Cheating on a boyfriend - throw a stone into a pool...

[itried]

DD is the cheat. She has lost her long term bf, a lovely guy who did not deserve her having drunken sex with a.n.other. He is devastated. Their friends have rallied round him. She cannot face any of them. Her girlfriends are shocked and unsympathetic to her. Dozens of people are in some way affected.

I have let her know how appalled I am - there is no justification. The best I can say is that she must learn by it. I have also asked her how she might feel when ex bf is seen around with someone new. I am standing by with tissues and home truths.

So passé to talk about reputation but she may now find out what it is like to be regarded as an easy lay. I will miss her bf - I had grown very fond of him. Unexpectedly, I am in the Slough (sorry, Slough dwellers) of Despond.

So, to all of you who might be tempted to cheat - actions have consequences of which you don't even dream. I am not thinking that I went wrong, I am thinking of her lack of judgement and caring. If you are tired of your gf/bf/dh/dw/dp I beg of you to do anything other than get into bed with someone else. Doesn't apply to swingers, but most of us would be in torment, like my daughter's ex, to imagine our partners in bed with someone else.

In a way I would hope that it was the dad posting.

I don't think it matters how old she is or how long they were together. I think the op's reaction is totally out of order whether the dd is 40 and been married for 20 years or 18 and been with her bf for 2. Completely out of order.

Or whether the op is the mother or father...

I've not assumed any of those things in my posts.

I just think the dd should be entitled to expect support from her own parents.

Out of order but if the dd is 40 and been together for 20 years then yes, the repercussions would upset people more than if she was 20 and been together 2 years. However, I agree the tone and language used is out of order whatever the circumstances.

I see the op has not returned

Nope maybe we were the pool for the stone a PP said.

"I am not thinking that I went wrong, I am thinking of her lack of judgement and caring."

What a very strange thing to say...

(that was meant to be italicised)

There was no mention of house or children so I'm guessing the OP's daughter is quite young. I have no idea why "dozens of people" would be affected by her splitting up with her boyfriend - isn't having flings when you're young what (nearly) everyone does? I don't think it is up to the OP to be supportive or otherwise because it really is none of her/his business.

You need the ^ to be outside the punctuation or separated from it by a space, caramelwaffle .

I think the OP lives in a tiny village, somewhere in the 1950's, where swinging is obviously known and accepted but otherwise every female is meant to pair up with one man from adolescence. Why would their friends be so involved? Is the man doing the manipulative drama queen act as well as the mother/father/whatever?

My guess is that she has been fed up with the long term boyfriend for a while and trying to end it, and he hasn't been listening. Meanwhile the mother/father/whatever is wedding planning, in cohoots with the long term boyfriend. They are trying to make the OP feel guilty and shame her into taking back the long term boyfriend.

Quite possibly they planned to show her these posts, full of comments from mumsnetters saying "tut tut, don't you know how luck you are to have a nice boyfriend?"

Obviously that one didn't work out. Bad judgement, OP.

OP's DD- run, run over the hills and escape!

Oh, and I think the "Slough" reference is a literary reference to the TS Eliot poem with the line "Come, friendly bombs, fall on Slough" - really rather distasteful if that is the case, since what has happened is hardly comparable to wartime.

oh come on they were teenagers dating, they are not married with children

yeah her behaviour wasnt great but it will all be forgotten about in a few weeks

i think you are being a bit hard on her, as are her "friends"

Look out, everyone, for the "other side of the coin" post in a few days: My DS cheated on his long term GF...

littlemiss it was Betjeman, not that it matters, it was hardly relevant in the OP's nasty and incoherent post!

mistyshouse "oh come on they were teenagers dating"

How do you know that?

Ah OK thanks Helpyourself. Always good to know.

Having an affair is a big deal, but I'm slightly bemused at the melodramatic spin put on it in the OP and the way in which it is framed as affecting the mum.

Some people are out-and-out selfish twats. Most people who affairs are not. They are just silly, misguided, lacking in self awareness, temporarily selfish, lacking in boundaries, or whatever. Horribly disappointing and hurtful for the betrayed partners, but it is rarely done with an intention to hurt.

It is possible to love and support someone without saying what they've done is ok. Sometimes the best way to help someone become a better person is to support that person when they first meet the consequences of their behaviour, rather than letting them drown in them. As a partner, that's not a role you can undertake in terms of an affair, but as a parent it most certainly is.

Your DD needs reassurance that she is still a good person who is worthy of love and respect, because without knowing those two things about herself, she could just accept that this is the way she is and not attempt to change for the better. Show her that it was her behaviour that was at fault, not her, and help her to reach a point where her behaviour matches her sense of self.

Lots of teens get drunk. I certainly did. Lots of people have drunken sex. Nothing wrong with that either. Your DD having drunken sex with "a.n.other" is something worth discussing more deeply with her though. Did she use protection? The fact that she was 'discovered' could suggest it was a risky experience rather than a mutually enjoyable one. Was there any level of coercion involved or any sign that she isn't valuing herself as highly as she should be in terms of personal safety? If there is any suggestion that this was anything other than a mutually enjoyable drunken shag that she engaged with out of poor judgement, she should be helped to explore that.

So you've discovered your daughter is human and you are now flaming her, as has been said, you sound a barrel of support.

Have looked at your posts on other threads (hope that's not breaking any rules) and seen that your DD is 18.

Surely at that age, she is still learning how to conduct herself, and has discovered for herself the repercussions of her recent mistake?

As her mother, I would be making lots of tea and cake and just letting her talk, without any harsh judgment from you, but reassurance that everyone makes mistakes, it's not the end of the world etc.

She has messed up, true. But what she needs from those who love her is tea and sympathy, and a shoulder to cry on. I have DDs a bit older than this, and I hope they will always talk to me about what has gone wrong in their lives, as I am their mother and will ALWAYS be on their side in life.

If other people are judging her and have stopped speaking to her, she needs to know that her mum is always on her side and will help her get past this.

I bet that if the OP was writing about a son who had drunken sex and cheated on his long term girlfriend, of whom is mother was very fond, there would be no sympathy for him whatsoever.

sorry, i misread the OP and thought i had read they were teens

Thanks Annie

And yes, I agree; wait three days or so for the reverse, or reverse genders, post.

This particular opening post is...odd, most melodramatic as Dahlen says, seeing as the daughter is 18.

Did you write this op,, grunt ?

BS grunt.

A gleeful post about a teenage son who was going through this trauma and had lost friends because of a drunken teenage mistake would get the same scorn.