I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

[youvegotmail]

Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

OP please do not be put off, the majority of posters on here support you and want to help.

Maybe you could read through the thread again and PM to some of the supportive ones, I am sure no on would mind.

Typing on my phone so please excuse errors. I was emotional last night and a little drunk. Coming on to that mocking post from CFD completely put me off posting. Thank you so much for the PMs.

I am shocked that AF - someone whose advice I respect more than any online poster I've ever met - has been banned. Her posts on this thread were 100% sensible as far as I'm concerned, and I can't believe she is gone while CFD is still here.

OP - your thread has been caught up in the middle of a massive row overnight which has resulted in a poster in this thread being banned - hence the comments

Can I suggest that you start another thread and perhaps link to this one so that you can get some real advice and not have people distracted on here by the removal of AF or by rereading the shite posted by CFD? That way you stand a chance of getting the perspective and support that we all know MN can give when you need it.

There is one distinctive tone (not one user name though) which is consistently sarcastic over a number of threads about those who take the view that cheating is wrong

Criticising those who hold different views (here by calling them "guillotine knitters") is - in football parlance - a sign of playing the man not the ball, andthat (despite its MN popularity on Gove threads) is typically a sign of weak argument.

My DH has always formed 'friendships' with attractive females at work, it is always attractive, younger females and he is the advisor figure, support, paternal type of thing. He has had 'normal' friendships with the more feisty, fun females too. In the days when there were secretaries he always became friends with them, more than his colleagues did imo.

Only once did he form a friendship as intense as described by the OP's. Which did form ructions at home, we were on a foreign family holiday and he was spending hours emailing her - areshole. I decided afterwards that it was because I was back at work after being SAHM for 15 years and, with 3 teenage dcs, he was sorry for himself as not getting enough of my attention!!

I think the 'friendships' were an ego boost for him, he is very emotionally reserved and maybe he liked the attention. Older now the few female admin staff are younger than his daughter so doesn't happen any more. And now DCs are left home and I am free I would tell him to clear off if he decided to simper and flirt with someone.

Youvegotmail, I'm thinking of you x

Because posters are normally given warnings before they're banned.

And now DCs are left home and I am free I would tell him to clear off if he decided to simper and flirt with someone

Ooops. bit of an exaggeration there, what I meant was that when I had DCs I felt responsible for their happiness therefore rows, threats, arguments over friendships with others would have affected and possibly distressed them, so didn't happen. Now they've left home I would be more open about my views.

all this hysteria over one post, seriously this thread has hundered and hundreds of posts and people are getting het up over one post.

Get a grip.

youvegotmail I hope you can at least PM some of the more helpful posters on this thread. Mind yourself and I hope things get resolved for you soon

Youvegotmail, hope you're ok this morning.

You'veGotMail- you've got mail :)

Well, a PM .

Getting back to the original post... I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea for you to have her over to dinner.

Don't get me wrong: I think your DH's behaviour is out of line. In our society, we sometimes divide behaviour too much along the lines of sex: so sleeping with someone else is not OK, but having a very intense emotional closeness to someone is fine. I think that's a bunch of bull! A really intense emotional relationship can be every bit as damaging to some marriages as a sexual affair. (However, to stress: I do think men and women can be friends. I just don't think that the kind of very intense friendship that you describe is OK. And also, there are some marriages where an intense friendship of this kind is actually welcomed. It depends on the couple).

However, I do think getting to know her will give you two new options. Firstly, and most optimistically (!) she may eventually become a friend of both of you, which will recalibrate the behaviour so that you are two close couples. Sounds implausible, I know, but I have seen it happen!

Secondly, if she is a decent sort it may be the beginnings of a relationship where you can say to her that you feel sad and uncomfortable about the relationship, even though you know that there is nothing sexual going on. She may be shocked, angry, or upset at the idea, but it might be enough to make her think that she's actually hurting someone else with this 'innocent' friendship. Sometimes appealing to someone's better nature in a quiet, calm way can be very effective.

Thirdly, if neither of the above work, it gives you ammo to say to your partner that you really tried - and it gives you that knowledge too. I speak as someone whose ex partner (it ended five years ago) had an emotional affair, which he denied and denied and denied. A month ago, he sent me an email saying he now understood how much it had hurt me, and how much damage it had done, and was sorry!

I have since got married and am blissfully happy with a new partner who does not act in the same way! :)

So I have finally found this thread...

OP if you are still there, how sad that your post has been derailed like this.
I hope you feel able to return, perhaps on a new thread.

This confirms exactly what I thought about AF's ban. I posted a comment about the ban on this thread.

MNHQ I think you seriously need to re-examine what you have done, and more importantly, why.

for christs sake it's a 7 day suspension.. AF was expecting it. She hasn't been banned.

It's not just about AF though. I posted my comment on this thread in case AF is still following it. Who rattled your cage?

OP, like others am sorry your thread was derailed, things have been odd on MN recently, but if you want it, thoughts and support are still available.

youvegotmail I was thinking about your situation and how much the responses are divided on whether or not it is anything to be worried about. It's unusual to see such a divided thread I think.

Anyway, I think there is really very little chance of this developing in to an affair for lots of reasons - both your husband and his friend are happily married etc and your DH is being open, honest and sincere in what he says (I believe!) but are you worried that he will fall in love with her? The damage from that is at least as much as a physical affair and much harder to protect yourself against.

If that is how you feel - can you say that explicitly to your DH. I think it is a powerful thing to challenge your husband with and much harder to shrug off with a throwaway 'I'm not going to fall over and stab her with my c*ck' or whatever similar thing he said.

Hope you're feeling ok

But it is illuminating.

On this thread, CFD has not really broken any rules. She has been outright nasty, mocking, insinuating things about op, but she has not broken any rules. The rules dont say "dont bully posters", presumably because the people who made the guidelines were reasonable adults who did not think it necessary to spell it out.

Is there a fine line between being helpful and supportive, and being sarcastic and condescending? No, not really. They are poles apart, and therefore easy to spot. The first is helpful, the other makes you feel bad, and doubt yourself. And that is not what mumsnet is for. It may not break any specific rules, but it against the spirit of the forum. And that should hanging over us like a Prime Directive.

Looking at how CFD has posted on this thread, it reminds me very much of the mentality of the "cool girls in high school" and how they got away with bullying other students. They did not swear, they did not call names, it was all in how they phrased it, and how they presented, or misrepresented the op.

CFD has not broken rules outright, she has broken the Prime Directive.

While I like and respect AF, and have no clue who CFD is, this is not really in support of AF per se.

It is the principle. It could be between CitronellaCandleStorm and MacundoRainfal (and nobody would have noticed)l. It could be anybody. It is still wrong.

But, the fact that AF got suspended, and the outcry, it has made people stop and think about the issue, and trolling, and dis-ingenuity in general, and that is a good thing.

Having said all that, youvegotmail - I have been thinking about you and how it panned out. Please dont let this stop you from posting for support. There are hundreds of sympathetic and wise posters here who can help you work through this.

no cage rattling here olga.. a load of threads hashing it out.. popping up on many random threads tweaked my earlobe.

It's out of my system now :)

Well put Quint.

Maybe the OP should start a new thread, away from the issues around CFD & AF?

I hope things are ok OP. x