How do I stop being the butt of my family's jokes without looking like I've got no sense of humour?

[AutumnLeafMyArse]

I'm going out tonight for a family meal and for once I don't want all the humour to revolve around making fun of me. As gentle as the humour is, over the years I've realised when we all get together I tend to feel a bit ganged up upon (I'm the youngest, not sure if that's relevant). I don't mind a joke, honestly, but it's a regular pattern I've got fed up of laughing off. I don't want to spoil the occasion and certainly don't want to upset the birthday person, so any pointers on how I can politely stop any "joking" before they all get on a roll?

Is there going to be anyone there who will back you up?

my mother has been known to drag up how my brother cocked up his paper round when he was 13... he's 53 now!

Sometimes people need encouragement to move on.

I could have posted this. I'm the youngest in the family (30 years old now) and I feel like I'm there for them to mock. But they are a loving, supportive family and it's really gentle ribbing so the times when I've tried to stand up for myself or asked them to stop it's made it worse. Like "oh you're soooo serious". I've found that even if I sit there and say nothing it still happens. The more family the worse it gets. Frustrating and sometimes upsetting.

I'd say something like "Oh god, not this same tired old shit again? [rolleyes]" but probably only to a 'friend' who enjoyed being mean/teasing, I'd be too intimidated if I was in your position with your actual family doing it for years and years

Do you have to see them quite so often?

Sometimes though it is a bit funny, but usually at my expense. I think when some of you have said it's habit, that rings so true, and also about it being banter. I think it's gone on for long enough though. I'm a grown woman FFS.

Coffee that's EXACTLY it! Just how it is.

Sorry Imperial, you've asked before and I've not answered. No, I'm going on my own.

This is just awful. I can't believe what happened when you tripped when you pregnant - did no-one come and help you up and check you were ok?

Once it starts and they all pile in, could you just stand up and say goodnight you are not prepared to listen to their nasty spiteful teasing anymore and just leave? What have you got to lose?

Indeed but they do not at heart care about you and your hurt feelings as a result of their so called "banter". I would call their treatment of you scapegoating.

"Have a nice trip"

That's cruel. Horrible. Not normal

How about "do we really not have anything else to Talk about?" if someone teases/comments

perhaps go armed with a few questions so you lead the convo more so less chance for this stuff?

When they start, look unsmilingly round the table and say, "It's only a joke if everyone is laughing". And if they say, "It's only a joke, don't be so sensitive", reply, "It doesn't feel like a joke from my point of view - frankly, it never does. Anyhow, let's talk about something else now" - and have a new topic ready.

No Chottie, I had to pick myself up (I honestly thought I'd snapped my baby in half, I squashed my bump so much), felt incredibly embarrassed as the whole pub had seen it, and then that was the first thing that was said to me.

Being accused of having no sense of humour is what bullies do.

Sorry - accusing people of having not sense of humour is what bullies do

SDTG has it spot on.

I would have burst into tears, Autumn, if I'd fallen when I was pregnant and someone made a joke of it.

I had a similar situation at my mum's where I told her something that had happened when my daughter was little which would have resulted in my death and she laughed like it was the funniest thing she'd heard.

Autumn I am lost for words, that is just awful, you must have been really shaken up. It will take time to change their behaviour and also for you to re-establish a new place in the family. Please be strong and don't let them bully you. You don't have to be the butt of their 'humour' any longer.

They are not lovely. I'd have told them to shut the fuck up or we don't meet until they learn not to act like a twat.

Have you ever read Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes? During therapy, Rachel's friend is told that it must have been nice to have had Rachel failing at everything, because it made her seem so much more capable. I wonder whether something like this is going on in your family.

I have no advice to offer, sorry, but I am in the same boat. Youngest in the family, and very much feel as though I am the family joke; the butt of the apparent 'banter', with very little directed at other family members, and constantly talked over during serious conversations, as though I cannot have anything to say that would be worth their listening to. My only way of dealing with it has been to just keep ignoring them, but this really doesn't work, and I often reach the end of family get togethers feeling extremely angry or depressed.

I will follow this thread to see if I can pick up any pointers for how to deal with the arrogant fuckers. Love 'em really...

I hate any kind of confrontation and always do whatever it takes to avoid conflict and awkwardness. However, on this occasion I think I would have to make an exception, as it sounds awful for you.

Is it a large group tonight or just a few of you? I would be inclined to sit down at the start of the evening and say, completely seriously, "right, let's see if we can get through an entire evening without anyone teasing me or making a joke at my expense.". If anyone laughs, then say "no, I really mean it. Right, anyone want a drink, what's everyone having as a starter", and then just carry on and act normally.

There will be either 8 or 9 people tonight so not a huge gathering.

OP

There's a book I'd recommend called "A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You". It's quite old, but a good assertiveness guide. I think it can be extremely hard to be assertive with family - I'm getting there ...

Maybe you need to start declining get togethers and explain why - that you find their constant mockery belittling and depressing. Make it clear to them that if they want to see you then they have to treat you decently.
When I see my Mum we get on fine. When I see my sister we get on fine. But when I see them both together I feel like the bullied girl in the playground. My sister suddenly becomes this massive bitch, and my Mum sort of joins in.
They make out I am some kind of hopeless case, when in reality my life is more successful in every way; relationships, finances, kids, everything.