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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you think/do if your partner told you...

21 replies

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 19/10/2013 10:12

...That because of your behaviour (being a jealous person) he doesnt love you as much now as he used to?

OP posts:

payhisdebt · 19/10/2013 10:13

need more info. Are you a jealous person? If so How does it manifest itself?

Original poster

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 19/10/2013 10:22

Not sure as its not me in the situation, my best friends partner said this to her, i know she's insecure and had low self esteem and they seem to live in each others pockets, i get the impression she's clingy and controlling with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 19/10/2013 10:24

I dont think he should have said that to somebody who is already insecure and think he is partly to blame for her being insecure (he cheated early on, was textin other people behind her back etc)

I think she should LTB but dont want to say that to her

OP posts:

Leverette · 19/10/2013 10:25

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ImperialBlether · 19/10/2013 10:25

I can understand someone being put off their partner if they are clingy, but sometimes that person is causing the problem. It's hard to judge without knowing them. What's he like? Does he give her cause to be jealous?

Leverette · 19/10/2013 10:26

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Original poster

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 19/10/2013 10:36

He is extremely outgoing and over friendly, a bit too try hard iyswim? whereas she is quiet and practically hides behind him.

OP posts:

Lweji · 19/10/2013 10:40

She clearly doesn't trust him, with good reason.
He is trying to get out of it with emotional blackmail.

He doesn't love her enough, full stop. Otherwise he wouldn't have cheated.

She should definitely LTB.

Hopefully they don't have children yet, and she'll dig herself a huge hole if she continues with this relationship.

CailinDana · 19/10/2013 11:37

He's not trustworthy, she's clingy. Sounds like a waste of time to me.

AcidNails · 19/10/2013 11:49

Hmmm as much as he sounds a bit of a dick with regards the cheating, I have to say if my DH was very jealous / controlling / clingy, I wouldn't love him as much, nor find him attractive tbh.

Sounds like they'd be better off calling it a day.

Twinklestein · 19/10/2013 11:56

Cheating & texting other people would make anyone insecure.

He's blaming her for a situation that he is partly responsible for.

She may be very clingy anyway, but she can't not be with a guy who behaves like that.

StandingInLine · 19/10/2013 12:02

My best friend is very insecure when it comes to her husband, to the extent she won't let him take a job where he'll have to mix with other females (probably about 90% of jobs nowadays). I know he loves her but gets him down being constantly checked up on and having her fly of the handle when he so much as mentions the opposite sex. I know if they split, that'll be the reason.
However, saying that to someone when their actions are the reason they're like that is a bit crap. He'd probably be moaning that she didn't care if she was the opposite and showed no jealousy whatsoever.

RevelsRoulette · 19/10/2013 12:37

Sounds like she is what he has made her!

If he'd never given cause for insecurity, then I'd say it's her problem. But when you shit all over someone, you can't blame them for being afraid that you're going to do it again.

Perhaps the best thing she could do for herself would be to leave.

cluecu · 19/10/2013 15:49

How long ago was his dodgy behaviour and has he tried hsrd to make amends? At least hes been honest about his feelings now but it sounds like an unhealthy relationship and one that has probably been damaged irreparably already

BasilBabyEater · 19/10/2013 16:07

So he cheated on her and then blames her for being insecure?

I'd think he was a nob, since you ask.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/10/2013 19:13

I think it's classic emotional bullying. He's exploiting her insecurity, making it worse with his behaviour and then using it as a stick to beat her with. 'l wouldn't treat you like shit if you weren't so clingy'.... is a pretty nasty argument.

AnandaTimeIn · 19/10/2013 20:29

I bet he's the one to fan the flames of her jealousy....

he doesnt love you as much now as he used to

Right, a nice controlling mechanism to keep her in line.

Run or walk away from this - it will not get better.

Original poster

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 19/10/2013 21:11

"I wouldnt treat you like shit if you weren't so clingy"

That is it exactly cogito she says that he has these outbursts and lays into her (verbally) then blames it on the fact that she's too clingy and that its frustrating him.

He cheated at the start of the relationship so about 5 or 6 years ago now? And was texting his ex for the first couple of years. They (my friend and him) split up a few times, but kept getting back together after he practically begged her. I dont think he's done anything dodgy since (concerning other women)

They have a child together too

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 19/10/2013 21:20

They sound like a pair of drama llamas who deserve each other. Some people get off on flirting/texting purely because it makes their official partner freak out, some people are obsessively whiny and clingy because they believe everyone cheats and that policing monogamy is their life's calling. Both types of people insist that this sort of ghastly, tedious, childish relationship is 'passionate' and 'special' and can't see that they are in fact boring the collective arse off all their friends.

Walk away and leave them to it, OP.

ChanelTunel · 19/10/2013 21:52

Doesn't love her as much as he used to? She should realise that mentally,or physically,he's off.

garlicvampire · 20/10/2013 02:36

Oh, no, poor woman. My arse of an ex divorced me because of my 'jealousy'. He gave me huge rants about it on a regular basis. This strangely didn't make me feel all that secure; neither did his habits of disappearing with no notice, refusing to tell me anything about his activities, and being the subject of sleazy gossip after his boozy nights out.

In case you were wondering, he divorced me because he was such a control freak that I had to 'let' him be the injured party. Doesn't make any difference in the long run. After I'd moved out, I told him "I wasn't insecure before I met you."
"I know," he said, smirking.

There are some people, men and women, with emotional disorders that make them unusually clingy, possessive, and whatnot. If you have one of these conditions you know about it by the time you're an adult. Things like hormonal malfunctions can also bring it on. If you don't have a disorder but find yourself feeling like that, you're with the wrong person.
Please tell your friend this; it's horrible to be manipulated into distrusting your own feelings.

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