Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contacting the other woman...

73 replies

Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 19:01

Little background info firstly...
Been with my partner for nearly 10 yrs now. We have a 3 yr old daughter and a 2 month old son.

2 weeks after I had given birth to my daughter I went through my partners phone to find he had been having an emotional affair with a woman at work. They had also kissed. When I found out I was in a slight state of confusion as I had just had a baby and really had bigger things to worry about. He promised me that he would end all contact and that their "friendship" was over.
It took me a long time to get over what had happened... only recently have we had a conversation where I have agreed for us to move on we must put it behind us and no longer talk about it.
Anyway... recently he has been acting odd again... I couldnt quite put my finger on it,but he has been having a go at me for the slightest things. Similar to the behaviour that made me suspicious before. I decided to check his phone, and to my dismay they have started up their friendship again. Nothing has happened but he has taken her out to lunch. His words were:
"I thought after all this time not speaking, that our connection would have faded.. but looking at you from across the table at lunch nothing has changed"

I am not even upset... I am actually raging mad. Tonight I have decided to give him an opportunity to tell me the truth. I will ask if he has started up contact with her again... if he lies I have decided to take it on the chin so he doesnt suspect anything and then tomorrow I am going to contact this woman. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I am very aware that I do not want to come across as the mad wifey at home. She knows he has a partner.... and infact from their older messages I can see she has been pursuing him with messages to meet up which he ignored for a long time.

Good advice needed! Thanks

OP posts:
RevelsRoulette · 07/10/2013 19:04

What do you want to contact her for? What are you going to do about him that you need contact with her to do? Are you going to ask her to confirm their affair?

It is a dreadful shame (understatement of the century) that he has chosen to take up with her again, but make no mistake that it is and always was, his choice.

I am sorry you're going through this.

Doinmummy · 07/10/2013 19:06

I think your beef is with your DP , although I can understand you wanting to contact the OW. Ask yourself what your objective is in contacting her. What will you say ? And what do you hope to hear from her?

If you do contact her make sure your timing is right as she will be straight on the phone to tell your DP .

Why don't you get your DP to phone her in front of you with phone on loud speaker?

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 19:07

Why would you contact her ?

And why does it look like you want to hang onto this cheating fuck that thinks nothing of making an utter fool out of you ?

totallydone · 07/10/2013 19:08

No no no

The ow owes you nothing. She doesn't care about you or your DC's.You will gain nothing from contacting her.
Your DP is the one you should be confronting-he is starting an EA again which may turn to a PA/
Do you have screen shots of his texts to OW?
Remember even if he deletes the texts you know what you saw--you don't need proof.

MorrisZapp · 07/10/2013 19:09

Why do you plan to contact her? Sorry, this sounds awful for you.

PerpendicularVince · 07/10/2013 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2013 19:09

Why would you contact her, what's the point? It's not like you don't have evidence. He's the one you should be focussing your attention and anger on.

Doinmummy · 07/10/2013 19:09

Sorry this has happened AGAIN it must be a real blow .

Do you think you will stay with him ?

Doinmummy · 07/10/2013 19:11

Just remember the first time round . He was in contact with this woman while you were carrying his child. He is a shit

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 07/10/2013 19:12

Please don't waste your energy on her. It's your DP who has betrayed you, not some random woman.

Are you hoping to persuade her to leave him alone so he will be the right partner and father? In the gentlest possible way, there will always be temptation.

This woman is not your problem. Don't try and blame her for his actions. Conserve your energy and concentrate on all the things you really have control over (your emotions, your decisions, the DC, your financial and legal choices etc.)

He's giving her romance. She won't be coming to her senses anytime soon; they'll paint you as a nutter and you'll feel like utter shit.

It's really really not worth the short term dramatic thrill for the long term damage to YOU.

lunar1 · 07/10/2013 19:14

The other posters are right that your dh is to blame, but she is not faultless, she has put herself in your life.

If ou want to contact her, you have every right to, but plan what you want to say and keep your dignity. If I was you I would be handing her his dirty washing and changing the locks.

Original poster
Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 19:16

At the moment I have no job, no finances at the moment so makes things hard.
If he lies, tomorrow I am going to ring and tell her she is welcome to him. As she is so desperate to get him he will now be living with her. To tell him not to come home as the house will be locked up and no one will be there. My parting words will be "good luck....you'll need it."
They will be at work together so she can run over to his desk and tell him what ive said.

OP posts:
Fifibluebell · 07/10/2013 19:16

Think you should definitely more angry at your DP he is the one who is meant to love you not her! You probably won't gain anything from speaking to her!

Albert27 · 07/10/2013 19:18

Sorry this has happened but you'll gain nothing by blaming her... he's the one at fault. Don't waste your energy/anger on her, he's the twonk making a fool out of you.

And if you blame her, he will blame her too and try and get himself off the hook. Men IME like to rewrite history to exonerate themselves.

Doinmummy · 07/10/2013 19:18

Please don't speak to her. Keep your dignity. Tell your DP that you know he is being unfaithful and tell him to leave.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 19:19

You don't know she's 'desperate to get him'. She may just be using him for a bit of fun, knowing she can send him back home to the wife and kids when she gets bored... it happens. As everyone has said, take it out on him and keep your dignity. Good luck and sorry you're in this situation.

Doinmummy · 07/10/2013 19:20

Op I understand your feelings but re read your 19:16:23 post. It sounds a bit mad just seeing it written down. For your own sake don't do it this way.

RevelsRoulette · 07/10/2013 19:23

ok, you clearly have a scenario in mind. What do you expect or hope will happen?

That he will be shocked into backing away from her again?

That he will see how hurt and angry you are and promise you that he won't do it again?

He's done it twice. With the same woman. That you know of.

This is a man that wants to betray you.

Do you want him to leave? You don't need the 'scene' to make that happen.

EdithWeston · 07/10/2013 19:23

What would you plan to say to her?

If it's a rant, then don't.

If it's a text/email saying only 'I have read some of the recent messages you have sent my husband' (which is factual, minimal and does nothing more than tell her you know) then it won't make much difference. Other than if course it will be she who tells your H, not you.

Doinmummy · 07/10/2013 19:25

ok you clearly have a scenario in mind

Don't forget that what you have planned in your head may not pan out like that in RL

flippingebay · 07/10/2013 19:27

Don't contact her it you will come across the mad wife.

Keep the moral high ground and take it up with him.

The trouble with working out scenarios is they never work out the way you think it will...

macthecatsmum · 07/10/2013 19:27

Speaking from bitter experience-don't. Yes, she has been an absolute cow in doing this, but if you do it it will be very hard to keep your dignity. Right now you have the moral high ground-go to see her you will (in their eyes) become the "mad bitch". I dont know what to say apart from this-I DID do the contacting her bit. i could feel her smirking down the phone. I lost every shred of dignity i had. yes he stayed, but i wonder at what cost to my self respect. please don't make the same mistake.

MrsDoomsPatterson · 07/10/2013 19:28

Don't ring her. It's him that needs to feel your anger.

Cosydressinggown · 07/10/2013 19:30

NO, don't do it. Please heed that everyone here has said it's a bad idea.

Your anger is with your husband. By all means contact him at work and say that he is not to come home, there is a packed back on the step for him and he can go live with the OW since they have such an amazing connection. She'll soon get a shock if he actually tries that.

But contact the OW and you risk this whole thing getting turned around to you being the mad ex and him looking for comfort elsewhere cos you're a bit of a psycho.

Albert27 · 07/10/2013 19:32

You have the evidence. There is nothing the OW can add to change the fact your DH is having an EA, possibly PA. For me it was a dealbreaker.

In my case the OW was a colleague of his and now very recently a colleague of mine. I have never spoken to her. Her discomfort around me is enough in some ways. She knew he had a partner and a child and she can either live with the guilt or not care - either way it makes no bones to me. Don't get me wrong, of course I was angry with her and was blinded for a while that she was to blame. But I eventually took control, recognised he was a total arsehole and left for me.

I believe the one person we should rely on to love us and never let us down is our partner - yours is failing miserably on every level. He needs to leave and it really doesn't matter where he goes. If he goes to her then it cements his infidelity and you're well shot of him.