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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what's the point in us gpoing out alone?

56 replies

ollypooh · 30/06/2006 21:21

Dh and i are supposed to be going out for dinner in the evening alone for the first time since dd was born 2 months ago. He just doesn't seem interested and said he'd book the restaurant but didn't becuase "he was watching the football" he says he wants to go but it seems i have to make all the arrnagements ( i've sorted out the babysitter and suggested where to go) and he can't even be bothered to book a table. Might aswell not bother going now. Am i overreacting?

OP posts:
mancmum · 30/06/2006 21:36

no... you are right to want a night out... would seem he is taking you a tad for granted ... sort it all out and then raise the subject over cocktails!

HonorMatopoeia · 30/06/2006 21:41

I'd be narked too. I'd still go through with it though, hopefully he'll have such a good time that he'll be falling over himself to arrange the following meal out!

unicorn · 30/06/2006 22:02

the footie is a major problem for them at the moment though.
May have been better to save the date for when you were both really keen.

cat64 · 30/06/2006 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ollypooh · 01/07/2006 11:36

It's not just like this abecause of the football. He hardly ever suggests us going out - is quite happy to follow my suggestions tho and go out if i suggest it. We ended up having a terrible arguments last night. He said i've ruined the weekend because of my 2tantrum" i thnk he's ruined it because of his indifference and the angriness and nastiness that followed. He told me i needed to try to relax which id just he thing i would love to do but feel unable to do at the mo,and when i expressed this he just imitated me being upset. I've also had to take pill to help me sleep a couple of times and when i told him i was going to have to again last night he said "good" I really eel there's virtually nothing left between us - i'm always nervous when i'm with him and worry about the things which will be thrown back at me.

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groggymama · 01/07/2006 12:13

he sounds like a git and deserve better treatment, i'm not suprised you feel like you do, no advice just sympathy and hugs hope things get better for you

ollypooh · 01/07/2006 12:54

He tried to make up by bringing me breakfast in bed but i was too upset to accept it. Things escalated with both of us blaming eachother.I went to have a shower and after a while he came in the bathroom and saih he'd put baby in our room and he was crying so i'd better go and see to him. Things are going from bad to worse.

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ollypooh · 01/07/2006 13:05

I should add that he also does many good things (some of night feeds, giving me massages, trying to make up repreatedly when we argue up to a point)but at the mo the bad seems to take over and i just can't see a way forward

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ollypooh · 01/07/2006 15:18

Just wish things could be happy but i feel so negative towards h becuase of what's happened that even when things seem to be getting better it never lasts for long. he nearly always seems angry and miserable and i nearly always feel nervous irritable and miserable. I keeping hoping it will improve. Also had i'd just got all the feeds sorted so they were at roughtly the same time each day and now he has messed it all up by giving one at another time (he seems to think the only answer when he cries is to give food) so now i will have to try to reestablish all the times again - yet more stress. I told him it was the wrong time and he just got agressive again and shouted at me to go away

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CarlyP · 01/07/2006 15:26

I think he doesnt know what is expected of him re becoming a dad. theres a 'haynes' manual for babies!!! i bought it for my DH and he loved it. else guide him on what he can do to help your newborn. put it as helping them, and not YOU.

good luck. 1st cpl of mths is always a rollercoaster.

cx

ollypooh · 01/07/2006 15:55

I saw that book a few weeks ago. if i bought it for him he'd just get angry about the fact i think he needs advice. Nearly every weekend for the last few weeks has been spoiled because of the arguing.Just went to ask if he wanted anything to eat and he said he made his own while i was out and used everything up leaving nothing for me. I was annoyed and asked why and he said "he didn't think about it"When iasked abou the feeds, he said i thought it was ok because he had feeds a t about that time as he looked in the note book where we write down times & he said that he had feeds at the time he gave it - when the note book clearly says otherwise! He clearly didn't even look, just said he did. Help please, what do i do, I'm getting desperate

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ollypooh · 01/07/2006 19:32

I took ds out for a walk while dh watched the football so he didn't get disturbed.Have been back a while now and now he's just come in to have a go at me for ruining the day with his son. Please help someone!

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mousiemousie · 01/07/2006 19:37

Wait and see...

SSSandy · 01/07/2006 19:40

I think you both need to cool it. Having a baby is major stress and everyone gets tired and rattled.

My guess is he is not panting for a meal out because lately you haven't been getting on great and he is wary that you'll spend the evening arguing or discussing the baby?

I think you need to trust him more, he's trying to be a decent dad but he has a different approach to you, don't bring him to the point where he decides to just keep out of it rather than get criticised. What you both need IMO is more laughter. Spend maybe 2 days NOT exploding or criticising and try to laugh a bit more.

It honestly all gets better when the baby is a bit older and you get more sleep.

ollypooh · 01/07/2006 19:40

i'm sitting here scared of what he will say to me next. he's bathing baby at the mo, but am pretty sure he'll come in with more nasty comments when he's finished. Don' know how to deal with it

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oxocube · 01/07/2006 19:40

ollypooh, IME, this is quite typical guy behaviour. Guys generally DON'T book restaurants, babysitters, sort out money for babysitter or how she is to get home, buy gifts, send cards etc etc etc. Or am I just very cynical? Go out anyway... you might have a great time

tribpot · 01/07/2006 19:41

Your baby is very little, I would try not to stress too much about the feed times, although I can also appreciate that when you are trying to gain a degree of control over your life (at the mercy of the pod-creature, as I like to call it) it's very frustrating if someone else sabotages that.

Have I missed the part where you ruined his day with his son - by taking him out during the footie? Or because of the (understandable) ongoing wranglings?

Btw, he's not grumping because of the football result, is he? I imagine there will be MNers all over the place with grumpy husbands/partners tonight (can't fathom it myself, it's only a bloody game).

You both need to move beyond the idea of a day or weekend being 'ruined', i.e. by a row that happened before midday on the Saturday, for example. Life is hard with a baby. Perfect days are rare. Think more in hours and you might be along the right lines!

The first months are rough all round. Your dh doesn't sound like he's handling it very well, but it's also as much of a shock to his system as it is to yours. I do sympathise with you, of course I do, but try not to see doom in the fact that you are having a rough time right now.

For this time, I would take the initiative if I were you, you have a babysitter sorted (lucky you - I have left ds twice in a year) and if you book a table, he will go out for a meal. It's worth making the effort, have some time to be a couple and remember (dimly) who you were before the baby came.

oxocube · 01/07/2006 19:43

Sorry, just read original post. New parenthood can be very stressy and a huge anti-climax, no matter how much you love the baby. Hope you manage to work this out

ollypooh · 01/07/2006 19:48

I hope this work out too but he can be so cruel and spiteful and am so upset that he just left baby in our room crying shouted at me to go to him while i was in the shower and then went to watch tv. How do you get over that behaviour - seems he's just trying to punish my using our baby

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ollypooh · 01/07/2006 19:49

No he's not grumpy because of the football result - he's nearly always grumpy

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ollypooh · 01/07/2006 20:07

Just don't know what to do next. he's downstairs at the mo, unloading dishwasher i think from the noises coming from the kitchen

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tribpot · 01/07/2006 20:34

You both sound really, really stressed. Rather than dinner, could someone come and give you a few hours off in the middle of the day (when you're both less tired) so you can get out and try and have a conversation about how things are going? The only thing that saved me and dh when we were in your situation (I was your dh, my dh was you, I think) was that we could talk about how awful it was.

Was he grumpy before the baby?

ollypooh · 01/07/2006 20:36

Tried to go to talk to him but he's absol;utely furious with me and keeps blaming him for ruining his day - he's shut himslef in bedroom now after screaming at me that i'd ruined the F**king day" Just don't know what to do, i'm starting to feel hysterical. Please help me someone with a few words of advice

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LoveMyGirls · 01/07/2006 21:29

can you go to your mums for a couple of days? or ask him to go for a couple of days so you can clear your head and just concentrate on baby. its very very hard having a new baby and men just dont get the fact that we are tired and stressed from the trauma of giving birth, its much more emotional for us.

it sound slike he is trying to help, could you have baby blues or post natal depression (its very common) maybe see your health visitor if you feel things are getting on top of you and ask for help. my dd is 9mths old and im still knackered all the time (i know that sounds like there's no end to it but trust me its not just baby that is making me tired - she is an angel that sleeps 7am til 7pm but im having to work 7days a week to provide for our family and things keep going wrong re money, plus i have dd1)

give yourselves some space and stop being so stubborn - you said he tried to bring you breakfast in bed and you refused it - a bit harsh of you i think.

a few things i have learnt since being in a long term relationship are........

communication is key

dont go to bed on an arguement

give each other a break (try to see it from their side)

compromise

and above all spend time together and have a laugh life's too short to be miserable.

good luck hun

LoveMyGirls · 01/07/2006 21:30

meant she sleeps 7pm to 7am.....doh

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