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Original poster

Contacting the other woman...

73 replies

Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 19:01

Little background info firstly...
Been with my partner for nearly 10 yrs now. We have a 3 yr old daughter and a 2 month old son.

2 weeks after I had given birth to my daughter I went through my partners phone to find he had been having an emotional affair with a woman at work. They had also kissed. When I found out I was in a slight state of confusion as I had just had a baby and really had bigger things to worry about. He promised me that he would end all contact and that their "friendship" was over.
It took me a long time to get over what had happened... only recently have we had a conversation where I have agreed for us to move on we must put it behind us and no longer talk about it.
Anyway... recently he has been acting odd again... I couldnt quite put my finger on it,but he has been having a go at me for the slightest things. Similar to the behaviour that made me suspicious before. I decided to check his phone, and to my dismay they have started up their friendship again. Nothing has happened but he has taken her out to lunch. His words were:
"I thought after all this time not speaking, that our connection would have faded.. but looking at you from across the table at lunch nothing has changed"

I am not even upset... I am actually raging mad. Tonight I have decided to give him an opportunity to tell me the truth. I will ask if he has started up contact with her again... if he lies I have decided to take it on the chin so he doesnt suspect anything and then tomorrow I am going to contact this woman. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I am very aware that I do not want to come across as the mad wifey at home. She knows he has a partner.... and infact from their older messages I can see she has been pursuing him with messages to meet up which he ignored for a long time.

Good advice needed! Thanks

OP posts:
HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 07/10/2013 19:33

If you still feel like contacting her, just imagine her running to his desk just after you deliver your killer line.

He'll comfort her if she's upset.

He'll laugh with her at you if she's spiteful and dismissive.

Either way, they'll be bonding over your unhinged behaviour.

They don't deserve the satisfaction.

bestsonever · 07/10/2013 19:40

Eiiik! The dangerous unprotected way people live their complex lives. Basically, he's already gone off before (not an EA, as you describe more than that), he's shown you your relationship was on dodgy ground. So to have another child, then decide after, not before, to move on from the past ? Having no means to support yourself and no protection of marriage, it has just dawned that you are in a weak position?
The fact is, anyone in a relationship can change their minds and decide to be with someone else at any time and the DP, DH or DW will find it impossible to get them to change allegiance back in a successful or happy way if love is felt towards the other person rather than just the physical side. Marriage protects you finantially where kids and a family home are involved. So to know where you are at, forget the other woman and find out how your DP feels about the OW. If it's love, after years still simmering a way I suspect it could be, you are trying to fight a battle already lost.

usualsuspect · 07/10/2013 19:46

Unhinged behaviour to tell her what you think of her for shagging your husband?

Give her both barrels,I would.

I wouldn't give a stuff what she thought of me afterwards.

usualsuspect · 07/10/2013 19:48

Oh sorry no shagging involved, I'd still tell her if she wanted him,she was welcome to him.

Putitonthelist · 07/10/2013 19:52

Horrible situation OP. They are a pair of low-lifes. Can you be sure that the original contact ever ended?

They are both to blame imo. I've never been in this position but I would find it hard not to contact her too and I take my hat off to anyone rises above it. You deserve so much better.

pantsonbackwards · 07/10/2013 19:52

I quite like what you are planning because its going to panic the shit out of him. Grin

As long as you remember he is the one you should be angry with. At first i thought you were going to tell her to stay away from your man but seeing as that's not at all what you've planned i don't see the problem.

What a weak man! Twice when you've been pregnant he's strayed. Arse!

Original poster
Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 19:54

Thing is I know he will never leave me...this is all about his own ego and feeling wanted.
I know you are right but I just want to shock him.
We arent married either. I feel so exposed

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 07/10/2013 19:54

When my DP cheated on me with his ex, I didn't say a word to her. I have never regretted it.

Please keep your dignity, OP.

Your anger should be directed at him, and him only.

Original poster
Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 19:55

Putitinthelist - they have said that they havent spoken for so long.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 07/10/2013 19:55

I don't think there's anything much wrong with what you're planning to do.

It should blindside both of them and be kind of amusing for you.

It won't make you seem unhinged in the least, if you do it properly.

Best of luck with your new life, you deserve so much better than this creep.

wonka1973 · 07/10/2013 19:56

I would definately not contact the other woman. The issue is with your partner, its him you need to deal with. I hope things work out for you.

Original poster
Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 19:56

And i wont be angry with her. Id talk to her quite controlled and normally. Im very good at controlling my emotions in that way.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 07/10/2013 19:57

Do not do it.

He will have told her you are unhinged and irrational. This will confirm it as far as they are concerned.

It's very easy to deny an emotional affair. If you're right and it's not physical it will be very easy for her to paint you as a crazy lady who rang her out of the blue at work and laid into her for having lunch with her husband...

Then it becomes no wonder he had to leave if you were that irrational and jealous...

Why let your DH off the hook? It's not her job to police your marriage. It's your DH who is screwing you over.

usualsuspect · 07/10/2013 19:57

Your anger should be directed at both of them.

Ow is not exactly little miss innocent is she.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 07/10/2013 19:57

And it's totally fine to be angry with a silly bitch who would carry on like that with a man with a partner and children.

Decent people don't seek to cause massive damage to the lives of strangers and justify it by saying that it's OK because they don't know them.

ALittleStranger · 07/10/2013 19:58

How on earth will this help your ego?

Finbar · 07/10/2013 20:04

What if she doesn't react the way you hope? What if she's brazen and has a go back at you? or cuts you dead?
It may not go the way you want and that will be heartbreaking for you because she might steal the thunder you want to bring down on her.

Don't do it

pantsonbackwards · 07/10/2013 20:04

I think you should do it.

sebsmummy1 · 07/10/2013 20:04

I really think it depends what sort of person you are as to whether you should ring her.

If your voice is going to go all wobbly and your likely to come across as unhinged and flaky as you cry doen the phone then I wouldn't bother. If however you are a scary bitch IRL who can handle a tough situation and intimidate the hell out of people then I think why not, give her a fright, why should she sit there having knowingly destroyed a family.

pantsonbackwards · 07/10/2013 20:09

I can just imagine the lying twat finding out at work (awkward!) when his ow comes over to tell him all freaked out. I like that op isn't going to tell him herself. Takes the power away from him. He won't know what's going on!

Original poster
Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 20:10

Im certainly not the wobbly type. I am definately the alpha female type. That is what is driving me insane also... she prob thinks I am some idiot shy retiring wifey at home. 10 yrs ago I would have been dragging her out of work by her hair... obv I wouldnt do that now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 20:12

Im waiting for him to arrive home..... he has been working late apparently.

OP posts:
RevelsRoulette · 07/10/2013 20:13

shock him into what? Making out he's cut contact with her again until such time as you start to trust him again?

Twice. He's drifted towards her twice. That's if you believe that there was ever actually a break and it wasn't simply a case of making you believe so.

Why do you want to stay with someone who sniffs around other women? Genuine question. There must be a reason that you choose to stay. we all have them. What's yours?

Fairenuff · 07/10/2013 20:15

What if she doesn't tell him? Will he really come home to a locked house?

Original poster
Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 20:16

Im not choosing to stay... Ive just said he can move in with her. Its not a joke... I mean it.

OP posts:
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