Do you think an affair can be harmless if it's never discovered?

[Dietxokebreak]

And if its mainly physical, neither party had any intention of leaving their partner and it's conducted at times they would be away from their families anyway?

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Scary

In other news, I remember when MN was mostly populated by people with more than two brain cells to rub together

Me too - it feels like a very fucking long time ago though!!

[Dietxokebreak]

Apart from not telling her when he is with me I don't see why he would be treating her any differently to how he did before he ever knew me

[ScaryFucker]

Case in point ^^

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Because you see the other person differently. You see them as someone who is too daft/stupid/dense to see what is going on under their noses. You pity them. You think them a fool. You lose respect for them. You feel 'better' because you can 'get away' with it. Then, if you are half decent guilt eats away at you, you become snappy & difficult to be around - you blame it on work, the kids playing up, the other person. You make the other person the scapegoat and you make them feel utterly fucking shit about themselves. Until they find out - and the penny drops.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Yup.

[cjel]

No, its always harmful as it involves hiding part of your life from your other half.

[worsestershiresauce]

Dietxokebreak how would you feel if a partner did this to you? You must have had serious partners in your life. Would you have minded if they had set up a nice little physical arrangement with a work colleague when they were with you?

I don't get how people can do this myself. My once best friend was an OW she argues until she is blue on the face she didn't do anything to hurt anyone. The man's wife left him, the daughter no longer speaks to him, he's single, she's married to someone else. So much heart ache for for many people all over a 'harmless' shag.

[AuntieStella]

"Apart from not telling her when he is with me I don't see why he would be treating her any differently to how he did before he ever knew me"

Pretty big secret. A deception covering up something that would be a deal breaker for most. And you think that makes no difference? You think he really compartmentalises his life like that? A psychopathic trait?

Or perhaps you 'don't see' because you aren't looking?

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

It's like putting poison into someone's food. The other person doesn't have to be able to detect it for it to harm them.

If a man were having an affair I reckon it would affect eeverything. The level and type of his expression of love for his wife, from the type of tokens of endearment to the way he touched her, to whether he put her first in ways he would gave done before. His thinking would be different, it would affect his motivation and how he expressed himself.

[reelingintheyears]

No.

[Dietxokebreak]

Is it so rare (psychopathic trait?) that someone would be able to compartmentalise to the extent that it doesn't change how they behave?

[alterego2]

yeg - that is it. From one who has been on the receiving end, that is it in a nutshell.

[alterego2]

Diet - yes, I think it is just that rare

[Viviennemary]

I do not think it's ever harmless. For a start there is no guarantee that the affair will remain undiscovered for ever. There is the risk of transmitted sexual infections. And even unwanted pregnancy. So it's not all clandestine meetings, and moonlight and roses.

[reelingintheyears]

...AND LOVE AND ROMANCE.

Let's face the music and dance.

[Homeiswherethefartis]

Affair are harmful. People who have affairs change and become deceitful.
My relationship with my life long best friend has Changed since she started an affair. Subtle things like not calling me when her house is empty like she always did so we could have an uninterrupted catch up (we live 50 miles apart). Because I am the only person who knows what she is upto my invites to drunken bbqs etc at her house (where her husband and family will also be present) have dried up cos she is terrified I may let something slip if I am pissed.
Her affair is harming our friendship as well as jer marriage.
People who have affairs really try and justify it with a million reasons but they are just kidding themselves.

[FreckledLeopard]

My mother is adamant that my father's liaisons during their 42 year marriage did not hurt her. He was away at sea and had casual encounters in various countries. She always knew he adored her and would never leave her, which was true.

I honestly don't think any party involved was upset. But, my mother is a unique kind of a person and freely admits to never having fallen in love in her life and never being ruled by her heart. So, whilst it's possible that no-one can get hurt, I'd say it's the exception rather than the rule.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

There is a great bit in The Tall Guy when the man says, "she meant nothing to me" and the woman says, "while you were with her I meant nothing to you". Or something along those lines.

If you are having an affair (as the MM or MW) you are; doing something you know would hurt your OH if they knew; lying; treating your OH with contempt; this is the worst AFAIAC robbing them of their right to make decisions based on what is really happening.

Maybe they would leave, maybe they would also sleep around too. The MM is making a decision based on a frankly condescending and nasty assumption that they know better than their OH what is OK for their relationship. I wish people would just be honest and let the other person make their own decisions based on reality.

[cronullansw]

Dietxokebreak - how do you feel now you've been accused of being a lying home wrecker with a range of STI's?

Personally, I'm (amazingly) with Cogito in this - yes, an affair can be harmless.

[needingsomething]

What with never any hope of getting sex here from one month to the next, could honestly do with a harmless little affair. It'd save a lot of money.

[str8tothepoint]

I really hate how because your the OP we all get burnt by everyone else on here. Yes cheating is wrong, yes we are idiots. BUT most of us aren't cold hearted evil bastards, we are still humans with feelings regardless of making a wrong decision. Yes the people who find out bout affairs deserve to be angry and upset but we OP don't play victims or give a sob story. We haven't killed anybody, we all make major mistakes in life that also impact on other people's feelings which can also cause damage. We all aren't innocent but having an affair is not a crime. I'm not blaming the DP or saying they don't have a right to destroy the OP but I think people on here should not hang the OP who is looking for advice/support/help. If your friend/family member was having an affair which they confided in you would you turn your back on them when they were on the verge of suicide????

[ScaryFucker]

The people on this thread getting the flak don't believe they are doing anything wrong, str8

One of them is positively gleeful about her lack of compassion

So it's not the same as someone suicidal about where their choices have taken them

If you read MN without your biased eye, you will see there is sympathy and compassion, even from people on the receiving end of such appalling behaviour, for those that are desperately unhappy

This shower think what they are doing is simply a lifestyle choice

[nooka]

I have been confided in by someone I love very much and whilst I didn't turn my back I did tell them that what they had done was very very wrong. Which of course they knew perfectly well. I also totally understand why they had an affair, and have every sympathy for the position they were n which was indeed very very difficult, but none of that changes the fact that what they did was wrong.

In some ways to me it's particularly bad that the OP's bit on the side has no intention of telling his wife or leaving that relationship despite playing away. Essentially he's saying that his wife (and family) has done nothing wrong at all, but he'd like to fuck up their lives anyway. Just for a bit of steamy sex - how little he truly values them.

[AuntieStella]

The best advice for this OP is walk away whilst you still can.

Either he's demonstrating psychopaths traits (excessive compartmentalisation, combined with disregard - or just lack of comprehension - for normal human emotional connectedness) or he's lying to you as well about the impact on DW and family life. For time/thought/effort stolen to give to you isn't a 'romantic' gesture; it's a sign of weakness, and every such theft makes a difference to the marriage (whether the other family members know soup has been poisoned or not - I did like that image). And of course it makes a difference to the betrayer too - it makes them so much less than they could be.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

I wonder where your own self respect is in all of this OP?