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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating on a boyfriend - throw a stone into a pool...

86 replies

itried · 08/10/2013 07:19

DD is the cheat. She has lost her long term bf, a lovely guy who did not deserve her having drunken sex with a.n.other. He is devastated. Their friends have rallied round him. She cannot face any of them. Her girlfriends are shocked and unsympathetic to her. Dozens of people are in some way affected.

I have let her know how appalled I am - there is no justification. The best I can say is that she must learn by it. I have also asked her how she might feel when ex bf is seen around with someone new. I am standing by with tissues and home truths.

So passé to talk about reputation but she may now find out what it is like to be regarded as an easy lay. I will miss her bf - I had grown very fond of him. Unexpectedly, I am in the Slough (sorry, Slough dwellers) of Despond.

So, to all of you who might be tempted to cheat - actions have consequences of which you don't even dream. I am not thinking that I went wrong, I am thinking of her lack of judgement and caring. If you are tired of your gf/bf/dh/dw/dp I beg of you to do anything other than get into bed with someone else. Doesn't apply to swingers, but most of us would be in torment, like my daughter's ex, to imagine our partners in bed with someone else.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 08:32

And the OP identifies 'us' with the DD's ex being in torment .... Hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 08:33
MrsWolowitz · 08/10/2013 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helpyourself · 08/10/2013 08:46

How old is she? No kids? I don't understand your gleefulness. Your loyalty is to your daughter not the boyfriend. You sound way too invested in him not her.

RaspberrySchnapps · 08/10/2013 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/10/2013 08:58

How totally bizarre?! Sure I wouldn't be chuffed if my dd cheated on a boyfriend. I'd tell her she had been unkind but to be honest if they weren't married/ living together/ children involved I'd be telling her to move on and learn a lesson.
Oh...and if anyone ever used the term 'easy lay' in regards to my dd, I'd be throwing a punch for the first time on my non violent life. Cannot believe you actually used the term yourself. Vile.

glastocat · 08/10/2013 09:00

I was a right little shagger when I was young, and yes, I two timed my first serious boyfriend before dumping him when I went to uni. Thank god my mother never passed judgement! I have been with my husband for 22 years now, and always faithful, but look back in fondness at sewing my wild oats. Like others have said, she wasn't married, there were no kids involved, no harm done. And Ffs, easy lay, really? It is 2013 you know!

OneStepCloser · 08/10/2013 09:03

Blimey, your support should be with your DD, I am sure she could do with it.

I`m sure its great that you liked her bf, but dont you think she should come first? She hasnt killed anyone, I dont understand why her friends are being so harsh either, why, whats it to them?

Poor girl, made a mistake (as youngsters do) and seems as though the whole world is ganging up on her.

CatelynStark · 08/10/2013 09:09

I couldn't care less if my daughters shagged a rugby team as long as they were happy and healthy - they'd still be the most amazing, wonderful, precious women ever - because you know, we're not living in 1820!

JourneyThroughLife · 08/10/2013 09:14

I think many of you are being harsh on the OP. Where does it sound as though she's gleeful? I think she's horrified and very sad.
I'm with you on this OP. Cheating is cheating and it affects lots of people. It's still cheating even if you're young, not married etc. I'm sure you're standing by your daughter but gently pointing out some home truths and imparting some solid values. And I can understand how you might miss a long-term boyfriend too. My own daughter was dating for some years and they were nearly married until it all fell apart. We had welcomed her bf into the family and he already felt like a son-in-law, and I really missed him when it all broke up, he was part of the family.
Stick to your values and continue to impart them to your daughter...if we all kept to some traditional values, relationships might be less of a minefield for all of us...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 09:15

Do you think... perhaps... the pool the stone is being thrown into is the MN pool?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 09:18

"I am standing by with tissues and home truths."

That's pretty gleeful stuff.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 08/10/2013 09:22

I feel for your daughter.

And I condemn you for this alone: 'she may now find out what it is like to be regarded as an easy lay.'

Young women should not have to grow up in a world that thinks like this, and they sure as hell shouldn't hear their own parents trotting it out.

Offred · 08/10/2013 09:26

Journey - yes that has certainly proven to be true in the past(!)

Jeez, "traditional values" basically women should be chaste, accommodating, tolerant and put up with bad behaviour from men, if the relationship goes wrong it is the woman's job to fix it, women don't need to enjoy sex and are essentially frigid for not being satisfied with a penis. Yes, it makes things much less complicated if women are subjugated! Not sure that's the best idea though.

Relationships between equals are complicated. People often cheat. People often make mistakes of all kinds but what sorts people into strong and weak character/moral fibre is how they deal with their mistakes IMHO.

Seems to me the dd has obviously been honest with her bf and is taking responsibility for doing something hurtful, although the suggestion of drunkenness would concern me as drinking reduces capacity for consent and i might be concerned for her in this element, but for her honesty and responsibility I would applaud her and be very proud.

Telling her she's going to get a reputation as an easy lay, really awful. Especially if what has actually happened is she has been assaulted while too drunk to consent.

HairyGrotter · 08/10/2013 09:28

Traditional values?!

Yeah, they've seen us women treated fairly for centuries Confused

Offred · 08/10/2013 09:32

And I think it is extremely ill advised to ever get attached to a child's bf/gf. I wouldn't say advisable even with a spouse. They should be seen as an extension of your relationship with dc, not your own family relation otherwise you end up in situations like these where you destroy your dc self esteem by valuing someone who is nothing to you over your own dc.

Katnisscupcake · 08/10/2013 09:33

I'm holding judgement on this until the OP can confirm some more details.

It doesn't say anywhere that the OP's daughter is young, she could be 36!! The long-term could be that they've been together 15 years and have a mortgage together and even potentially DC (although unusual that the OP hasn't mentioned them).

I would still say OP that your comments are a little harsh. But any further comment that I want to make will be dependent on what I've mentioned above...

Writerwannabe83 · 08/10/2013 09:35

I don't have children but I imagine that if I did and my daughter had made the same mistake as the one you describe I would probably be initially surprised but then can't imagine wanting to do anything but tell her I love her, let her know that I'm there for her and give her a really, really big hug. I'd let her know that she had support from me, unconditional love from me and that I would help her move on from this. I certainly wouldn't be taking the attitude of being disgusted with her and disappointed in her which is the impression you give. As has been said, your daughter is your priority, not her boyfriend.

WiddleAndPuke · 08/10/2013 09:41

Who is "affected" though, really?

Loads of people KNOW about it, yeah. They're probably all having a marvellous time gossiping about it but I doubt it's blighting any lives other than - at the moment - the cheated on BF.

Life goes on. I think you're overreacting a bit.

Fenton · 08/10/2013 09:42

I would be very, very careful how you handle this. She has lost all her friends and she is humiliated, she will be feeling exceedingly low and hopeless now, - she will feel like it's the end of the world.

A bit of warmth and understanding from someone she loves wouldn't go a miss.

Cabrinha · 08/10/2013 09:52

What a cow you are! Hope she sees you for what you are from this.
She did a bad thing.
Dozens are NOT affected.
As for the bit about you not doing anything wrong - you're one of those "it's all about me" mothers, aren't you?

Here's a thought for you: maybe your daughter struggles to maintain a good relationship and sabotages it because the first relationship she should have learned, between a mother and a child was crap because her mum's a self centred type?

Anniegetyourgun · 08/10/2013 10:00

Hmm... a lot of assumptions here. Like, that the daughter is young for example. She could be 40! (And, as someone else already said, that it's the mother posting here - but I would have assumed that one too.)

Agree with (nearly) everyone about the hideously outdated, sexist viewpoint though.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/10/2013 10:03

actions have consequences of which you don't even dream

Really!!????
Well I can tell you now that an awful lot of us on here know exactly thanks very much.
And lots of us had children involved etc... And very long term marriages!!!
And for sure the fallout for most of us was a lot worse than you are describing in your OP.

Go away - find some compassion and give your DD the support she probably really needs right now!

Fairylea · 08/10/2013 10:06

I agree with the others.

You're being way too harsh on your dd. She shouldn't have cheated but generally people don't cheat if everything is rosy at home, you don't know her side of things, and even if everything was good, people do make mistakes.

Much too harsh op.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/10/2013 10:19

Op, are you going to tell us how old she is and how long they've been together? How entwined were their lives? Did they have financial commitments together?