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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone just hold my hand and remind me of what to do please?

70 replies

toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:21

Yesterday my dh told me that he is having an affair, which has been going on for two months, with a member of staff at a place where he used to work. I found out at the same time that the OW was asking if he was "still leaving tonight?", and that was the first I knew about any of it. Things haven't been great between us as we have young children and he told me that he doesn't resent how much I love them and give to them, but that it has meant that I don't have enough affection left for him. That's probably true, but I hoped that things would get back on track when out youngest starts nursery and I go back to work in January after five years of looking after the children day in day out.

I suppose I'm just in shock. I don't know what I'm meant to do now. The children have been really good to me tonight, and compliant, but I don't want them to have to be on best behaviour because daddy's a and has left us alone (I haven't said this). I never wanted to be left or to be a single mother, and now I just find that's my life and I can't do anything about it.

What do you do to get through this, and not keep crying? I've been stifling tears all day and I've got to function for the sake of the children. Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 21:25

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. How utterly cruel & selfish of him to blame this on you 'not giving him enough affection'... miserable lying bugger. It is horrible to have your life turned upside down when you've done nothing whatsoever to deserve it. Do you have any friends or family you can call on for support? Have you told anyone IRL what's happened?

Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:29

Thank you so much for replying. I feel so alone. This minute I'm going through people in my head I could phone, but I don't feel like I can just call up anyone and start sobbing. My mum and dad came around today and were great, and I felt a bit stronger then, but now I'm in the house on my own and it's terribly quiet and things just keep occurring to me about what my life is like now.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 07/10/2013 21:33

A day at a time...honestly stopped me from going mad. Only worry about things that you can control and take a day at a time. An hour at a time if you have to. Be kind to yourself. Eat properly if you can and tell people who will support you fully. X

Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:33

I told ds's school this morning because I wanted them to phone me to collect him if he happened to be upset, but he was ok thankfully. Until this evening, just before ds's bedtime he texted asking to say goodnight to ds, which then set him off into questioning where daddy is now. So thoughtless and selfish, like you say. I told him so.

OP posts:
PTFsWife · 07/10/2013 21:34

Talk to someone in real life. Don't make any decisions about anything right now. Try to eat. Try to sleep. Read Shirley Glass's book 'not just friends'. Don't stifle the tears. Let them out.

If he is still at home, ask him to leave to give you space to recover from the shock. Do not blame yourself.

Sending you strength. X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 21:34

It is when you're by yourself and you have time to think that everything can get overwhelming. I'm so sorry. Are you sure none of your RL friends would take your call? Even your Mum and Dad would love to talk to you again, I'm sure. Or you could stay here.... I've a cup of tea, a custard cream and not much on at the moment :)

Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:38

Thanks mamma. Did you tell people generally? I have a coffee morning with school mums this week, some of whom are quite good friends, and I do want to go as I need some company, and my dd plays with their dds, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to hold it together. It was only the weekend before that we all went out to dinner and I was saying how good my dh is to the children. I don't want to be having a public meltdown.

Right now the weirdest thing is not having anyone to talk about the smallest things from today to. Dh always commentated on the tv, and I quite liked it - it was our joint activity. I know that sounds sad, and I guess that's why he's now with a more exciting woman Sad

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 07/10/2013 21:41

It does get better I promise and you feel less teary less often.
At the moment you are in the just got to keep getting up each morning and working your way through the day phase. The day will come when it is not quite so hard to get up.
You are not to blame for this, your relationship may have had it's problems, but he is the one who choose this path. As time goes on you will probably be able to reflect on your relationship and see this for yourself.
In a few months time you will look back and see just how far you have come and have you have achieved. This in turn will help you to look forward and make a new life for yourself.
Right now be brave, get some good legal advice so you know what you are entitled to.
Come over to lone parents and you will meet lots of others trying to put their best foot forward.

Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:42

Thank you so much Cogito and PTFs. He's gone. He was planning to go last night but some things went wrong in the house so he stayed, and left for work in the morning, and didn't come back. He's asked if he can come back every day to do bath time, but I feel like that's having your cake and eating it, as he'll be going back straight after, and it's confusing for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:43

Sorry if I'm not making sense. Couldn't sleep last night. Will have to go to bed soon to get through tomorrow I suppose.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 21:43

Please don't beat yourself up that you weren't exciting enough or this enough or that enough. It only adds to the misery and does nothing for your battered self-esteem. Select who you tell and what you say carefully. You need people to rally round but you don't want to feed the gossip-mongers.

Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:46

Thanks lonecat. That sounds optimistic. I didn't want a new life, and I feel like my old one's been stolen. But I know I've got to deal with it. I'll come over to Lone Parents. 36 hours ago I didn't have a clue I'd need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:47

Yes that's it - I don't want to be the gossip. I want to protect my children from all of that. That's a hard line to tread.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 21:47

Definitely a big no to bath time. It's not good for the DCs and you don't want him swanning in and out of your home like he still belongs there. Very upsetting. Tell him you'll think about a contact schedule once you're over the shock. He was part of your life and abused the privilege.... now he has to shut up and get what he's given. You're in charge now.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 07/10/2013 21:54

I am very sorry.

Maybe contacting a solicitor to protect your DCs assets. / put contact order in place? It seems like your H has been thinking of his exit route for a little while. It may be good for someone to think of protecting you.

AllabouttheE · 07/10/2013 21:57

Too sad this was me 9 short weeks ago.
Similar age children too.

I have gotten through it one day at a time, slowly. Next to
Hit will be anger, all at him. Yell at him but in a dignified way!

The children keep you busy each day and you will get through. Mine didn't sleep too well at first, it took about 8 weeks, they have nightmares and don't settle in the evening. But this week has been much better.

I told a couple of good friends and asked them to tell others bare bones. I said to tell them I will talk about it when I'm ready. This has kept the hounds of gossip at bay.

Don't think to the future it's too much. One small tiny day at a time.

Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:58

Just on phone to SIL xx

OP posts:
CailinDana · 07/10/2013 22:01

I disagree about holding back so as not to be a source of gossip. Being open about it makes it a non-story IME plus it means that those who want to support you can because they know what's going on. Of course it's best to do what feels right for you but I think trying to keep it a secret only builds a feeling of shame around the whole thing. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nor do your children.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 07/10/2013 22:03

I'm sorry to hear about this x

What helped me was sorting all of the practical things out. I called about child tax credits, changed the council tax to lone residency and got advice from a solicitor. She gave really excellent advice to get as much as I could signed over asap and prior to divorce. He had offered me lots, presumably as he felt so guilty and she explained that would quickly change so I needed to act on it asap. He signed over his equity in the house and the better car to me etc.

Being a single parent is actually very rewarding when you get used to the idea

Lonecatwithkitten · 07/10/2013 22:11

I know you don't want a new life I didn't either. But further down the track you will see that you need to make a new life.

For me I needed to meet new people who hadn't known me in my old life.
I very much kept my own council and only told a very few people. That was the right thing for me. I never shouted or screamed - I later discovered this drives OW mad that no matter want antics she and ExH pull I remain calm and dignified.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 22:14

Not suggesting she keeps it secret CailinDana... just to be selective about the details. 'He left me for someone else' would do the trick.

FunnyRunner · 07/10/2013 22:16

OP I don't normally post on these threads but I'm so sorry :( Your H is a cock. Definitely a no to the nightly baths. He left; now he needs to fit into YOUR life. And agree with getting assets secured asap. You can be sure the OW is not thinking about you or your children.

Take care of yourself x

MissStrawberry · 07/10/2013 22:19

How big of him not to resent how much you love your children Hmm.

You are stronger than you think.

Definitely no to bath time and tbh you can no say no to anything at all that you don't want to agree too for whatever reason.

Original poster
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 22:20

I'll do one at a time as I can't hold a thought in my head- Yes Frequent, it does appear that he's had a good time of planning this bolt from the blue for me. I will get in contact with a family solicitor if that's the right thing.

That's really helpful allabout, and I'm so sorry this happened to you too.

Cogito, after dh came off the phone with ds this evening, ds started asking how long it was until the weekend (when he is expecting to see dh), and that it will be too long, and feeling upset. Should I let him see him before then? It feels cruel to keep them apart because I'm angry.

Cailin I don't know how much control I will have over speaking about it, as I don't possess a very good stiff upper lip and may crumble on being asked how I am.

Thanks nopanic. That sounds familiar actually - he's offering everything, but I did say that I fear that the OW will make him change his loyalties fairly quickly, so I'd better get it set in contract fast, like you say.

I've got to go to bed as the room is spinning, but thank you so much for your help Thanks x

OP posts:
CailinDana · 07/10/2013 22:21

Sorry Cogito I know my post came across that way. What I meant was being open about the fact that he left for another woman, as you say, rather than just saying "we've split up."

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