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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why does she always call me fat?

58 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 20/10/2013 20:43

I love my mother but she and my dad have always called me fat. I have been anywhere from 10 to 14 stone and I am always too fat.

She is staying with us for a couple of nights and I stupidly let my guard down and whilst looking at Hello said 'oh look at Andy Mc Dowell and her daughter, we should be like that'

She with out a breath said well I don't know where you got you genetics from as me and your father are both very skinny.

This happens a lot. I am a successful person with a lovely family and in a few words she makes me feel like shit.

Just another wedge I suppose, another little bitter comment to alienate me even further.

But why does she do it?

BTW she is a tiny size 6 I suppose and I am a 16-18. Sad and Angry

OP posts:
PartyFops · 20/10/2013 20:49

Just say "yes I am glad I don't have your nasty gene too!" Silly mare. Brush it off, that's just how she is, feel sorry for her for being so small minded.

kalidanger · 20/10/2013 20:49

She does it because she's a cow x

I expect she says other varieties of crap too Sad You looked at the Stately Homes thread?

MolotovCocktail · 20/10/2013 20:52

Oh, thats awful Sad Your post made me feel really sad; a mother shouldn't say those things to her child Sad

Have you ever asked her why she doesit or told her how deeply awful the comments make you feel?

I think her harsh criticism might stem from a good place: thinness/slimness equates to 'success' in our image-driven culture. Maybe she thinks a slimmer you would equal a better you, somehow?

Whatever the reason, it needs to stop. You need to tell her how hurtful it is and that you are her daughter and she should accept you in any form.

How she speaks to you is not okay and she needs to know this very, very clearly.

Chewbecca · 20/10/2013 20:55

Oh I can't tell you why but I can tell you that you are not alone!
I love my mum dearly but barely a visit goes by without a comment of some sort, whether it be as outright as my bum looks big in whatever I am wearing or her hairdresser's latest successful diet (why don't you try), comments about the food we eat etc etc etc.
I have made it extremely clear that I don't want to hear it but to no avail. It makes my blood really boil and it makes me want to get really really really fat for some reason.
I'd love to cut her out when she does it but I know I'd miss her.
No advice as I have failed to improve my acid tongued mum but will keep watching.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/10/2013 20:57

I think people behave this way because they are shallow, insecure, jealous and just plain nasty. They have nothing going for them, are defined solely by the number on the scales and judge everyone else by their own narrow-minded standards. You're successful and happy and she can't stand it. Coming from a mother it's emotional bullying. Hope you tell her to fuck off.

Beamur · 20/10/2013 20:58

Weight obviously matters to her, far more than it should. I suspect your mum has never considered how it feels to be on the receiving end of these comments.

MolotovCocktail · 20/10/2013 20:58

How is your dm towards you other than this? Is she otherwise loving? Affectionate? Does she 'talk you up' in other ways?

Pagwatch · 20/10/2013 21:00

There is no excuse. She is doing it because she isn't very nice to you and now it's a habit.

Could you ever get the strength to say 'that is such an incredibly nasty thing to say mum. Why would you say that ? What do you what me to do with that'

Bunbaker · 20/10/2013 21:00

It isn't nice to tell someone they are fat. Do you think you are fat?

Walkacrossthesand · 20/10/2013 21:08

Is your dad skinny? Or just normal build and your mum is one of these miserable skinny women obsessed with thin-ness and living on not-quite-enough food all the time? Not quite an eating disorder (because people with ED tend not to be judgemental of others) but a control thing.

FetchezLaVache · 20/10/2013 21:25

I think a well-timed "Did you mean to be so rude?" might not go amiss here.

Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 20/10/2013 21:47

I only think I am fat because I have been told over and over that I am. My lovely DH tells me how beautiful I am, but I have always felt fat due to my parents.

My Dad is skinny too, about 8 stone and has been for years. They are both really anorexic tbh.

My sister feels the same and the other week when she visited said how much she hates how our mother makes us feel. Always a comment about how big you are all the time. They go swimming together and my sister says she hates it as she has to get undressed and mum always makes some comment about her size

We are 42 and 58 and for ever has our mother made us feel like this.

I would so love to say 'do you realise how hateful and unkind your comments are', but I only see her every few months or so and TBH I think that she would be Shock. I have said to my sister that I wish they would accept us for who we are and not our size but I just can't do it.

In every other respect she is kind and loving, but when it comes to weight she is awful.

btw my sister is about a size 14.

Oh and she said my tomatoes were sour! My lovely green house tomatoes! My Dad prior to Alzheimers could not let a visit pass without some comment about how we didn't make our own jam, or that our tomatoes weren't as good as theirs.

In fact after typing all that do you know what? I partly loathe them both

OP posts:
Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 20/10/2013 21:47

ohhh sorry, 42 years of bile came out there......!

OP posts:
GeekLove · 20/10/2013 22:07

funny This is a place to let the bile out!
My gran used to have a pop at me as although I have never been fat I am rather chunky in that I am built for power not grace IYSWIM.
Wilful misinterpretation is what I did as the aim was to annoy her more than it annoyed me.
So when she said I was a bit hippy I said 'no I'm a goth'. Or when she commented on my big arms I would say thank you and give a brief gun show.
I'm not sure how well it works but it might put her on the back foot. She might be your mother but would you let a random person speak like that to you!

ivykaty44 · 20/10/2013 22:12

partyfops is right

I know I didn't get my kind gene form you thats for certain
I know i missed out on the nasty/snidey comments gene you have thank goodness

MolotovCocktail · 20/10/2013 22:12

Jardin, its fine to vent here but despite how Shock you think your dm would be irl, you need to say something. You and your sister ans being hurt by this but it seems like you're taking the easy route by choosing not to confront her.

Your dm is hyper critical toward you and your dsis and I suspect the reason for this lies within her - your body shapes/sizes are not the issue. Her attitude towards her dds is and it sounds like its spoiling otherwise good relationship. (I think there's more to this than you're able to put into words right now, if I'm completely honest).

Maybe discuss how to approach this with your dsis as a starting point, if you wanted to go that way?

Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 20/10/2013 22:24

do you know Molotov I think I will speak to my sister when she next visits. There really isn't much more to this though. My parents are controlling and I can't spend much time with them tbh, but beyond that we are fine. Not close IFSWIM, but do love one another.

I have another sister who has got nice and skinny and does what she can to please our parents. She is also a suicidal manic depressive which tells me something about the way she deals with them.

I think between us me and older sister will have to pull her up on it.

And Geek you are right. I said to DH tonight that I would never allow another person to speak to me like that, so why do I key my mother?

OP posts:
Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 20/10/2013 22:25

let

OP posts:
NameChange70 · 21/10/2013 00:43

My mum does this. I'm pretty sure I was borderline eating disorder/big issues when I was younger. She does it about everyone, my siblings, the grand kids. I never get drawn in and I never confront her about it. If I did I'm pretty sure I would bop get with a saucepan lol but more seriously, would struggle to speak to her again. The silly mare has no idea how much damage she had done.

ALittleBitOfHalloweenMagic · 21/10/2013 01:00

I could have written this thread . I used to be a 10-12 (and thought I was fatShockShock) and now I'm a 16-18 and both my parents are constantly on my back about losing weight . I think I just keep eating to piss them off . That's what i tell myself anywayGrin

I've tried every diet in the book and every exercise regime going and I just never seem to lose it . Once I accepted the fact I was just meant to be fat their comments don't bother me anymore . When they say things like "why are you eating that I thought you were in a diet?" I just say "well I'm not" because that is the truth . Envy

scurryfunge · 21/10/2013 01:16

My mum is like this. I'm bigger than I used to be but still a size 12. I get the comments about how my new glasses make me look fat, ffs. I cannot compete and realise the issue is my mother and not me.

MistressDeeCee · 21/10/2013 03:34

Some mums are like this with daughters. At times they have regret issues from the past which are nothing to do with you, Sometimes there's a jealousy of your youth tied in there 'you're young with your life ahead of you whilst Im getting older/cant change stuff' kind of thing. You have to develop a thick skin, or have a lighthearted comeback..or, just pull her up on every single comment immediately, until she stops. DM or not, at times you have to start avoiding people who are negative about you.

My DM has different tactics she uses to criticise. When it became about my & DSis weight - we're both a size 14 - we just shut down every single comment she made about it. We're quite forceful about that, esp as we also have daughters and dont want them hearing any crap that could give them weight issues. She soon stopped. & if she changes to another criticism tactic we will shut that down too. Sometimes its just the only way.

Bunbaker · 21/10/2013 06:51

You don't think that any of this might be that they are concerned about your health?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2013 07:00

No Bunbaker, this is never ever done out of concern for their now adult child's health. Such women like Funnys mother are often both diet and body obsessed.

They do this too because they are both controlling and controlling behaviour like this is emotionally abusive.

It is NOT your fault Fanny they are like this, their own birth families did that damage to them in their own childhoods. Women like your mother as well always need a willing enabler to help them, this she found in your Dad.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/10/2013 07:03

No, she bloody doesn't, and nor should she. It is so clearly not about health. If it were, wouldn't the mother give some tiny clue like saying, oh, at random, "I'm worried about your health"?

Anyway 16-18 isn't dangerously obese, unless the OP is about 4' tall.