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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have not had sex with my DH for 12 years

99 replies

Playedaway · 08/10/2013 20:49

Namechanged for this. Booble plate, MNOldies yada yada yada. Not trolling.

It just is not possible for me to have sex with my husband. Too many awful things have been said and done and my relationship with him is utterly pants. We have stayed together for the children. It has been hard. Frankly, it has been horrific. Please don't suggest counselling. We have done that three times and the one thing I have learned about counselling is that it helps for a short time but is useless in the long run. it just prolongs something that should not be prolonged.

So I went to a conference last week, and met a beautiful intelligent funny and clever bloke. I spent the entire conference in a blissful fugue of - well - lust tbh. It's been a gamechanger. It just reminded me how it was to be happy. Truly happy, both sexually and to be in comfort and amity with someone else. I haven't slept for four days and I am confused and muddled and I don't know who I am.

I don't even know if I feel guilty tbh. For years I have not had sex. I like sex, I remember that now. I do not know where to go from here.

OP posts:

BlissfullyIgnorant · 08/10/2013 20:55

Why are you still married if you're not even friends? Do you know your DCs will realise their parents hate each other?
What happened 12 years ago?

ThePinkOcelot · 08/10/2013 20:56

If it were me, I would be calling time on my marriage. This man has awakened feelings in you that have been buried for a long time. I wouldn't embark on an affair though. Have some time alone.

TiredDog · 08/10/2013 20:57

Petitioning for divorce can be done in your local family court...

Chocotrekkie · 08/10/2013 20:57

Why would you waste 12 years of your life ?

Wouldnt the kids will be happier with happy parents rather than staying together for them..

Liara · 08/10/2013 20:59

What do you mean you do not know where to go from here?

Sounds like your divorce was massively overdue anyway. If you haven't had sex for 12 years your children are teenagers, so 'staying together for the children', even if it ever did make sense, no longer does.

Time to get on with your life, isn't it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 21:00

This is probably the impetus you need to get out of this horrific marriage. I'm sure your DCs would be appalled to think you sacrificed 12 years of your life being miserable 'for them'. Suggest you talk to your DH and start working on turning a bad marriage into a good split. Good luck

Original poster

Playedaway · 08/10/2013 21:01

We just do not get on at all. We argue constantly. We have different values. Nothing dramatic happened 12 years ago. It is just that is the last time we had sex. His parents had a highly dysfunctional marriage. I really did not want to relive it. I am though and I am really unhappy with it.

OP posts:

cupcake78 · 08/10/2013 21:03

I don't understand why your still married? Is it just habit because it can't be anything else.

Please end your marriage and be happy again. Your life is so precious and goes by so fast. You owe it to yourself to be happy again.

Snapespeare · 08/10/2013 21:03

How old are DCs now?

Do you want them to be as unhappy as you are in their adult relationships? Because they will look to your marriage as an example.

Be free and be happy..not necessarily with or for conference bloke, but you deserve so much more than this half life!

Original poster

Playedaway · 08/10/2013 21:08

Yes, the kids are teenagers now. Old enough to understand and of course they have overheard so much shit. I know we are modelling a bad relationship for them. I do want to leave and live my own life tbh but the kids are happier with us together than with us apart. I keep thinking that it is only another 3 years before they leave and I can cope with that.

But I can't though.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 08/10/2013 21:09

I understand how you've ended up meeting somebody else I just think you should have ended the marriage years ago. I definitely think you should now. It sounds awful and us no way to live. You'll waste another 12 years and fuck your children up if you don't. Seriously. Think about it.

AnyFucker · 08/10/2013 21:11

Never mind what/who has finally turned your head, you should have left your marriage a long time ago.

TheCrumpetQueen · 08/10/2013 21:14

Why stay together for the kids if you're arguing (probably infront of them sometimes) constantly? Doesn't make sense.

Sounds like its time to move on and shag some nice blokes!

Ilovemyrabbits · 08/10/2013 21:14

I feel so sorry for you. I panic if I go 2 months without having sex with DH and we're both constantly knackered and my 12 year old tapped on our bedroom door when she was 10 and asked us to keep the noise down. So we're both a bit cautious now on the sexual adventures front. Personally, I couldn't live without the potential of sex and romance with my husband. I hope that we'll get that frisson back when DD leaves for uni!

You won't make the decision til you're ready, but deep down, you know what that decision has to be. I wish you luck and strength to either deal with what's currently happening or to make that break.

Original poster

Playedaway · 08/10/2013 21:15

Dh really disapproves of divorce. His parents had him late in life and were unhappy virtually all their married life but he genuinely thinks this is the norm. Really shitty unhappy relationships are totally the norm for DH.

OP posts:

Liara · 08/10/2013 21:16

How do you know the children are happier with you together than apart?

I have lived through numerous divorces as a child and I can guarantee that it is better than living with a dysfunctional couple.

By a long way.

Snapespeare · 08/10/2013 21:16

They might not leave in three years OP. it could be five years...or ten.

rainbowfeet · 08/10/2013 21:16

Life is so short & precious... Go forward & find happiness please.

AnyFucker · 08/10/2013 21:19

So, your kids will be able to afford their own place in 3 years will they ?

Think again

It doesn't matter what your H "approves" of either. This is your life, not his. If you want to split, then split, but quit with the Mummy Martyr Act, it does no-one any favours least of all your kids.

Hatpin · 08/10/2013 21:20

How do you know your kids would be happier with you together than apart?

I used to dream I would wake up one day and my parents were no longer together (as a teenager). I imagined a lovely life for my DM where she got to do what she wanted for a change, and maybe even someone who really loved her, like I thought she deserved.

alwaysneedaholiday · 08/10/2013 21:23

I have read on here before that children can find it just as upsetting when their parents split up as soon as they leave home, rather than earlier on. They can feel as if it has all been a lie. There is never a good time, but if you handle it well, they will be ok.

Do it now, and be happy. It's your life too.

Lucca22 · 08/10/2013 21:28

Men who demand sex when they can't show love and respect deserve everything they don't get.

Original poster

Playedaway · 08/10/2013 21:34

He doesn't demand sex. He has just moved out into the spare room (5 years ago). The one thing that I did absolutely not want. You are right. It was not a Mummy Martyr thing - it was just that I did not know what to do - I did not want to replicate DH's parents' marriage and hoped it would work ....

OP posts:

eggyhead · 08/10/2013 21:34

Move on.

Life is short. You are wasting it at the moment.

Liara · 08/10/2013 21:39

My dh always used to fantasise that his mother would leave his father, and become a bigger person. 40 years on, she still hasn't.

She has shrunken down to the size he wanted her at.

We don't really have a relationship with her any more.

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