Can anyone just hold my hand and remind me of what to do please?

[toosadforwords]

Yesterday my dh told me that he is having an affair, which has been going on for two months, with a member of staff at a place where he used to work. I found out at the same time that the OW was asking if he was "still leaving tonight?", and that was the first I knew about any of it. Things haven't been great between us as we have young children and he told me that he doesn't resent how much I love them and give to them, but that it has meant that I don't have enough affection left for him. That's probably true, but I hoped that things would get back on track when out youngest starts nursery and I go back to work in January after five years of looking after the children day in day out.

I suppose I'm just in shock. I don't know what I'm meant to do now. The children have been really good to me tonight, and compliant, but I don't want them to have to be on best behaviour because daddy's a and has left us alone (I haven't said this). I never wanted to be left or to be a single mother, and now I just find that's my life and I can't do anything about it.

What do you do to get through this, and not keep crying? I've been stifling tears all day and I've got to function for the sake of the children. Sorry it's long.

Thanks all for the x-posts. You're right funnyrunner, she's not. It all makes me feel sick, as I thought my dh wouldn't ever jeopardise our children's wellbeing. Bed now, thank you for so much support.

You're not keeping them apart because you're angry, you're sensibly setting up a schedule that works for you in place of the old routine that he has smashed to pieces. You're comforting the kids... being the grown-up. How old is DS? Would he be happy talking to Dad on the phone until the weekend?

Why why why why why - really, why? I have lost count of the number of threads this past week alone :( So many fucking 'poor neglected me' men - why are they all such bloody idiots? Lovely wives, darling children but their egos can't stand not being the centre of attention...

I am so, so, sorry you are going through this. It hurts so much doesn't it. You will be OK though, you will get through it and life will be good again. You wont feel like that now - a long way from it, but try to trust us a little bit when we say it will
x

... and NO he does not get to come and do 'bath & bed' every night, he does not get to use the house as if it's still his home and he does not get to have his fucking cake & eat it too... stupid fucking twat for even suggesting it.

You sound so so lovely and it's not bloody fair :(

I agree with the others - get in with your settlement QUICKLY while he's still feeling some guilt - it soon wears off.

Maybe he could ring DS afterschool so that DS has time to process it and have a bit of time to play etc (distraction) before bed.

Apart from the fact that he can't have his cake & eat it - it would massively confuse the children if he was there every night.

Tell them this weekend that it's permanent & why (to their level of understanding) so that they (well DS) don't blame themselves.

Wanker.

Oh and for another added joy - you should get yourself tested too :(

Cry on your friends shoulders - that's what they're there for. You don't have to have a stiff upper lip at all.

As well as not doing the evening bed and bath routine for his own sake, this deceitful twat needs to realise that it isn't good for kids because it gives mixed messages.

Playing Happy Families just confuses kids, so you end up with tears every morning when daddy has fucked off back to OWs isn't there rather than them getting quickly into a new routine of seeing daddy on X, Y and Z

I think your dh needs to tell the children, whilst you're there. Maybe someone can give you some ideas of how to go about this and prepare for it. It's going to be horrible, but right now they will be asking for things they can't have because they don't understand. Even if you let dh see your ds, it would be all weird I'm sure and upsetting for ds, because it wouldn't be 'normal' which is what he is craving. Don't ever feel guilty that you're keeping the kids apart from him. He has chosen this, and he needs to live with the impact it has on them. Not you. You haven't done this to them. He can't think that he can leave you, but his relationship with the kids will stay the same. This will change it forever.

I hope you are reading this tomorrow and have managed some rest.

I so feel for you OP the shock is horrible and can feel overwhelming at times. You have all these practicalities to deal with when you really don't feel up to dealing with it all.

I am 3 months into my split and my ex (starting to get used to calling him that) gave very similar reasons to your H, basically blaming his unhappiness on the arrival of DS 1, who is 12 btw, he is re writing history to justify what he's done.

On good days I think he has probably done me a favour by leaving or at least I can see I might get to that point in the future, but on bad days ( like today) it's hard to see the future at all.
Both my 2 DS jumped onto the sofa today to give me hugs as they could see I was struggling even though I was trying very hard to hide it and at times like those I feel so lucky to have them.

Not sure where this post is going actually but just wanted to reach out to you as I have felt so grateful to other posters who replied to me and gave great advice.

Reaching out and asking for help has saved me I think, and it's not normally something I do. In fact ex gave as one of his reasons for leaving that I was too strong and independent and didn't need him enough.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. Didn't show him affection etc.. so he found it elsewhere. They are all selfish cocks with no regard for anyone other them themselves.
I am a few months down the line from you, I didn't want a new life either but you have no choice.
I am on my own now with my 3 year old DS. Most of the time it's great. When he goes off to his dads at the weekend I get time to do what I want.
You will get there too. It will take a few months to start healing. I never thought I would be happy again but I am starting to feel that way now.
Be kind to yourself, cry if you need to.
Don't be afraid of telling people, you need support at a time like this.

Thank you all for such supportive and useful insights. I haven't had a chance to sit down today until now, so sorry I wasn't back sooner. Today has been awful in patches, particularly with my 5 yo ds at bedtime crying because daddy doesn't live here now. He's working it all out and asking questions which tell me that he has got an accurate grasp of the situation, which is horrible really. He asked if daddy would still come on holiday with us,and then he said he wanted to make a rule that daddy can't go on holiday with anyone else. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel physically sick.

Friends who I've seen have been flabbergasted and really supportive, which does make things seem more manageable. The aloneness last night was unbearable, but my SIL has been great since I spoke to her (my brother's wife, obv., not his sister).

I've taken your collective advice and I'm seeing a family lawyer next week for an introductory appointment. Thank you again for your support x

And I'm sorry this has happened to so many others on here. I take courage from your stories of coping with it all.

Hope you managed to get a good nights sleep op. Just wanted to say how sorry i am and hope you get lots of support from your friends and family. Look after youself and lots of cwtches with your little ones.

Thanks for updating us, toosad. I was thinking about you yesterday.

Ppor you, poor kids. Children are so insightful aren't they? I think your dh should be dealing with some of this - he caused it, he should see some of the pain they are going through. I also think it's better that he 'explains' in front of you so he doesn't say anything which blames you in any way, shape or form. (None of this, "Mummy and I didn't love each other anymore." No, "He doesn't love you anymore.") Perhaps you should plan what to say together, so you know it will come out right. I think he needs to sit there and take responsibility for the fact he is not there, in front of the kids. I imagine it is definitely not a good idea to mention OW though.

Maybe someone who has been through it can advise what they did/ how they wished they'd done it with hindsight.

I think you're coping remarkably well OP and I think you're also handling your little boy's concerns perfectly, even if he's upset at the moment. He's working through all the practical implications as they occur to him which I would say is normal. There will be others that haven't occurred to him yet - Christmas, for example - and it will probably help if you can anticipate some of those. In the meantime, very important to get exH on board with a proper, regular schedule of contact. Children get a great amount of reassurance from having a routine and knowing what comes next.

Thanks cogito, merry and ade. It's been another long and traumatic day, but so much better for the children. In short, as I'm shattered, exH wanted to come to visit after school, but I asked ds and he was adamant, repeatedly, that he didn't want him to come. The children and I ended up having a nice evening playing lots of larking around imaginary games and no worries until the very last moments in bed before sleep when ds asked again how long daddy was planning to be away for. But he wasn't crying this time, which is something.

That wasn't so short! My day was harder as I found that the ow had been looking me up online, and I phoned her to ask why and she lied and eventually admited it, but also broke to me a load of lies from exH, which has shown me that even when he suggested that this was him coming clean, it was a fictional account which painted him in a far better light than the reality. She said she didn't want to discuss this with me over the phone and so I said she could tell me in person instead. Will this be a bad idea? I'm thinking probably yes. A few hours later he texted to tell me that he'd moved into her house with her children this evening. He had said to me that he was going to stay at his friend's house for a week, but after two days of thinking about it he thought it was 'sensible' just to move straight in with her because they really love each other. Anyway, it's been hideous. I don't know when he'll next see the children as ds was so much better without, but I take on board your advice about setting a routine. That seems like a good idea, when ds is up to seeing him without huge fallout. I just don't know how to gauge when that will be, without allowing a massive rift to come between them.

Night all, and thanks for your support again.

Chin up.

Oh toosad I am so sad for you having such a selfish husband ( mine too) you could just swap so many of them with the same whiney " poor me" story! I wonder if there's a book they are all reading!

You sound like a lovely strong person who is a great mum. You have devoted so much for your children and they will see that in the future.

I know it doesn't feel like it now ( and you will probably think how can all these strangers understand) but it WILL GET BETTER , and your life will change, it will be different but not necessarily worse and possibly a whole lot happier.

What I found was that a lot if what I had put up with in my marriage was unacceptable ( and certainly would be again) my exh behaviour had become more and more selfish before he wanted out ( and the subsequent revelation of OW) maybe when you look back you wil see this too.
Good luck !

Thanks nonno and over. I thought the same thing about a book. It's like every cliche I've ever heard of a husband using is coming out. It's embarrassing really. Must sleep now but struggling.

Your ds sounds very emotionally in touch. That will really help him deal with this. Well done for bringing him up that way and also for dealing with him so well at this time. I don't have any advice about the OW. It may be easier for you to grieve if you know the full truth, but I don't understand why she can't tell you on the phone. I think it would be incredibly painful to look her in the eye after what she has done (she is no innocent in this). I don't think she should be calling any shots about meeting up and using the fact she has 'info' to do this. I think you should say you'd like to know what she has to say, but the phone is adequate. That's just my opinion though.

I would caution against talking face to face with the OW here. Keep the communication channel strictly between you and your STBXH so that you know what has been said and who said it. Involving the third party at this stage could simply muddy the waters and the last thing you want is the OW trying to be your best bud.

Agreed re. the other woman. Now that it's been a week and I'm beginning to feel calmer I don't need to stir up any of my own anger. I'm just concentrating on the children and they seem so settled with the three of us already (although I do expect ups and downs, and that different situations are going to throw up challenges).

It turns out that she went to school with a friend of mine (I live in a county where everyone knows everyone or is once removed from them) and that has given me the little bit more insight that I suppose I was after. I know her whole back story and there's nothing more I need to know. I took the children to see the vicar at the place where we once worked and it felt better to talk it through with him. He's asked if he can go to see exH to ask him what he's thinking of, but I'm not sure it would help. I think it might push him into a corner, and knowing exH, the more he has to justify himself, the more he'll believe his own lies.

Anyway, thank you so much for your support. The strange thing is, while I've lost all faith in the person I thought was on my team and was the closest person in the world to me, I've realised how amazing the friends/family and even acquaintances in my life are. If anyone's revisiting this thread, I hope you've had a lovely weekend x

Toosad, thank you for the update. You amaze me with your calm poise. I had been lurking, but thinking of you. I'm so sad for you, big loss to you DH, because you sound lovely. Hang in there.

De lurking to say how amazing I think you are too sad. Really amazing.

I felt the same as you with regards to friends and family. One person lets you down in the worst possible way but the love and affection from other people in your life make you realise you're still loved and lovable. Hold on to that. Just because he didn't value your relationship, you still have plenty of other strong and valued relationships in your life. It really helped me in my darkest times.
Stay strong.
X

Yy to 'calm poise' . You're amazing.
Thanks for letting us know you're ok.

Thanks all - that's very flattering but I'm not sure if I am really. It's probably the shock which has just stunned me into this weird state of dealing with it. So many practical things to handle (and the children being with me all the time) that I just feel like I have to go 'Ok... what do I need to fix next?'. Like a few people said very helpfully upthread, it's just one day at a time...

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but exH encouraged me to go for, and take, a full-time job which starts in January, and so this is all being exacerbated by the humiliation of having to go back to the employer and tell them that I can't do it. It would mean pre-school dd suddenly going into full-time nursery care, which would have been manageable with lots of stability at home, but not like this... I consulted him before I signed the acceptance form, just a few days before he left, and only he knew that I would be a single mother when it began. He used to be such a considerate man.