's not unusual for one sibling to make much more than the other. If you made £50k/year and your sister made £150k would you expect her to take you out to dinner and buy you expensive gifts? This isn't so different.

DontMentionThePrunes · 21/10/2013 16:35

Also remember cognitive dissonance:
You have helped your sister out a lot.
She now has lots of money and isn't giving you any.
The two things aren't related.
It might be that you were daft to help out someone who's not that loyal to you. It's a separate issue to what she should do with her money.

Original poster
songlark · 21/10/2013 17:13

To those who are saying YABU maybe that's because that is how you would do things. I know we're not all the same and some of us are just plain mean, and in ordinary circumstances maybe I wouldn't feel as hurt, but I'm sure you would all feel the same if you had done as much for a member of your family as I have for her. I'm not talking about a share in her money here, just a little thank you for all I've done for her.I've saved her a fortune in childcare alone. Those of you who are saying YABU I presume you don't think it's right to treat someone who has looked after you for years when your circumstances look up. I really can't understand how that is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
DontMentionThePrunes · 21/10/2013 17:16

It's not right or wrong, that's where you're getting confused.
It would be nice of her to do something nice for you after all the help you've given her. You don't have a right to it! Maybe she's just not very nice at heart? In which case you have to suck it up and say 'well, more fool me, perhaps I should concentrate on myself a bit more since I don't have her emotional support'.

DontMentionThePrunes · 21/10/2013 17:17

(I'm really quite used to this as I deal with in-laws who are pretty selfish: I could run after them, keep house for them etc all day long and get little to no recognition. In which case: I choose not to do it!)

maleview70 · 21/10/2013 18:09

£150k is not a fortune anymore.

I don't think I would give any to my sister if I won that amount.

Only my kids would benefit from that amount.

If it was £1m plus I would.

Her money, her choice.

Original poster
songlark · 21/10/2013 18:23

I certainly know I haven't a right to it and Ive never implied I have. My sister didn't have the right to have me babysitting for free but I did it. We do things for others in life whether or not it's their right or not. Someone mentioned its quite similar to maybe her earning £150k to my £50k and that I wouldn't be expecting any of that. That's totally different. When you have a money win like she did its a windfall, in other words its money that you never expected. So very different to what you earn. Like I've said before I never expected much just a little bit of a thank you for all I'vedone for her. It's not asking much is it. Basically I've just got to accept the fact that everyone's different and we really shouldn't expect others to have the same qualities as ourselves.

OP posts:
anon2013 · 21/10/2013 18:51

Does she like your DH/DP by the way?. I only ask as I hate my sisters "D" P (don't get me startedAngry ) so would genuinely think twice before giving her anything. I'd spoil my DN's though

VillandraMcTavish · 21/10/2013 18:53

You sound very muddled. Sorry to be blunt.
You say you don't expect it, but you do. That's what the thread is about!
I assume you volunteered to help your sister with childcare?!

Original poster
songlark · 21/10/2013 19:07

Villa dura, how do you mean I sound very muddled? Where have I said I don't expect it.In my last post I said I never expected much, Ive never said I didn't expect anything. What makes you assume I volunteered for childcare? No she asked me. I think it's you who maybe getting a bit muddled?

OP posts:
Original poster
songlark · 21/10/2013 19:09

Sorry I meant to say Villandra.

OP posts:
Lighthousekeeping · 21/10/2013 19:17

Has she even got it yet? I still think she will treat you at Xmas. Has she got a mortgage?

Original poster
songlark · 21/10/2013 19:32

Yes she's got it and yes she's got a mortgage but she's told me she doesn't think she's going to pay anything off it. That's what I mean she isn't going to be sensible with the money. If she was it would be different.

OP posts:
Jellyrollgumdrop · 21/10/2013 20:06

A fella who worked with her heard about it and happened to tell my hubby THEN it made the local news, though she wasn't named! Wouldn't have wanted/expected anything from her but you'd think she would have mentioned it!?

morethanpotatoprints · 21/10/2013 20:09

OP, she sounds like my sister. The money won't last long believe me and it won't change her attitude to money one bit.
She will be asking you to lend her some soon, to which your reply should be. "Sorry, I don't have the same amount as you do" or What have you done with all the money you won?

morethanpotatoprints · 21/10/2013 20:13

I can't believe anybody wouldn't think that amount a fortune, you could buy several properties for that much money, its a fortune.