Can anyone just hold my hand and remind me of what to do please?

[toosadforwords]

Yesterday my dh told me that he is having an affair, which has been going on for two months, with a member of staff at a place where he used to work. I found out at the same time that the OW was asking if he was "still leaving tonight?", and that was the first I knew about any of it. Things haven't been great between us as we have young children and he told me that he doesn't resent how much I love them and give to them, but that it has meant that I don't have enough affection left for him. That's probably true, but I hoped that things would get back on track when out youngest starts nursery and I go back to work in January after five years of looking after the children day in day out.

I suppose I'm just in shock. I don't know what I'm meant to do now. The children have been really good to me tonight, and compliant, but I don't want them to have to be on best behaviour because daddy's a and has left us alone (I haven't said this). I never wanted to be left or to be a single mother, and now I just find that's my life and I can't do anything about it.

What do you do to get through this, and not keep crying? I've been stifling tears all day and I've got to function for the sake of the children. Sorry it's long.

He was probably thinking that your extra money would mean he would have to pay you less. He wan't thinlkng about the DC's or how childcare would work. Stupid selfish man.

Yes, it's horrible when you realise things like this. All the things which have been carefully planned but I didn't spot.

You are doing brilliantly OP. I agree that your DH probably thought he was cleverly getting himself off the hook financially. If you are going for an appointment with the solicitor try and get some advice about this. You might find it is possible to get a job share for example which will allow you to get your foot back in the door at work. Hang in there.

What an arse!

Toosad, would the employer consider 4 days? Or even 3 days building up to full time? Don't give the job up straight away. Maybe mull it over. My dd's had never been in nursery before and I returned to my job after maternity leave two months after my xp/twunt left. It felt such a big change and like my life was going to change massively...reality is the nursery is fantastic, the girls love it and I actually get a bit of a break at work!!! Tax credits will help with the cost.
If its a good job it might be invaluable to you in the next few years. Could you maybe put off speaking to them for a few weeks at least?
X

And yes, yes, yes to the "what can I fix next?" Approach....grab this situation with both hands and fight it head on. You're doing so bloody well. Hats off to you abney! X

Toosad, in my view a bit of financial independence is what you should work towards. I would see if you can negotiate with the employer, if I were you.

I also think the 'break' from kids is important to mental health if you can negotiate something like a gradual ease into f/t. Kids are very resilient and 3 months is actually a long time for them to get used to this (look how far they've come already).

How old are your children, sorry i can't remember.

I think the job might be good for you as it will make you less isolated, give you more financial independence and opportunities, meet people etc.

I can see why you are reluctant though.

Oh you are all so supportive! Thank you. And thanks for the lurkish hand-holding, footle, my friend

Brain totally wiped out this evening - this is the first one alone where dd kept springing back up for an hour and a half, and it was a mental battle not to lose it tonight. They'd been up since pre-6am after a broken night, and didn't go to bed until quarter to nine, by which point I was weary to say the least... Dd has just turned 3 and is due to start nursery in January, and ds is 5 and at school.

The job I had accepted has to be full-time- I'd queried that, but I had a phone call from their HR dept. today asking me to come in tomorrow to interview for another part-time role. I'm not certain if they'd be hoping to integrate the roles to keep f/t, but I'm more certain than ever that it will have to be p/t or not at all, so I'll wait and see what they say and just be honest. Massively hoping it will be just the p/t and that they'll forgive me for not doing the job I'd accepted. I do need to work a small p/t to cover the nursery costs for dd.

Seeing lawyer tmw so will sound him out on it all.

Anyway, that is a late night ramble, but I really just came on to say thank you for all of the encouragement

Hi toosad
I posted earlier in thread as my twunt walked out on me in August. Our children are same ages more or less.

I came back to say that I work part time, earn about £22k and children are with childminder. Tax Credits pretty much meet my childcare costs fully so please do consider this.

I don't know what I would have done without my job. Sanity and friends, and keeping busy! When I'm not working I spend really quality time with the children and keeping house on my own fills a lot of hours too.

If I wasn't so busy I think I would have completely fallen apart with the distress of it all.

Twunt is giving me money, but who knows how long for so the job is vital.

Hugs

Yes, mine are 15 months and 3 so paying for 2 lots of nursery in London. Work 3 days and tax credits cover the cost pretty much. Don't forget they get 15 hours free when they're 3.

Hope you're ok and that it's good news about the p/t position
X

Thanks mamma and allabout. Yes it was good news on the p/t job front so I've been very fortunate in that.

Things have gone sour with exH as I've heard more dreadful things that he'd lied about. I'm in a quandary about contact as he was meant to be visiting tmorrow but neither of the children wants to see him, and knowing that he's even less trustworthy and even more selfish and deceitful than I'd gathered, I just don't feel right forcing him upon them. It feels to me like while he's under the influence of another woman who has such a poor grasp of the need to prioritise your children above your selfish desires, he's really lost the ability to be a decent father, and my children have suffered enough. They're happier without his oming and going. I'm not one for putting blame on the ow, but she's moved a new man (exH) into her children's home only months after their parents' separation, and is either too ignorant of young children's needs for security or just doesn't care enough not to have done it. For him to be a part of this tells me that he still believes it's ok to trample over children's wellbeing because it makes you happier.

Anyway, there's my calm poise discarded. I can't take any more nasty realisations that he's worse than I could have expected. I just want to scoop the children up and keep them well away from all of this nasty, degrading behaviour.

Your children are very young to decide that they don't want to see their DF. What reasons did/can they give?
Ultimately they deserve a relationship with their dad regardless of how he has behaved --could you arrange for them to go to ?softplay with a friend or family member and he can see them there. That way he cannot say you are withholding contact and your Dc's don't have to "be" with him if they realy don't want to

I think it's the artificiality of his visits and how much he has changed from how he used to be. They aren't happy and in between they show no desire to see him now. I do think he's had some sort of character-changing event as he used to be interested in the children and it's clear that he's not now. The damage he's done to them doesn't seem to occur to him. It turned out that on his pre-leaving 'devoted daddy' time at the weekend he'd been taking dd to meet up at the park with the ow and her children. He saw nothing wrong in this. I think her poor parenting choices have rubbed off on him. He shouldn't be trusted with my children's emotional well-being now.

You should not stop contact with their DF much as you want to (and l can't blame you either) but you have to play it by the book so that he cannot say that you prevented contact further down the line.
Supervised contact is the way to go, offer it, keep a record of it email/text etc so you have proof should it be needed of when it was offered and if he turned up..
If he choses not to see them well that is his choice.
unfortunately they are not my children but our children. I know you are hurting and l am offering you a hand to hold but please do not lower yourself to his level.

Yes I see your point itsme, but they are my children. They are also his children. I hope we'll be able to parent cooperatively and amicably, but it's not a 'we' / 'our' set up at the moment. It's me with the children for 14-15 hours a day since he left, bar his two short visits in our home, where I was still looking after them as they didn't want me to be elsewhere. I will do everything I can to protect them, and his mindset is way off being able to make good judgements for them. It turned out that it wasn't only dd whom he'd introduced to the ow, it was also ds, on more than one occasion, and this is even worse as he is very quietly observant and perceptive. He never forgets anything. It's all totally shattering now.

Bloody hell! So he'd been sneakily introducing your children to the ows family?! And after such a short affair as well! I agree that the ow is an irresponsible idiot for moving a new bloke in with her children so soon. I doubt that she has suddenly changed your dh though, he's making these choices himself (although probably driven by his cock). I don't think you should make her responsible for his decisions. He's a fully grown adult who can decide this stuff for himself. It may just be that he wasn't the responsible, sensible man you thought he was.

I agree with the others about supervised contact.

What did you mean when you said that when he visited he didn't want you going elsewhere? Don't let him make all the decisions and tell you what to do.