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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Odd behaviour from DP or am I paranoid.

55 replies

Redskys · 15/10/2013 10:57

I will try and keep this as brief as possible. I have been with DP for nearly 7 years.Majority of the time a good happy relationship. Only problem is an old female married friend, who has a history of extra marital affairs. I have tried to remain calm about their friendship which is not close, just the occasional call and text, as far as I know. But my DP keeps his mobile almost glued to him. But have managed a few sneaky checks of it. But have become very suspicious of change of contact name to a mans name. Also missing unexplained hours which unfortunately he can excuse through work. Sorry to rabble on. This woman's husband died quite recently after a long illness. I expected DP to attend the funeral today because he knew him as well. Mostly through my unease of the situation I offered to accompany him, I also knew him as an acquaintance. But DP seemed alarmed at my suggestion and has said he's not going. This strikes me as very odd. I am trying to keep logical but finding this behaviour out of character.

OP posts:

cakehappy · 15/10/2013 14:04

Actually to me this would be enough to assume he's having an affair, so sorry:(

onefewernow · 15/10/2013 14:05

In these circumstances, trust your instincts.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2013 14:17

YY to going to the funeral on your own.
Is it too late to do that?

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 14:35

No it's too late to go now.I had thought of that but I think him not going is interesting enough.if any thing is going on between them, hopefully I might have put a spoke in the wheel,by him not being there for her.I know he hasn't gone as he has a regular driving at the same time and j phoned relief driver who confirmed he's not doing it for him.I have decided once I get hold of phone to do a little bit of editing with numbers. Because it's difficult to move forward with out more evidence.

OP posts:

TonyThePony · 15/10/2013 14:48

Could you maybe say you've deleted her number by accident and ask him if you can have it from his phone (maybe to offer support/apologise for not attending the funeral) and then enquire as to why her number is stored under a man's name? I think his reaction will give away a lot.

Good luck with it all, it doesn't sound good to me

Mojavewonderer · 15/10/2013 14:54

Haha I like your thinking about editing the numbers! Let us know how you get on.
My husband has always got his phone with him and the. I found out he has lots of those apps like the Simpsons tap game and castle something or other, not to mention football manager. He sits on the loo playing these bloody games. Although I should be grateful he's not texting some other woman.
Hope its nothing sinister op.

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 14:59

No I don't want him to panic and delete number or contact details. He's got loads of contacts used for business as well.At the moment I know exactly which name it's under. So when I get my chance will change it to my mobile number. Not sure how do deal with genuine phone calls from him as it will come up with his name on my phone. Any one else done this?

OP posts:

captainmummy · 15/10/2013 16:17

Hmm. How about you get a new cheap PAYG mobile and change his number for her to that?

dontyouwantmebaby · 15/10/2013 17:20

OP have you spoken with your DP about how you feel? Or does he dismiss your concerns as 'nagging'?

I am surprised that you expected your DP to go to the funeral as you say that your DP's friendship with this woman is 'not close', just the occasional call or text. Maybe he really had no intention of going? (sorry clutching at straws here trying to make sense of it too).

Is it possible that he's changed her name on his phone contacts to avoid any future arguments with you (btw, I know this is not the right way to go about it, worse even, but trying to think of every possibility, not just an affair which I know is what they do to cover their tracks).

My ex was friendly with his ex (she was a nightmare) and I always felt uneasy/suspicious and we used to end up arguing about her (I guess I was jealous of their 'friendship' and was insecure anyway). He ended up going to her mother's funeral with her but didn't tell me till after as 'I would go mad'. I did go mad but it was because he kept it from me not because he went. We went round in circles every time the subject came up (her), it was agonising.

So I think rather than trying to catch him out with the phone, is it possible (I know its not always as easy as this) to just speak to him and tell him how you feel. Of course I could be wrong and it could be classic affair (sorry if so) and he'll go to lengths to hide it rather than end things.

DippyDoohDahDay · 15/10/2013 17:44

I agree with captain mummy. If you are going to change her number in his phone, get a cheap pay as you go number and change it to that. It's possible, affair or not, that he knows at least some of her number, and yours, so it would be obvious it was you.
One of my male colleagues has women's names as men on his phone....it's usually dodgy but his wife rightly does not trust him, so all the women are down as men.
How are other areas of your relationship?

mammadiggingdeep · 15/10/2013 19:55

Yes yes to the pay as you go idea!!! Bloody genius captain mummy.

There is a chance that he has hidden her name to avoid rows with you. The old classic of "we'll u would've kicked off". A lot of guys (women too I expect) tell white lies to avoid rows.

Do not ask anything that can give him the heads up of what you're thinking, buy a pay as u go and change her number for that number. If its innocent at least you'll know. No one can blame you for being suspicious, especially with your past and his behaviour now.

Hope you're ok xx

3mum · 15/10/2013 20:05

I'm sorry to say that i think the name change points to an OW. My STBXH also had his OW in his phone as a man's name though the actual texts were definitely from a woman and the dickhead had forgotten to change her email which was also in his contacts and which was helpfully christian name.surname @hotmail.com! And he was supposed to be clever!

Ursula8 · 15/10/2013 20:06

Yes my female friend was having an affair and stored Gary as Gail. I guess they think they are being hilariously clever? Go to the funeral on your own. Don't even tell him you are going. See what reaction you get. And change the OW number to the PAYG number and sit back. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I would say though that if you don't trust him, and why would you, that it may not even be worth going through all this? When I found out my XH1 was cheating on me I didn't even let on that I knew. I just told him I was ditching him because I didn't love him any more. He was far more devastated, well, his ego was, than if I had told the truth. And what difference does it make? If the relationship is over it is over. Better to walk away with your dignity intact.

Original poster

Redskys · 15/10/2013 20:31

Dontyouwantmebaby yes I have spoken to him at length & calmly about this woman. I understand it's possible to have a friend ship with the opposite sex. But in the last year the calls have become more regular & not taking calls from her whilst I am with him his not on. I think most people would think they had some thing to hide.He has known her & her late husband for a considerable time. I am sure out of respect he would have attended the funeral if not for me suggesting I go too, this totally through him, I watched his reaction. I will be watching him closely. This evening he appears to be back to his usual self but phone in his pocket out of my sight. If I could place a bet it would be very high odds they have spoken some time today with no doubt his big apologies & what a mad possessive woman I am.

OP posts:

DippyDoohDahDay · 15/10/2013 21:02

A peek at his call logs when he is sleeping tonight?....

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2013 21:10

OP, can you get access to his lorry? If so, I know what you should do.

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2013 21:10

Also, what kind of phone does he have?

MortifiedAdams · 15/10/2013 21:14

Wait til he is asleep and take his phone to the bathroom for a peek? Remember to check WhatsApp if he uses it, and his FB inbox if he uses it.

Another idea - could you suggest joining him.on his rounds one time? "Ooh I have a day off today, can I tag along? Im really interested.in what you do"

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2013 21:14

Yes, love, I think something is badly amiss here

Also, he doesn't sound very nice either

he dismisses your reasonable questions as "nagging" ?

I thought you said he was a lovely man ?

AnnaClaudia · 15/10/2013 21:34

Good idea about changing the number to the op's. I did that once and got a few days messages before they realised!

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 19:19

How you doing, OP ?

Original poster

Redskys · 16/10/2013 22:40

Yes trying to get on with things. Hate this suspicious feeling makes me on edge. I did mange to check his phone last night, no texts or calls between them. But a couple of blocked numbers, which I am now wondering if they are from her. My imagination is in over drive. I am trying to focus on other things. I have a responsible job so have to try and stay focused. Also although two of my older DC have left home, my youngest is still at home, who still needs my attention. But I am keeping a close eye on him. Unfortunately he does driving for private clients,similar to a chauffeur. So he is driving in different areas and cars most days, also can be late night work, perfect cover for a cheat. He's not given me reason to mistrust until the last couple of months. His work seems to keep away longer and mobile out of signal, although rural area with signal problems.

OP posts:

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 16/10/2013 22:54

Can I ask what made you check his phone in the first place? Was it because he seemed possessive over it or did something else raise your suspicions? It does all seem very strange and you seem like a rational person who wouldn't be prime to sudden paranoia for no reason. BUT what is it about the last couple of months that has changed things for you? Has he changed?
I have never been in your situation before and I know generally the advice on these threads is to get proof so the phone number swapping is a good idea. However I still think if I were in your position I would just talk to him but I realise that could lead to the minimising and lies that are such common reactions in these situations. Very difficult one,

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 23:04

You sound utterly rational to me. Take care, and keep posting if it helps x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/10/2013 12:06

It could be if he senses you are becoming suspicious especially with regard to the phone he'll just buy a second one anyway.

As well as the phone-glued-to-his-hand habit there may be other signs,
he could become moody or quicker to start criticising, even arguing. Does he still share things with you, has conversation dried up? If he is spending time with her not just texting or calling he or his clothes may smell subtly different. More obviously his personal grooming or even wardrobe might show signs of changing.

I suppose his comeback to any confrontation would be injured innocence, "I'm just supporting her through her time of need".

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