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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Sister wins lots of money but unwilling to treat anyone.

82 replies

songlark · 20/10/2013 20:44

I know its hers to do with what she wants but as her only sister I expected something off her. I know for a fact that if it had been me I would have got more joy from treating her than the actual win itself. She's not won a fortune but £150.000 is hardly peanuts either. The thing that really irks me is, throughout all our adult lives she has always been terrible with money and I've always helped her out by lending her money, never knowing when I'm getting it back, even though I didn't have much myself. I've always helped out with minding her children when she was stuck. Basically I've just always been there for her. Then the other week she phoned to say she'd won about 150 grand, I was over the moon for her but as the days went by she's telling me all the things she's going to do with the money. Now I could understand this more if she'd decided to bank the money or invest for a rainy day, but it seems like she's going to have a right good spend up. I just feel very hurt that she she has no intention of treating me, not even a night out. Am I being presumptuous in expecting my sister to treat me. Makes me wonder what anyone else would do if it were them that got such a windfall?

OP posts:

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BillyBanter · 21/10/2013 20:50

I can't imagine not treating my family to something if I won £150k.

I'd love to upgrade from a flat to a house and in london that could involve using every penny of the win. But I'd not use the whole amount I'd have a little spree and treat people and use every penny of a still massive windfall.

I would feel just as aggrieved as you, No, nobody has to give anyone anything when they get this sort of windfall but I would think less of them for it for being so miserly with such a lucky win. It's not the same as annual income and even then many siblings with big incomes help out their less financially well-off siblings.

I'd bet £150k that the OP's sister would be round in a flash to see how much she could get if the OP had had this win instead.

So I judge her. I judge her with my judgy pants.

Jellyrollgumdrop · 21/10/2013 20:41

Ironic missstrawberry that we would have wished her well but never broached it as obviously were not supposed to know!!

Shenanagins · 21/10/2013 20:40

I think you have every right to feel a bit pissed off after everything you have done for her. I suppose it will make it easier to say no to her when the money is gone.

givemeaboost · 21/10/2013 20:35

morethan- in which parallel universe do live in where you can buy several properties for 150k?

MissStrawberry · 21/10/2013 20:23

Jelly, obviously she didn't mention it as she didn't want to share it.

MissStrawberry · 21/10/2013 20:22

This isn't AIBU.

I think considering all you have done for your sister it is not unreasonable to expect something. Hell, if she can't even give you a nice bunch of flowers or some special chocolates as a thank you then I certainly would not be baby sitting or lending her money again.

Whocansay · 21/10/2013 20:17

Think of it this way. If she gives you some cash, once she's spent hers (which it sounds like she will do at lightning speed) she'll only be on the phone to you asking for it back. Then you'll have another unpleasant dilemma.

Smile and nod. And ignore.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/10/2013 20:13

I can't believe anybody wouldn't think that amount a fortune, you could buy several properties for that much money, its a fortune.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/10/2013 20:09

OP, she sounds like my sister. The money won't last long believe me and it won't change her attitude to money one bit.
She will be asking you to lend her some soon, to which your reply should be. "Sorry, I don't have the same amount as you do" or What have you done with all the money you won?

Jellyrollgumdrop · 21/10/2013 20:06

A fella who worked with her heard about it and happened to tell my hubby THEN it made the local news, though she wasn't named! Wouldn't have wanted/expected anything from her but you'd think she would have mentioned it!?

songlark · 21/10/2013 19:32

Yes she's got it and yes she's got a mortgage but she's told me she doesn't think she's going to pay anything off it. That's what I mean she isn't going to be sensible with the money. If she was it would be different.

OP posts:

Lighthousekeeping · 21/10/2013 19:17

Has she even got it yet? I still think she will treat you at Xmas. Has she got a mortgage?

songlark · 21/10/2013 19:09

Sorry I meant to say Villandra.

OP posts:

songlark · 21/10/2013 19:07

Villa dura, how do you mean I sound very muddled? Where have I said I don't expect it.In my last post I said I never expected much, Ive never said I didn't expect anything. What makes you assume I volunteered for childcare? No she asked me. I think it's you who maybe getting a bit muddled?

OP posts:

VillandraMcTavish · 21/10/2013 18:53

You sound very muddled. Sorry to be blunt.
You say you don't expect it, but you do. That's what the thread is about!
I assume you volunteered to help your sister with childcare?!

anon2013 · 21/10/2013 18:51

Does she like your DH/DP by the way?. I only ask as I hate my sisters "D" P (don't get me started ) so would genuinely think twice before giving her anything. I'd spoil my DN's though

songlark · 21/10/2013 18:23

I certainly know I haven't a right to it and Ive never implied I have. My sister didn't have the right to have me babysitting for free but I did it. We do things for others in life whether or not it's their right or not. Someone mentioned its quite similar to maybe her earning £150k to my £50k and that I wouldn't be expecting any of that. That's totally different. When you have a money win like she did its a windfall, in other words its money that you never expected. So very different to what you earn. Like I've said before I never expected much just a little bit of a thank you for all I'vedone for her. It's not asking much is it. Basically I've just got to accept the fact that everyone's different and we really shouldn't expect others to have the same qualities as ourselves.

OP posts:

maleview70 · 21/10/2013 18:09

£150k is not a fortune anymore.

I don't think I would give any to my sister if I won that amount.

Only my kids would benefit from that amount.

If it was £1m plus I would.

Her money, her choice.

DontMentionThePrunes · 21/10/2013 17:17

(I'm really quite used to this as I deal with in-laws who are pretty selfish: I could run after them, keep house for them etc all day long and get little to no recognition. In which case: I choose not to do it!)

DontMentionThePrunes · 21/10/2013 17:16

It's not right or wrong, that's where you're getting confused.
It would be nice of her to do something nice for you after all the help you've given her. You don't have a right to it! Maybe she's just not very nice at heart? In which case you have to suck it up and say 'well, more fool me, perhaps I should concentrate on myself a bit more since I don't have her emotional support'.

songlark · 21/10/2013 17:13

To those who are saying YABU maybe that's because that is how you would do things. I know we're not all the same and some of us are just plain mean, and in ordinary circumstances maybe I wouldn't feel as hurt, but I'm sure you would all feel the same if you had done as much for a member of your family as I have for her. I'm not talking about a share in her money here, just a little thank you for all I've done for her.I've saved her a fortune in childcare alone. Those of you who are saying YABU I presume you don't think it's right to treat someone who has looked after you for years when your circumstances look up. I really can't understand how that is being unreasonable.

OP posts:

DontMentionThePrunes · 21/10/2013 16:35

Also remember cognitive dissonance:
You have helped your sister out a lot.
She now has lots of money and isn't giving you any.
The two things aren't related.
It might be that you were daft to help out someone who's not that loyal to you. It's a separate issue to what she should do with her money.

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CursiveLetters · 21/10/2013 16:31

YABU - unless she owes you money. If she owes you money by all means its time to collect!

But its her money to do what she wishes with. It's not unusual for one sibling to make much more than the other. If you made £50k/year and your sister made £150k would you expect her to take you out to dinner and buy you expensive gifts? This isn't so different.

DontMentionThePrunes · 21/10/2013 16:20

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses here about dropping hints and asking her for money.

People might feel they are struggling and that they would help others in the same situation if they could, and so be surprised and indignant that she's not doing that. You do have to weigh it up against the intrinsic dignity of sorting your own life out, though. You lose some of that dignity if you ask someone to give you some help - and double if you ask because you feel some sort of nebulous entitlement to the money just because it's a sister and not a stranger.

I don't know if I'm just an old codger compared to some of you, but I wouldn't see myself as having any claim whatsoever on that money, or any right to be sad because my sister didn't immediately fork some of it over. I would definitely be cross that she wasn't a nicer person but that's about her and not the money.

Pawprint · 21/10/2013 16:06

An uncle of mine, who is known for being rather spiteful, won very big money on the lottery. Didn't give anyone a penny. I didn't expect to get anything and obviously he had to sort his own family out etc.

However, what was a bit was that his own sister had been dumped, with seven children by her husband and she had absolutely no money. He could have helped her out but he didn't.

I'm sorry to say that he has no money left. He has a serious drink problem and can't hold a job down. I don't know where the money went but he has nothing to show for it. It's sad :(

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