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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have not had sex with my DH for 12 years

99 replies

Playedaway · 08/10/2013 20:49

Namechanged for this. Booble plate, MNOldies yada yada yada. Not trolling.

It just is not possible for me to have sex with my husband. Too many awful things have been said and done and my relationship with him is utterly pants. We have stayed together for the children. It has been hard. Frankly, it has been horrific. Please don't suggest counselling. We have done that three times and the one thing I have learned about counselling is that it helps for a short time but is useless in the long run. it just prolongs something that should not be prolonged.

So I went to a conference last week, and met a beautiful intelligent funny and clever bloke. I spent the entire conference in a blissful fugue of - well - lust tbh. It's been a gamechanger. It just reminded me how it was to be happy. Truly happy, both sexually and to be in comfort and amity with someone else. I haven't slept for four days and I am confused and muddled and I don't know who I am.

I don't even know if I feel guilty tbh. For years I have not had sex. I like sex, I remember that now. I do not know where to go from here.

OP posts:

worsestershiresauce · 08/10/2013 21:47

You're miserable so you slept with a bloke at a conference? Am I reading that right? Because when that comes out your kids will be really messed up.

Do the right thing by them and yourself, and leave now, with your dignity. Staying for the children puts a huge burden on them. I've seen more than one person on MN say that they felt personally responsible for the obvious misery of their mother, who stayed in an unhappy marriage 'for them'.

alarkaspree · 08/10/2013 21:48

Leave your marriage. You can divorce your husband even if he doesn't agree with divorce, you don't require his permission. And then you both have the chance of finding someone to be happy with, and modelling a successful marriage for your children instead. Or modelling how to be contentedly single.

Your dh's parents showed him how to be in unhappy relationships, and now he and you are doing the same for your children. I really think if you look at the big picture of their whole lives, they have a better chance of being happy if you and your dh are not together.

MortifiedAdams · 08/10/2013 21:52

My DM always says "better to be from a broken home than to live in one" and whilst I wouldnt use the expression 'broken home' I agree with the sentiment.

Staying together 'for the kids' is burdening them with the weight of responsibility and, frankly, allows them.to.think this is how a relationship should be.

I would be devastated if my dd ended up in a relationship like this, and even more so if she thought this is what one should do

MortifiedAdams · 08/10/2013 21:52

because of.me.

blueberryupsidedown · 08/10/2013 21:55

Oh dear, I don't feel sorry for you because you sound like someone who knows what you want and you don't need people to feel sorry for you, but I do hear you.

I think that you sound like a very honest women and you would feel much better with yourself if you would leave your marriage. I am all for 'working it out' but really, 12 YEARS! Go for it babes, if you feel it, just do it! Sometimes, you just have to think of the target, and how you get there sorts itself out. Take care.

ithaka · 08/10/2013 21:55

I don't understand why you are still in the marriage - no sex and you aren't friends? It is hardly a marriage. You have explained your DH's reasons for not wanting a divorce, but I cannot understand how you think this facade, with dad in the spare room, is good for your children.

My FIL wanted to leave my MIL, but persuaded himself it was his duty to stay. It is a huge sadness to my DH, that his dad died unfulfilled and unhappy because he was not brave enough to break away. You don't get points for staying in such a non - relationship, it is achieving nothing.

I speak as someone with a long marriage who really values it. I would not value the relationship you describe, because you clearly realise it has no value. So again - why are you still in the marriage?

thegreylady · 08/10/2013 22:01

Dh and I haven't had sex for at least that long. We are blissfully happy and love each other very much. Your problem is not lack of sex, it is mutual lack of love. You need to leave him asap.

Original poster

Playedaway · 08/10/2013 22:07

Fairly unanimous verdict from the MN jury.

The kids have seen us at the point of breaking up more than once and each time has caused them distress - which neither of us want - but this scenario is just ridiculous.

I am not holding a candle for the man at the conference. It's just that he reminded me that there is a different way of being. I hate living with discord. It makes me unhappy.

OP posts:

Kundry · 08/10/2013 22:10

It's a big responsibility to place on your kids - they will either feel responsible for you splitting up and believe they shouldn't have let home, or guilty when they realise you stayed unhappy for 12 years plus, just for them. And if you think they will suddenly be adult at 18 and not mind about the divorce, you have massively overestimated the maturity of the average 18-yr-old.

Please leave now, not later.

Unlikelyamazonian · 08/10/2013 22:27

Both you and your 'husband' are lazy and selfish.

And cruel to your kids.

unidentifiedflyingobject · 08/10/2013 22:38

Breaking up is distressing for everyone and you've seen a sniff of that. But beyond breaking up is the possibility of real happiness, for everyone - no guarantees... But a shot at it at least. Ending this very unhappy marriage shows your children something really important - that you can change things and that nobody has to put up with a shit situation. You will be doing them a bigger favour demonstrating strength and wisdom than accepting some grim fate.

My then twelve year old absolutely understood why I left my marriage. She lived it and saw it all with crystal clear vision. She also has a great relationship with her dad. The two are not mutually exclusive and teenagers are smarter and wiser than you think. I also wish my parents had split up before they did because I lived through four years of utter misery as a teenager.

You actually know all this though don't you?

olathelawyer05 · 08/10/2013 22:58

"...Men who demand sex when they can't show love and respect deserve everything they don't get."

I never fail to be intrigued by those who read and comment on things that nobody has said...

Corygal · 08/10/2013 22:59

Blimey, amazonian, that's a little strong.

Get out of the marriage - the children can't be young any more.

Lweji · 08/10/2013 23:22

It seems like lack of sex is the least of the problems in your marriage.

Ultimately, your children will accept it, although the longer you leave it the worst it gets.
Once they see happy parents separated, they will be happier too.
And I suspect the stress of almost breaking up was what made them unhappier.
Uncertainty is much worse than the break up itself.

And you don't need his permission.
You can get out because you want to.

dementedma · 08/10/2013 23:29

amazonian...do fuck off will you?
To all those throwing up their arms in horror and tell in OP to leave her husband.... have you done it? Found the courage, the confidence, the money, the place to live, the destruction of the family, the child care, the access, the approbation of the wider families, the emotional blackmail, the guilt, the fear...?
yeah OP, Leave the bastard. It's easy, according to MN

MortifiedAdams · 08/10/2013 23:36

No, I havent done it. I havent needed to. But I would. Life is short and precious. I would.not stay in this sort of relationship.

unidentifiedflyingobject · 08/10/2013 23:39

demented - I did yes

BillyBanter · 08/10/2013 23:45

''I'm so glad my parents stayed together even though they were miserable and fought all the time''

said no grown up children of unhappily married parents ever.

Parents splitting up is distressing. It's a difficult time for all involved but it is possible to handle it with minimal distress and once the dust has settled there is time to heal and build a new model of family life. Watching your parents teeter along the cliff edge of divorce on and off for years doesn't allow for the distress to pass.

Hatpin · 08/10/2013 23:49

Yes demented, I''ve done it too.

itwasarubythatshewore · 08/10/2013 23:52

dementedma I'm not telling OP (or anyone else) to LTB, but yeah I have. Lots of people have. I'm not sure what your point is. Are you suggesting that the way the OP has been living has been easy?

Lweji · 08/10/2013 23:53

Here too, demented.

When I had to leave, it was surprisingly easy. I just did it and then handled whatever I had to afterwards.

With hindsight, I should have done it years before.

Hatpin · 09/10/2013 00:02

I agree, once the decision was made to go our separate ways, it all became very straightforward.

It was the years of unhappiness and indecision beforehand that was the really hard, depressing part.

MushroomSoup · 09/10/2013 00:18

I agree! Made the decision very very quickly. Upped and left. Dealt with everything as it arised.
Very happy now!

eyebrowsfurrowed · 09/10/2013 00:27

Please please don't stay together 'for the kids' as one of these kids it's the worst thing you can possibly do. Daughters (and sons i'm sure too) want to see a happy proactive, protective and up standing mother who won't suffer fools gladly and take her own positive steps to happiness. I have begged my mum to divorce my dad for years and out of pride she won't even though she hates him.

Coincidently I have very recently become a single parent, because of all the stupid shit from ExP I have had to put up with, deception, alcohol, drugs and women. Coincidence... perhaps not.

BillyBanter · 09/10/2013 01:28

And that is a very good point. Your DH's parents modelled relationships for him and now you both are modelling relationships for your children. Is this the quality of relationship you want for them when they are adults?

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