Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Contacting the other woman...

73 replies

Chocydoo · 07/10/2013 19:01

Little background info firstly...
Been with my partner for nearly 10 yrs now. We have a 3 yr old daughter and a 2 month old son.

2 weeks after I had given birth to my daughter I went through my partners phone to find he had been having an emotional affair with a woman at work. They had also kissed. When I found out I was in a slight state of confusion as I had just had a baby and really had bigger things to worry about. He promised me that he would end all contact and that their "friendship" was over.
It took me a long time to get over what had happened... only recently have we had a conversation where I have agreed for us to move on we must put it behind us and no longer talk about it.
Anyway... recently he has been acting odd again... I couldnt quite put my finger on it,but he has been having a go at me for the slightest things. Similar to the behaviour that made me suspicious before. I decided to check his phone, and to my dismay they have started up their friendship again. Nothing has happened but he has taken her out to lunch. His words were:
"I thought after all this time not speaking, that our connection would have faded.. but looking at you from across the table at lunch nothing has changed"

I am not even upset... I am actually raging mad. Tonight I have decided to give him an opportunity to tell me the truth. I will ask if he has started up contact with her again... if he lies I have decided to take it on the chin so he doesnt suspect anything and then tomorrow I am going to contact this woman. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I am very aware that I do not want to come across as the mad wifey at home. She knows he has a partner.... and infact from their older messages I can see she has been pursuing him with messages to meet up which he ignored for a long time.

Good advice needed! Thanks

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 07/10/2013 20:18

Good for you OP.

But you need to tell him that, not her.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2013 20:18

Why not just save your ire for the person who cheated on you?

Justconfused · 07/10/2013 20:18

Do it - contact her and tell her what you feel and think of her - I did and it made me feel better. If I hadn't done it then I think I would have regretted it.

Fairenuff · 07/10/2013 20:19

Oh, sorry, do you mean you have just spoken to him about it? Did he admit it?

pantsonbackwards · 07/10/2013 20:19

Good for you! What an arse.

It must be hard op with a young child and baby and this going on. Im impressed you're so strong.

Vivacia · 07/10/2013 20:19

I'm not sure I could pretend to believe him, but I think it's a good plan.

ALittleStranger · 07/10/2013 20:20

Im certainly not the wobbly type. I am definately the alpha female type. That is what is driving me insane also... she prob thinks I am some idiot shy retiring wifey at home. 10 yrs ago I would have been dragging her out of work by her hair... obv I wouldnt do that now!

Ahh, now it makes sense. Are you projecting your insecurity about being a SAHM on to her? She gets your DP in the professional space and engages as an equal and you're dependent on him at home. You want her to know that you were her too once?

bestsonever · 07/10/2013 20:22

If money and provision was not an issue, would you leave him? Are you ever going to want him for the right reasons and not just what he can provide you with? Careful, fear of getting by in the future is a poor reason to continue and will could mean that you both endure further misery. Work on yourself and making your life secure without the need for him. Good to want a man, bad to need a man to survive.
What makes you so sure he will never leave you? You haven't got married yet, so at least one of you has not invested in the idea of forever.
Either he doesn't like her as much as he says and just picks up with her when things are running less well with you, or he does not have the balls to follow what he really wants in life causing misery to everyone by his procrastination - neither are attractive.

Thisisaeuphemism · 07/10/2013 20:23

He is a twat. I'm sorry Op.

RevelsRoulette · 07/10/2013 20:30

oh sorry. I got hold of the wrong end of the stick when you said he wouldn't leave you and you just wanted to shock him.

I thought that was you saying that your aim in this was not to end your relationship with him but to trigger some sort of response in him like backing off from her or something.

What was his response to your ending the relationship tonight? Do you have a friend who can give you some rl support?

mammadiggingdeep · 07/10/2013 20:30

Dignity is your friend- remember that. I'm so do sorry you're going through this. I experienced being cheated on when pregnant/ with a young baby and it is just the worst fucking timing possible. I think it takes an extra special scum bag. I can understand why u want to have it out with ow but really think it through first. What is she's a total bitch (well, we know she is already to knowingly get involved with a man with 2 you g kids and a partner). What if she decides to tell you about yourself...."he's with me cos he says your boring", "he says you nag" etc etc. just really think it through.
What a total cunt he is. I'm just so sorry for u. :(

Vivacia · 07/10/2013 20:35

I don't think she's ending the relationship tonight Revels, she's giving him the chance to come clean.

RevelsRoulette · 07/10/2013 20:37

Sorry again. still getting hold of wrong end of stick, clearly. I thought we were back to telling him not to come home, as she said earlier.

I will bugger off because clearly I am as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Good luck OP, I hope you get the outcome that you want. x

Vivacia · 07/10/2013 20:40

Sorry Revels I didn't mean to sound sharp and push you off the thread.

RevelsRoulette · 07/10/2013 20:46

you didn't. I'm not that thin skinned. But we're only here to help and if Im reading the situation in a way that is totally wrong, then that's of bog all help to the OP.

Wellwobbly · 07/10/2013 20:55

Chocy, hope you are OK.

How did it go?

pantsonbackwards · 11/10/2013 09:50

How are things going?

Mosman · 11/10/2013 10:26

Fuck it I'd call her, all this dignity and not looking like a pschyo is what lets these bastards get away with it, him and her.
I'm all for letting everyone face the reality of the implications of their behaviour. You're a victim and should have the right of address

Mosman · 11/10/2013 10:29

And you don't give them the chance to start mouthing off back at you, pick the phone up say your piece - the twat on the other end will be so shocked you've called they'll not react for a few seconds by which time you've had your say - then you hang up. Simples

frogslegs35 · 11/10/2013 14:13

What Mosman said ^

I see no reason why you shouldn't speak to her - she's very far from innocent here.

Mojavewonderer · 11/10/2013 14:42

I agree you should deffo call her and give her a piece of your mind! She knew what she was doing with YOUR partner. Hope you gave her hell op!

Annabelllll · 11/10/2013 22:06

Just wanted to say how sorry I'm that u r going through this.
Having to small kids is chalanging on its own - without worrying about your partner cheating on u.
I dont like him.
U sound like a strong woman - if u want to call ow - do it.

Let us know how u getting on

Xxxxxxx

Spelt · 11/10/2013 22:21

Seems odd to finish with your DP through a third party, that's all. Have you spoken to her OP?

Flip

1 2 3