how do i reassure my children that everything will be ok?

[swannylovesu]

i have previously posted on here about DHs affair and how we are moving forward. We are getting on better than ever, getting better every day.

When Dh moved out for 6 weeks, we told both DS that we were still best friends, we just didnt know if we could stay married (didnt want them to know the ins and outs). They were over the moon when dh moved back in. ds2 often says it was the happiest day of his life.

Although they see dh and i cuddling and telling each other "love you" etc, they still panic every time we do disagree that we will split up again.
I know we (or rather dh) caused this insecurity, but how can i help to reassure them?

Sadly, you can't. You can tell them and you can show them, but there will forever be that doubt; that insecurity.

And their dad caused that.

thanks folkgirl. He knows its all on him, i dish out plenty of cuddles and reassurances, cant help but think that we might have ruined their childhood

It won't have ruined their childhood, but having been the child in this position and now the stbxw and mother, I know there is little that can be said and done to make any real difference - the insecurity will always be there.

Carry on giving the reassurances and the cuddles, that's all you can do. There is no "we might have ruined their childhood" he caused any and all of the hurt, betrayal and anguish all on his own. Well not all on his own, but you certainly had no part to play in it.

I wish you all luck for the future.

thank you so much x

It is hard. After H's affair we didn't tell the kids anything. In some ways I wish we had but they are too old to be told comforting lies - it would have had to be the truth in some way. H did NOT want to tell them, he is mortified with shame at his actions and the last thing he wanted was for them to know what he had done.

It's been a very volatile time which is awful - I went upstairs one evening after H and I had a row, to find DS2 sobbing and sobbing in his bed about 'you and dad'. I was so ashamed and angry at the both of us. Since them we have tried to be calm and affectionate with each other. So beleive me, the fact that he left for a brief time really isn't the worst that could have happened.

Time and reassurance and actions that show committment and love are the best thing. Good luck x

Our eldest knew (I wish I hadn't told him - he was almost 13) and youngest didn't (he was 4, almost 5).

Eldest was very supportive to me - I didn't lean on him but he was very protective and spent lots of time with me watching trash TV and drinking tea. He is OK with his dad now but if he hears any type of raised voices, I've noticed him hanging around doorways and listening to what's going on.

Youngest seems to be fine but does have a habit of telling everyone to stop arguing, even if its just loud conversation.

It's an awful scar.

That's familar up. The 'stop arguing' thing Even when we aren't - TBH we never really do now.

I think you need to reassure them that whatever happens, they will still be loved and it will be ok regardless.

Less than ideal situations arise for whatever reason.
One of their parents would start working away for long times, for example, and you'd still need to deal with it as a family.

You may need to identify what their actual fears are, address them and reassure them by each specific fear. Not of breaking up as a generic thing, but of the consequences of breaking up.

Having said that, I think parents need to be very careful when spending time away without knowing for sure how they will proceed from there because uncertainty damages children more than the actual break ups.

Trial separations should be addressed very carefully, and I don't think the children should have known about the limbo.
It would have been kinder to them to stay together during that time or for you to split definitively.

What is done is done in your case, of course, but maybe other parents in similar circumstances, may still be on time to consider this aspect.

I would be careful. Don't over-reassure & make promises you can't keep. Don't tell them that Mummy & Daddy will be together forever now etc.

Tell them that Mummy & Daddy will always love them no matter what happens, that they are very lucky children because they have both of you & both of you love them very much.

Kids are resilient and although what happened will have rocked their boat a bit, if both of you are still there for them & life settles back to its normal routines, they will find that reassuring. It is the actions, rather than the words that will provide comfort here. Routine & sameness will be good, so don't be making extra efforts or doing special stuff - just go back to normal for the DC.

thanks all, knew i could rely on you lovely lot for advice.

we do say that "whatever happens you'll always have a mam and dad who love you more than the world", and i know I shouldnt feel guilty but i think thats the joy of being a mam