Drunken husband

[maybeknot]

Hello I have been married 30 odd years married very young lots of ups and downs.
Over the last few years my DH has been drinking more and more only at weekends but he keeps embarrassing me on social occasions. I have made him just drink beer but last weekend at friends house he got really drunk again and embarrassed me.

He chats up woman in a drunken way which is hideous he falls over he decides he is dying, he gets belligerent, its so awful. I can never see my sister as he threw up all over their house a while back.
He says he loves me and respects me but how can he?

I have threatened to leave him and he always promises to never do it again but then after a few months it happens again.
My friends say its harmless but i’m so fed up with it. I thought we would grow old (er) together but now i’m not so sure.

I dont know how to handle it anymore

You threatened to leave if he didn't stop. He didn't stop and you didn't leave.

Being able to go days between drinks is not a sign that he is not an alcoholic, although I would imagine he is choosing to believe it is.

I would go to Al Anon and get some help to come to terms with the fact you can only control your own reaction to his drinking, not the drinking itself. Taking control may be leaving him, it might be refusing to socialise with him, or something else that you decide. But at the moment the only person the status quo is hurting is you, so focus on yourself.

tribpot - I imagine he uses the fact that he can goes days without a drink as 'proof' that he isn't an alcoholic in the conversations that they have about this.

It's balls - you can't control yourself around drink - you have a problem. May not be the local-park-extra-strength-cider-and-pissing-yourself problem or drinking-in-the-morning-and-hiding-vodka-in-the-washing-machine problem, but you know, if they're a benchmark for you then that should give you a clue.

Stick - it conjugates like this:

I like a drink
you have a drink problem
he/she is an alcoholic

I am very cynical around this sort of problem.

Not you - I hasten to add, but those who refuse to admit there's an issue.

maybeknot,

Re this earlier comment:-
"He does suffer from depression.
I love him deeply but so tired of this. I can't imagine separating"

He is likely to be self medicating his depression with alcohol thus making both worse (alcohol is a depressant). Your role has been all along to prop him up and you are still enabling him. He's embarrassed you socially many times but you encourage him to only drink beer. He should not be drinking at all. You are the "provoker" in the 3 act merry go around that is alcoholism.

What you have tried to date as well clearly has not worked so time for a different tack now. You can certainly seek help for your own self an Al-anon is a good place to start. Not totally surprised to see that your H will not go to AA, many problem drinkers never do.

You threaten to leave but those threats are empty ones and he knows it. That is also because you have never followed through on same.

Why cannot you imagine separating? A fear of the unknown, feel too "old", a totally misplaced sense of shame and embarrassment on your part that you are married to someone with alcohol dependency problems?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do your now grown up children think of him and you as well now?.

As long as you are in his life, he has something to focus on and blame for his drinking (you nag him, you don't understand him, etc). He has no motivation to change.

If you've threatened to leave and didn't, he simply does not take your feelings seriously.

Please don't focus on his actions. That way madness lies. Make decisions based on what you NEED, be that space, peace, dignity, self-respect, safety or whatever.

Once you accept you have no control WHATSOEVER over his actions, only your own, you can start making yourself the kind of life you deserve.

Good luck. Al anon can help you.

I just cant imagine life without him. But your right I do need peace and dignity and lose the fear of is he going to get drunk.

I say he can only drink beer because he used to drink spirits and that was worse. Also he cant give up beer. I asked him to stop for a month and he couldn’t.

He’s says i’m controlling but doesn’t explain how. He says i’m better in public/social occasions because I don’t embarrass myself ever. I say thats being a grown up and knowing how to behave.

I just cant imagine life without him

Perhaps some counselling just for you to learn more and empower yourself, particularly understanding the dynamics of co dependent relationships, might be the lifesaver you need.

You have my very best wishes.

maybeknot,

Re your comments in quote marks:-
"I just cant imagine life without him. But your right I do need peace and dignity and lose the fear of is he going to get drunk".

Why can you not imagine life without him?. That's the second time you've written that. You certainly do need peace and dignity and you will not get that if you choose to remain with this individual. His primary relationship is with drink. You are ultimately not responsible for him although you think you are.

"I say he can only drink beer because he used to drink spirits and that was worse. Also he cant give up beer. I asked him to stop for a month and he couldn’t".

That was you enabling him yet again. Enabling neither helps him or for that matter you; saying that he could only drink beer only gave you a false sense of control. That tactic of yours has clearly backfired. The last sentence here is clearly indicative of deeply rooted problems with alcohol dependency. He also cannot and will not give up drink, actually he could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards.

"He’s says i’m controlling but doesn’t explain how. He says i’m better in public/social occasions because I don’t embarrass myself ever. I say thats being a grown up and knowing how to behave".

Problem drinkers all say that, he cannot explain how because you are really not controlling of him. He is deeply in his own denial. Also trying to control his drinking never works as you have seen above. The difference between you and he is that he is a drunkard and you are not.

You did not answer my question i.e "What do you get out of this relationship now?". Is that because you at heart do not get anything out of this?. You also sound codependent; co-dependency is often a feature in such disordered relationships.

I think i am co dependent thats a good point.

I often wonder why I stay with him? Habitual i suspose

I dont know what I get out of the relationship? It’s my only relationship I met him when I was a teenager.

I dont even know anymore what i am supposed to get out of a relationship?

I would suggest you read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

It goes without saying you should not stay with him out of habit.
Also you cannot at all answer what you actually get out of this relationship now so I assume you get nothing from it.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?

I notice you met and married him young (perhaps when you were barely out of your teens) and thus had no life experience behind you.

You perhaps also met him when you were in a bad place yourself and he could well have just swept you off your feet.

I would urge you not to waste the rest of your years on this planet on such an individual. You will get nothing out of having a relationship with a drunkard and you're really being dragged down with him.

BTW do your adult children see either of you very often?. What do they think of their dad?.

I dont see him very much as we both work full time different patterns.

I feel if I left him it would be a waste of all that time and effort. I should have left him when i was young but I was pregnant and he begged me to stay and said he would change which he did for a while. But when the children grew up he got worse again.

He feels he’s dying so says I will soon be shot of him.

I think I will just lead a more and more independent life. Just do things without him I do that to a certain extent now

Atilla thats very insightful I met him not long after my mother had died. My father had remarried and she did not like me so he was my escape One child is a uni and one has recently moved back home.

Thought that was the case. He was also your escape from your horrid stepmother.

Getting back to today though its never too late to leave. Its only too late for you when you're dead!. He could also live for many more years and in the meantime you become further a shell of yourself.

You got something good from your marriage; your two children.
Do you not deserve some peace and dignity now?.

It's unlikely, although possible, that he is actually at the dying stage of alcoholism. I spoke to a nurse who had worked in rehab once and he told me that they would routinely see women die where men could survive the same (vast) intake of alcohol for more, if not many, years.

However, his health will get worse, and then you may feel even more trapped as a result. Better to detach now than later.

He smokes 20 cigarettes a day perhaps he thinks he has lung cancer

I do deserve some peace. But it would be a huge upheaval to get there.

Maybe - but it's not a valid reason to continue living like this (and perhaps even more reason to make changes whilst he is well).

Yes something needs to change. I cant go on in this nearly living state