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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Odd behaviour from DP or am I paranoid.

55 replies

Redskys · 15/10/2013 10:57

I will try and keep this as brief as possible. I have been with DP for nearly 7 years.Majority of the time a good happy relationship. Only problem is an old female married friend, who has a history of extra marital affairs. I have tried to remain calm about their friendship which is not close, just the occasional call and text, as far as I know. But my DP keeps his mobile almost glued to him. But have managed a few sneaky checks of it. But have become very suspicious of change of contact name to a mans name. Also missing unexplained hours which unfortunately he can excuse through work. Sorry to rabble on. This woman's husband died quite recently after a long illness. I expected DP to attend the funeral today because he knew him as well. Mostly through my unease of the situation I offered to accompany him, I also knew him as an acquaintance. But DP seemed alarmed at my suggestion and has said he's not going. This strikes me as very odd. I am trying to keep logical but finding this behaviour out of character.

OP posts:

Loosingthebigkickers · 15/10/2013 10:58

hmm. that is odd.. on the surface of it.

Next time he's 'at work' ..call the office.

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 11:07

Unfortunately he's a self employed driver, so always a perfect reason to be away. I am really hoping it's nothing just me on look out for evidence after a few recent odd warning signs. But as always like so many others the bloody mobile goes every where with him.

OP posts:

GrannyBubble · 15/10/2013 11:17

Whose name did he change to a man's name? Hers? That is odd if so.

I would say call him at work today and find out if he has the day off to go to the funeral.

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 11:30

Yes his female friends name has been changed in his mobiles content list to a mans name that I have no knowledge of. I have not questioned him about it as I would have to admit to checking his mobile. He is a self employed driver with out any office base. But he seems moody and on edge today after I suggested going to the funeral with him. My gut feeling is some thing is a miss, hate this awful feeling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 11:31

Sorry meant contact list.

OP posts:

GrannyBubble · 15/10/2013 11:36

I would confront him, even if it means admitting checking his phone. If he has been acting suspiciously there must be a reason and changing her name is very suspicious.

Can you not go to where the funeral is to see if he is there, just from a distance?

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 15/10/2013 11:38

Has he an iPhone, can you set up Find my Iphone on your phone to include his - then you can see his location? You'll have to activate it on his phone first though - might be difficult if it's glued to him.

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 11:41

I don't think he will go. Because I have day off work and have clearly suggested I go with him as support. So I think he knows that it would look very strange if went off on his own. Also we have a couple of mutual friends who will be at the funeral, so he can't just sneak off there.

OP posts:

Cosydressinggown · 15/10/2013 11:51

Sorry, but the contact name change is really suspicious. I can't think of a good explanation for it. :(

Can you look at his phone bill online and see how often he's contacting her? Bear in mind they can contact via i/m, Whatsapp etc and that doesn't show on the bill.

namehopping · 15/10/2013 11:55

Doesn't sound good to me.

Changing her name to a mans is very odd behaviour IMO

why would he not go to a friends funeral?

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 12:03

I know it's suspicious. It was changed after I had asked him why he won't answer a couple of calls from her whilst I was with him. But had the usual answer why am I nagging him etc.He always keeps his phone with him even takes it to the bathroom. I rarely manage a quick peak at it when's he's fast a sleep. I am probably more aware of affair signals after my ex DH cheated on me. Really hoped I had a decent man but growing suspicious of several incidents. He has a perfect cover in his job, he drives over a large area.

OP posts:

flippingebay · 15/10/2013 12:04

Can you check his mobile bill?

mammadiggingdeep · 15/10/2013 12:28

:( the name change is a bad sign.

He's not going to admit anything if you confront. I'm just not sure how you can get evidence if he keeps phone glued to his side. How is the rest of the relationship generally? Do you feel a change in his affection? Does he seem to still be in love with you, loving and caring??

flippingebay · 15/10/2013 12:30

My DH had the ow name under a male name... Made for interesting reading about what he wanted to do with 'Dave'

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2013 12:30

Trust your gut instinct - you know us women don't have them unless there is something amiss!
Deep down you know something is going on.
Not sure how you tackle it though.
Try to get more proof if at all possible.

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 12:35

No. I have already tried to check business mobile account online. But protected by password haven't been able to crack it.Paperless account so a bit stuffed. I have seriously thought about confronting him about contact change. But I know he will have an excuse and deny deny. I need to gather evidence so he can't wriggle out of it. But apart from name change I don't have much else to go on. Just very uneasy he's not attending old friends husbands funeral and his reaction to my suggestion that I go with him. Which although it was on my part suggested to test him, surely wouldn't bean unreasonable suggestion to accompany my DP?

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/10/2013 12:36

OP hope it's all above board for your sake but it doesn't sound promising. Steel yourself.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/10/2013 12:37

No it wasn't an unreasonable suggestion and not only does it keep you away from seeing him and her it prevents any chat with mutual friends who might disclose something.

mammadiggingdeep · 15/10/2013 12:42

I know it's a total long shot and probably not possible but any chance you can get the phone for long enough to quickly change the number for the contact to YOUR number. Then let him text you instead?? Prob means you having to be like a ninja to get phone in the middle of the night etc but would it b worth a try?

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 12:44

Thanks for your help. I am starting to feel low about it all especially after being through the terrible not knowing stage about my ExDH affair until I got hold of definite proof,which is so hard. I am going for a walk and cig so I can put some perspective on it all. Feel like may be it's me making a mountain out of a mole hill. Will post a bit later.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 15/10/2013 12:46

To what extent do you need 'evidence'? If you could prove it without any doubt, and he admitted it, would you ever be able to trust him again?

Honestly, it sounds like he is hiding the extent of his relationship with her, and I can't think of any plausible reasons for that which don't include him being unfaithful.

What do you want to get out of this situation?

You don't need proof to leave him if you have decided deep down that he is untrustworthy.

mammadiggingdeep · 15/10/2013 12:57

I agree muminscotland. Especially after your previous experience.

So sorry you're going through this red sky. Hope you've managed to get yourself together a bit. Stay strong and focused. Keep a level head xx

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 13:01

AMumInScotland I can understand what your saying but life is not always so straight forward. I have been through lots of shit in previous relationship. So may be I want to give this my best shot. DP is normally a decent hard working loveable man, who I do love. Which makes this much harder than being with some nasty bully. BUT I will not tolerate an affair. I have told him before I love him dearly but never take it for granted and an affair would finish every thing. His ex wife cheated on him with his best mate so surely he as some under standing of hurt & damage. I must get out for a walk. Back later

OP posts:

iamjustlurking · 15/10/2013 13:58

May be a bit late now but if it was me I would consider going to the funeral myself, if you have mutual friends there and just say as he was unable to come you are representing you both.

Just to gauge the reaction when he finds out you went ?

cakehappy · 15/10/2013 14:03

Nightmare:( I'd definitely change her contact to yours in the middle of the night or install find my IPhone app, and see what happens...the mobile glued to his side is a dead giveaway, changing her contact to a guys name, an old trick in the book. Both are serious red flags.

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