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Original poster

Drunken husband

60 replies

maybeknot · 18/10/2013 18:58

Hello I have been married 30 odd years married very young lots of ups and downs.
Over the last few years my DH has been drinking more and more only at weekends but he keeps embarrassing me on social occasions. I have made him just drink beer but last weekend at friends house he got really drunk again and embarrassed me.

He chats up woman in a drunken way which is hideous he falls over he decides he is dying, he gets belligerent, its so awful. I can never see my sister as he threw up all over their house a while back.
He says he loves me and respects me but how can he?

I have threatened to leave him and he always promises to never do it again but then after a few months it happens again.
My friends say its harmless but i’m so fed up with it. I thought we would grow old (er) together but now i’m not so sure.

I dont know how to handle it anymore

OP posts:
HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 18/10/2013 19:06

Firstly, my deep sympathy. My parents both drank and I am still dealing with the emotional fallout. You are right to have concerns. I think the crux is this:

I have threatened to leave him and he always promises to never do it again but then after a few months it happens again.

I don't think he believes you. Until a drinker recognises the pain and damage they cause, they'll always blame your nagging, over reactions, etc. They have to lose everything before they believe there's really a problem.

You'll never make him stop; you're simply not as important to him as booze.

You need to learn detachment and ways to cope without expecting him to change.

That might mean removing him from your life for the sake of your sanity.

Bowlersarm · 18/10/2013 19:11

If you have been married for 30 years and it is new behaviour, I think you need to get to the bottom of why it is happening now maybe?

Is there something that he is worried about and is drowning his sorrows? (I have no idea, just a thought).

Original poster
maybeknot · 18/10/2013 19:21

He loves beer more than me thats true

I dont know if hes worried about anything, I have asked him.

He says not

OP posts:
Original poster
maybeknot · 18/10/2013 19:27

maybe i overeact ,, i dont kno

OP posts:
Original poster
maybeknot · 18/10/2013 19:28

know

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 20:18

I don't think you're overreacting. Getting so drunk that he behaves the way you describe is an odd hobby to take up relatively late in the day. If he won't take it seriously, get help or similar you can't be expected to follow him around, clearing up the mess and embarrassment. If you've threatened to leave already and nothing's changed, I don't think you have much choice except to follow through. Sorry

ScarletLady02 · 18/10/2013 20:24

It's a problem because it's affecting you negatively. If it was every once in a while, I could cope with that, a lot of people have one too many and act like a dick (although they do tend to be younger). But if it's happening a lot, and you feel you can't see your family because of it then it IS a problem. If he can't stop doing it despite how it's upsetting you then it IS a problem.

Could it be something like depression? Not excusing his behaviour but it is relatively recent. I think you need to tell him he has to sort it out and you can't be around while he does. It's hard, but if he feels that your relationship is more important to him he WILL do it.

Do you have children? How are they affected?

TeaandCakes1983 · 18/10/2013 20:34

My exH had/has a drinking problem. It slowly got worse and worse and he was drinking in the mornings and getting so out of it that he would pass out and wet himself.

I tried everything, I did left for 2 weeks to give us some space. He promised he wouldn't drink/would get help. The morning I returned I had to pop out early. He was rolling drunk by the time I got home a little later. I got straight in my car and left. That was it for us. Drinking can be destructive and living with an alcoholic is extremely difficult. No matter how "old" you are. You shouldn't have to live like this.

Original poster
maybeknot · 18/10/2013 21:17

I have two grown up children. He does suffer from depression.
I love him deeply but so tired of this. I can't imagine separating.

But yes it's so difficult to live with someone who embarrasses you

OP posts:
JackyDanny · 19/10/2013 00:12

Alcoholism is progressive.
It doesn't get better.

Try calling AA or Al-Anon, get some support.
There is a way out, if he wants it.

Original poster
maybeknot · 19/10/2013 00:30

I sat on the sofa last year and said I'm leaving . He said ok I will but then could not commit to giving up beer totally for one month.

He will not contact AA . It's such a shame

OP posts:
anon2013 · 19/10/2013 00:36

I've got experience with this. Until he admits there's a problem and wants to change then he won't improve. Sounds like the beginnings at least of alcohol dependency Sad

Kaluki · 19/10/2013 00:37

He's an alcoholic
He won't change for you, not because he doesn't love you but because he can't not drink.
Alcoholics only stop when they hit rock bottom and they won't do that while they still gave a wife, job, money, home etc.
It's up to you to decide whether or not you can live out your days like this with him (and it will get worse).
Do try al anon. They are great.

JackyDanny · 19/10/2013 00:42

You can get help though.
I know of a few people who do the al anon thing while their partners continue to drink.

It can't hurt to give it a try before you do actually leave?
It really helps some people.
It's free.
Try calling, talk to people who genuinely understand.

CharityFunDay · 19/10/2013 00:55

He's an alcoholic

Er, not necessarily.

The worst that can be said, on current evidence, is that he has a problematic relationship with alcohol.

I.e., it turns him into an arsehole at times.

Alcoholism is a heavy label to be applying to someone who only drinks at weekends and sometimes gives up the drink for months at a time (as per the OP).

Granted, it could develop into something worse, but ...

Original poster
maybeknot · 19/10/2013 01:12

Okay granted he may not be a full blowen alcoholic although he cannot go a weekend without drinking beer.
I'm willing to give al anon a go

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 19/10/2013 01:19

The main thing is that HE needs to be willing to sort it out.

All the will in the world isn't going to mean a thing if he's not in the right frame of mind to actually WANT to stop Sad

If he isn't ready & wanting to help himself, then there is no point IME.

Kaluki · 19/10/2013 01:26

His drinking is affecting his family and potentially ruining his marriage and he still won't stop, if he's not an alcoholic yet then he's well on his way.

OinkGlitter · 19/10/2013 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
maybeknot · 19/10/2013 01:31

Exactly he says the right things but doesn't do it

OP posts:
Original poster
maybeknot · 19/10/2013 01:32

No your right he cannot handle it anymore ! But how do I cope with that ?

OP posts:
OinkGlitter · 19/10/2013 01:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharityFunDay · 19/10/2013 01:41

His drinking is affecting his family and potentially ruining his marriage and he still won't stop, if he's not an alcoholic yet then he's well on his way.

Perhaps. Yet how many here would question OP's attitude toward drinking? Given that that's the other side of the same coin.

He makes an arsehole of himself occasionally. OK ... so whatyougonnado? LTB?

Has OP considered recording him while he's drunk (either video or audio) to play back when he's sober?

Or getting third parties to confirm how out of order he has been?

Just suggestions.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/10/2013 07:02

A working definition of an alcoholic is someone for whom their alcohol use is negatively affecting their ability to lead a normal life i.e. hold down a job, maintain relationships, care for themselves etc. The quantity and frequency aren't as important as you'd think but the inability to give up for a short period of time is not a good sign. Al Anon may be able to give you some ideas and coping strategies but the core problem - someone who prioritises alcohol over their family - won't be resolved unless he wants it to happen. And I don't think that's going to be the case until he genuinely thinks there are going to be consequences.

I have been in a relationship with an alcohol abuser in the past and you have my sympathy. It is a miserable experience.

spudalicious · 19/10/2013 07:08

No offence Charity, but I don't think you really understand this situation.

My ex was a lot worse than you describe OP - he drank everyday, although daily drinking was not normally to that extent, but at any social occasion where there was the option of free booze he would get drunk in a very similar way to your husband. Embarrassing and inappropriate comments to both sexes (particularly women), falling over, getting injuries that were life threatening (or so he claimed - all seemed ok in the morning) and shouting/screaming at me when I gave up and tried to leave.

In the end it was a drink related incident that prompted me to leave - 4 days after I gave him an ultimatum regarding his drinking he picked up our DD from school while drunk. I left with her that evening. 9 months on - he's still drinking (I smell it sometimes even though he is not supposed to drink before he sees his DD) even though he's apparently at risk of losing where he lives due to not paying his rent. That's another story though.

My point is, until you have tried to have a social life which features your partner being consistently an utter twat around your friends/family you have no idea how devastating it is for you. You dread any social invite - you look for reasons to get out of it - you let them go on their own and spend the evening feeling sick waiting for them to return - you stop going out - you seem like the bad/not fun guy - you lose friends - people look at you with pity and also have a good old giggle at your expense in the other room - eventually you stop receiving invitations. It's just awful.

This used to happen with my family (not heavy drinkers) and our friend circle (mostly massively heavy drinkers/borderline alkies) and it was equally painful in both situations - so to me there's a clear difference between this behaviour and standard issue 'ooo I had a glass of wine too many last night and was a bit of an idiot' shit that you get all over the place.

From my perspective OP - I just wouldn't put up with it any more. Leave. Not necessarily permanently if you want the relationship to continue but just take a break - a week or two. Tell him clearly the reason you are leaving - explain your perspective. Ask him to put a plan in place to deal with the issues - suggest a GP visit at the VERY LEAST. Then you'll probably have a good idea if he will ever be likely to address the issue seriously (and it is an big issue IMO) and you can make decisions from there.

Best of luck. I hope you manage to get it sorted out.

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