How do I stop being the butt of my family's jokes without looking like I've got no sense of humour?

[AutumnLeafMyArse]

I'm going out tonight for a family meal and for once I don't want all the humour to revolve around making fun of me. As gentle as the humour is, over the years I've realised when we all get together I tend to feel a bit ganged up upon (I'm the youngest, not sure if that's relevant). I don't mind a joke, honestly, but it's a regular pattern I've got fed up of laughing off. I don't want to spoil the occasion and certainly don't want to upset the birthday person, so any pointers on how I can politely stop any "joking" before they all get on a roll?

I would definetely agree with Attila that you take a look at the 'Stately Homes' thread here. If you feel it relates to your situation (you may not initially want to believe it does but your families treatment of you when you fell is TERRIBLE and making you the butt of their jokes is classic scapegoating) the Susan Forward 'Toxic Parents' book may be an eye opener on how dysfunctional families operate. Both have helped me enormously see what's going on in my family, I got to my 40's before I realised my 'lovely' family were in reality far from it and they may help you too.

Moomin, what would happen if you confronted your sister and said, "Why are you making out I'm a failure? My relationship's better than yours, I've got more money than you and I'm happier than you. In what way am I a hopeless case?"

I have an uncle by marriage who thinks its hilarious to laugh at me, my accent, pretty much anything I say or do. He is a twunt. The rest of the family react " ooh, uncle, don't" giggle giggle.

I had enough one day, so when he did it again at dinner and everyone laughed and looked at me, i fixed him with a very hard stare that travelled round the table and said loudly " was that supposed to be funny? Because its not" and carried on eating.

There was an awkward silence, and he said I had no sense of humour. I said " well, if you think its funny and I am not laughing, its not funny. Please stop"

He always has to pick on someone. I think everyone was always relieved it wasn't them.

But your brothers- is it just a way of making you feel part of the family? Joshing with you? Can you tell them pre dinner or will they just ramp it up?

I'd like to think my brothers are just joshing and l try and give as good as I get, but I'm not as quick as them.

Right, I'm off out soon so wish me luck

Urgh I so feel for you OP. I am the youngest too. I didnt used to have very good generally knowledge/common sense (better now, and am a lawyer!) but my family still make out like I am at best ditzy and at worst stupid . It's rubbish.

I tend to ignore bad behaviour, but grin and bear the times in general and rant to DP at home!

Luck!

I think I would give as good as I get . Or not go.

Oh I can empathise with you and many others on here!

I was a shy, bullied teenager and even now I have a reasonably good social life, lots of friends, if I mention going out or something I get, "Oh, GOOD. That's GOOD to hear you are having fun." It's kindly meant, but incredibly annoying. (I am 33 by the way!) Plus, even as a geeky teenager, I had friends. It's just their perception of me though and I hate it, but it's wrong.

I had a group of friends who used to do the "make Moon the butt of the joke" thing and you do HAVE to say something. It's hard though as it isn't always clear when it goes from genuinely gentle banter to something upsetting - that line gets crossed at some point but often it's only when you've gone away and analysed the conversation you realise exactly when that line was crossed!

I used to get this from my DF and DB every time I went home. I would always end up in tears. They said it was just teasing. I asked my Adam to stop them and she said it's just teasing, don't rise to it etc. it would always start off funny but somehow I would always end up in tears. One time I said to my Dad that I just would not come home any more. He couldn't understand why not. I told him by the time it ended in me in tears I was no longer having any fun and each time I came home I ended up in tears. Why would I make the effort to come home only to end in tears. He begged me to let him take me out to dinner and apologised to me. Although I still get teased it has never been to the same extent and that was 22 years ago.

Hope tonight is good.

Op, I hope its just joshing- a way of showing in a very inappropriate way they like you. My dd already teases her db about his love for rabbits by saying in restaurants " is rabbit on the menu?" Which always gets a rise.

We tell her not to, but she looks at the menu, looks at him and just makes a rabbit face- and he gets upset.

If they love you and support you, which you could test by saying quietly, I could do with a coffee in the week with you, just a chat, and building a different adult relationship, that might help, rather than the family one which reminds everyone of dinner at home when young. A reason probably why Christmas is often fraught, in some families!

Actually I would be really tempted to - in the words of Mr Furious - 'go Pompeii on their ass'.

Or if I didn't just shout a lot it's likely I would forget all my ethics and unleash my acerbic inner bitch/commentator, and throw them a few choice home truths that really stick the knife in and make them realise what it's like.

If I managed to retain all my inner poise and not do any of this I would simply tell them that their jokes have reached such a pitch that they hurt every time, and that if they continue I won't be accepting many invitations out with them in the future.

Luck too!

My Adam? Not sure who he is but I meant my DM!

My family did this until I began to give as good as I got. They were and I was and am a bit sharp with my humour...a bit on the mean side...but I HAD to in order to teach them a lesson. If they seemed pissed off I would say "Ah you can give it but not take it eh?" and they wised up. I'm also the youngest.

MoominMamasHandbag - I have a similar issue with my mum and sister, except that they aren't bitchy (and I think they would be horrified to know how excluded I feel when with them) - instead they have this sort- of superiority that comes from both liking the Guardian cryptic crossword, cryptic quizzes (like the King William quiz each Christmas), and sharing an interest in Neolithic history and cricket.

I went on holiday with the two of them, and was ready to murder dsis by the end of the first day, and by the end of day 2 dh was looking at options for flights to get me home early. I stuck it out, but it sent me back into the black pit of depression and I am only just clawing my way back out.

Individually I get on really well with both of them, but with both of them together, I felt utterly excluded, stupid, and powerless. They didn't do it on purpose, and it won't ever tell them, because they would be so hurt - but just thinking about it all is making me feel weepy - sorry.

I feel exactly like that with one of my sisters and my mum, SDT. Not sure whether it's entirely accidental on my sister's part. I try not to be in a room with just them now and certainly wouldn't go away with them. The depression that hits is awful, isn't it? I feel a sense of worthlessness when it happens that I never feel at any other time.

They sound thoroughly unpleasant and dressing up their bullying as a joke is cowardly and says more about their insecurities then it says about you as an individual.

Try picturing your child in your place, I suspect that you wouldn't be laughing it off and would've probably dished out a few choice words by now.

Stop feeling responsible for them poisoning the atmosphere, you have every right to be upset at their behaviour. Every time you laugh it off and fail to call them on their bullying you give the impression that their behaviour is acceptable, it isn't and they should be the ones to be embarrassed.

'Oh dear family, is this really the extent of your humour, to continually mock me forever? Surely you have seen other interesting things in the last year or two to laugh about? Not been to a play, watched a comedy programme, seen someone slip on a banana skin, had a laugh in the pub at all? Really? I am the most hilarious person that you have had the misfortune to encounter since we last met? Baffling'.

I imagine it makes you feel uncomfortable to give it back but if you can think up some choice retorts before you go they're worth giving out. What other sorts of things might they say?

I have some friends who often end up telling us how great they are professionally and financially etc. they also question a lot about my family etc it's very draining But I've found it liberating to take the piss out of them occasionally! Do it! Before seeing them (less and less often) the fear of being belittled can sometimes grow a bit out of proportion too, hopefully there's some of that going on in your mind and the reality will be fine.

Reading with interest. When I was growing up we all had family "jokes" about one another which were affectionate on the face of it, I suppose, but now I think about it they were all about exploiting one another's weaknesses or flaws.

One in particular that sticks with me was when I was around 12-13: I was infatuated with a teacher and mentioned him to my parents on a few occasions. When I told them I'd dreamed about him one night (fairly innocent dream) they started teasing me about having a crush on him. It got so that I couldn't talk about him at all without being teased. One April Fools' day they got my sister to call me down to the phone, claiming it was him. It was just a dial tone, and all three of them stood there laughing at me.

The thing was, he was a paedophile and we were already speaking on the phone by that time (which is why I fell for it). It progressed to trips out together, just me and him. I didn't tell my parents, because I thought if I told them they'd just laugh at me. Nothing happened - he was very cautious, although there were several episodes which in hindsight were definitely him "testing the water", as it were.

I know none of this is my parents' fault, but still. Just venting I suppose - sorry for the massive hijack.

The problem with laughing it off is that they think they are funny, they think its all fun and games and either pretend that they don't know it hurts you, or (if they aren't very perceptive) don't know it hurts you.

I think that you need to be open, and say "that hurts" or "I don't find that funny", "stop it (with your serious face on)".

If this is countered with "But it is funny" or "you have no sense of humour" then you need to tell them that its only a joke if everyone finds it funny and you don't. The only people who carry on teasing when someone said it hurts are bullies.

The benefit of telling someone that their teasing is hurtful is that if they are decent then they'll be appalled that they have hurt you and apologise and watch what they say.

The downside is that you might find that they fully intended to hurt you. But at least you'd know and could limit time spent in their company.

Sometimes we feel so much that we want to "be cool" or "be part of things" that we put up with crap treatment that we shouldn't. So what if they think you have no sense of humour, you think their sense of humour is cruel and mean-spirited, feel free to tell them so. You are a grown up who can choose her own company if they decide you are no fun because you won't put up with being the butt of all their mean jokes.

Hope it went well.

Look them straight in the eye and say:

That's not fucking funny.

I'd have been shocked at the trip joke.
Maybe reply something along the lines of would they still laugh if I lost the baby.

For less serious stuff you may need to start thinking of sharp replies, in "jest".
Even if you just reply "Is that the best you can come up with?"

Or, in a patronising way
I hope you feel better about yourself now

Or

Did you mean to be so rude/thoughtless/crass/stupid?

Imperial
My sister's ex used to beat her, my DP is lovely. I went to Uni and have am financially secure, she works part time for minimum wage. My kids are great......I could go on.
Basically I suppose I don't want to rub her nose in it so I put up with the crap. But it is annoying.