Do you think an affair can be harmless if it's never discovered?

[Dietxokebreak]

And if its mainly physical, neither party had any intention of leaving their partner and it's conducted at times they would be away from their families anyway?

I don't think OP has any concerns about her self respect. She is arguing that it's just a bit of harmless fun, and that gives the impression that she is using him as much as he is using her.

They're both very self absorbed people imo.

We haven't killed anybody, we all make mistakes...

Not all poison kills. Sometimes it just changes the flavour and causes a little gripe or some headaches. Sometimes it marrs the meal (marriage) so much that there is no saving it and it needs throwing out. What a waste! A perfectly good marriage/meal gone to waste! Sometimes married women being cheated on have an idea that there partner may be cheating on them, and that the flame has gone, but without anything to compare it to they don't realise and continue with a marred and pointless, loveless life. Their H is full of empty words and lies, or says no words of encouragement or affirmation. Years go by. If they had known it would be like that, they would have left years before and found someone else. Now the stakes are higher and there are children. If they had proof, they could justify their feelings and ltb. But there is none and so they remain trapped with someone who has contempt for them.

I'd like to add that I don't think an affair is a mistake. it is a choice that two people make from a very selfish self absorbed point of view.

Ahem
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Thanks all

You think you are too clever to ge caught; you're not!

The truth ALWAYS comes out, maybe not at the time it's sometimes years down the line but it always comes out.....

Hope you're both prepared to deal with the fall-out

Or, if the cheated-on spouse knew, maybe they could stop trying to be faithful themselves and go out and have a little fun with all those attractive men/women they'd been turning down out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. So much for loving your spouse, if you are happy to deprive them of something whilst filling your own boots behind their back.

Basically, if you have to be sneaky about it, something's wrong.

Sorry but having been on both sides I can tell you it's a big ball of s*t. I haven't read all your thread - at work til 0400 and now on school run yawn - but I engage with mind body and soul and I didn't/couldn't separate feelings out if the equation. People s*tting on their 'loved ' ones .. Wives they made vows too. It all comes out. My v young dd outted her dad by saying his g/friends name. We were both seeing other people. I wasn't something I could maintain or mentally cope with. Certainly NOT all moonlight and roses. More like tears in tesco car park. But everyone is different I guess. Sorry I' m having a bad day :(

Diet just remember you are actively and knowingly participating in the emotional, sexual and financial abuse of an unwitting person.

The fact that they don't know (see Chibb's posts) doesn't mean it is not happening.

Would you have thrown stones at little Jamie Bulger on the railway line (lets pretend he didn't die, it was just a nasty incident)? - no, of course not.

Would you have watched stones being thrown at him? - no, of course not.

Would you sit in your house two suburbs away, knowing that he was having stones thrown at him?

• that is what you are doing.

I really wish the hurt and pain of infidelity wasn't so minimised.

What's all a bit bag of sh*t, Redundant?

This sounds interesting! I would love to hear your thoughts.

wellwobbly get your brew and a big stick and you can hit me with it while you sip your tea

I can't believe someone has made an analogy with the Jamie Bulger case
What a sick comparison!

We all know cheating is morally wrong, in whatever area of life.
But to assert that the truth will aways come out, well that's just naive

I agree Lazysuzanne (on both scores).

Let me reiterate or reword my point. Cheating on someone who is married is like introducing (non-deadly) poison into their home. The man carries it with him, and it doesn't go away just because he's not with the OW.

I am NOT advocating any kind of use of poison on anyone whatsoever. It is an analogy. Sheesh.

No it's not harmless I've been cheated on and it's an awful feeling it hurts it's betrayal at the end of the day and when the injured party finds out it ruins everything you thought you knew about the person you have given your life to!
Don't disrespect your partner by doing to this to them I hope your not doing this because I will never agree to cheating of any form you know what your doing is wrong !

It is true that the truth always comes out I found out about my partners cheating three years after it happened it still hurt as much of it had happened last week! Don't do it

Infidelity, affairs, extra marital liaisons, betrayal,cheating, two timing, double crossing, it's always happened, in all cultures throughout history.

A painful but normal part of human experience.
I don't know what the OP hoped to gain from this thread, surely she can't have expected redemption?
Ya should've known it'd be the usual hysteria and brow beating.

No I'm not condoning affairs, but it's just part of life FFS

"Apart from not telling her when he is with me I don't see why he would be treating her any differently to how he did before he ever knew me"

1. He will be distracted at home, by guilt, thinking of you, wondering when he will see you again, wondering if he will get caught.
2. He will compare the two of you and when his wife gets mad at him or they have a row, the comparison won't be in her favour. You'll be the fun, no-strings option. WIfe will be the boring, responsible, everyday option.
3. He will be irritable at times because of all the things I mentioned in 1.
4. She will have a constant sense of unease because something id 'off' but she won't know what it is. She will blame, stress, ageing, illness...anything other than infidelity because she trusts her husband. She will start to think that maybe she has done something wrong...that sucks!
5. Your affair may well be discovered and if that happens all bets are off... no-one can predict what will happen.

Of course you are not married to her, you owe her nothing other than the basic human decency you owe every human being. He's the guilty party, but in the end both of you are hurting someone else.

If I were in your shoes I would end it..but I am not so I can only advise you.

Yes it's part of life but it's morally wrong don't get married and have kids if you want to fuck about it's not hard

"No I'm not condoning affairs, but it's just part of life FFS"

So is german measles but we developed a vaccine for that

It'll be a cold day in he'll before we can immunize against cheating...any fool can see that your analogy is very weak Ormir

Weak? Oh no....I am mortified...

To answer the actual OP only.

No. Because your focus will shift out of your marriage and onto a third party. And if you allow your feelings of lust take over you will be overcome by giddy feelings you easily confuse with love. You get the "in love" feeling, but with a person other than your partner. And this is not fair on neither him nor you. It is painful, I believe.

I am speaking from a standpoint of knowing what it feels like to be in love, and hypothesizing what this means when the feelings relate to somebody who is not your partner , not from the experience of having cheated.

If you're having an affair with a married man you have to assume that he is taking it out on his wife, kids and employer or that he's personality disordered and feels nothing. How are either of those options favourable?

Having spoken to a lot of MM who were having 'bit of fun' affairs for the first time, it wasn't the emotional pull to the OW that was the problem, it was the stress of what they were doing that caused them to dissemble, acting nasty at home and being utterly useless at work.

Really, only people who have been in an affair think they can ever be harmless.

I have been in an affair, I don't think their harmless. Big, big mess. Step away OP before you get splattered. However I do believe that monogamy isn't terribly natural and that some people (risk takers, adrenaline junkies maybe) find it harder than others. I am currently faithful to DH, I would realy rather not know if he isn't. If he brings any trace into the house (emotional ties or STI s) into the house h e will be out on his ear. He knows this and is not stupid, so I trust him to be if not faithful then discrete and sensible.

Oh yes, I'm not suggesting that all the people who've been in an affair think they are harmless. I know plenty who know better. But I've personally never met someone who hasn't had an affair or isn't thinking about having one, who is that naive or deluded.