I had no sex for the last 10 years of my marriage, with him since i was 17, 2 kids with him, 3rd and older one that was the result of a teenage one night stand ( I was 15 year old virgin ) so grateful anyone wanted me with a child in tow, he was 7 years older and in my childish mind so grown up.
He turned into a cluster head fuck, ea abuse accusing me of countless affairs, me being a tease, men looking at me, during a fantasy session one night he wanted to have sex with my then 15 years old and very underage sister...
He isolated me from family and friends, then i had "our kids", went to leave after a row one night, his sister locked me in a room and told me if i left she wud take my kids off me and i wudn't get them back, I was under 22, no formal education, no money, no family support so I stayed.. I was broken emotionally by then so I stayed..
Got PG once again, (was on pill and antibiotic and he knew and I warned him I would get pg, and so I did and he refused to acknowledge pregnancy until I had a threatened miscarriage at 3 months. He was all over me then, but something inside me died after that.
I stopped sleeping with him then although we shared a bed, our eldest sons communion night I got drunk, woke up to find him having sex with me while I was passed out, another part of me died. He went into business for himself as a handyman, came home with crabs,( I didn't have them as wasn't intimate with him) I evicted him from the bed at that point, onto the sofa. I had worked nights for years to this point, so when I got into bed he got out, huge relief there....
While he was on sofa I swore to him one night that was it for me with men, as I was sickened by it all, 10 years passed and I went to online swinging sites, met several men, my sex drive came back, I felt adored and wanted and special, and met someone i wanted to see more of ( so did man in question) so i told ex straight away.
He flipped began stalking me, recording me, threatening me. We went to mediation, he lied during it, finally it dawned on me he wasn't leaving the house, so I did. It meant leaving my kids who refused to move, they were 15 and 14, and to this day they barely talk to me...Daddy has filled their heads with lies and nastiness. I miss them less and less as time goes by, it was awful going from a full time mother to nothing...an empty space, as if they had died..Be easier at times if they did...The older one sees me, its all such a mess, I regret not having the courage to leave years before, my kids have been damaged anyway, regardless of the fact I tried to stay to keep it all "normal" for them...In hindsight I would change everything, never have met him, ran away screaming when the flags started showing (my sister), , the fact he woudn't wash before sex, nor brush teeth, the accusations of affairs, the refusing to talk to me as a punishment...The fact he had crabs, I thought I was so brave waiting for my youngest to reach 18, ultimate martyr that I was...I never made the 18 years, I discovered the anger building inside me was deadly and every time he walked thru the doors I fantasied about him dying painfully, it was time to get out then...
Now I wish I had done it sooner, not been so afraid, spared my kids and myself the misery, I was afraid to lose them, and guess what, I did anyway...Yes I have my freedom but at a huge personal price..
18th bithdays, 21st's have come and gone and I am not asked to any, in fact they have told me I am not welcome, I walk a tightrope with them, never knowing what way to turn.I guess its easy to blame it all on me, the sad bit is I would never have isolated him from his kids, we had a rotten marriage, he was not a great dad, but he was still their dad,...For 5 years I have cried over what I have lost, now it doesn't seem real anymore, all pictures of them out of date and put away, how do I explain any of this to friends, so I don't talk about them. I once was so proud of them,would have died for them, did anything for them, now they are strangers to me ...
Don't live your life for other people, don't wait for a lightbulb moment, walk away with your pride and dignity intact, its only a house, a ring, a marriage and if its not a happy one, leave...Before your kids suffer as mine did..There is so much I haven't disclosed here as it will out me in real life, screw his parents, your parents, other peoples opinions, live life for you, for today and let tomorrow take care of itself....and most of all be happy.
There is happiness at the end of divorce, but someone always suffers, I never thought that would be me...