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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

revenge affairs

77 replies

batterylow · 07/10/2013 11:48

Has anyone else done this?

My dh told me he had had a brief affair with a colleague a few months back. It was over at the time he told me but he had slept with her twice unprotected. It was devastating, we have a young baby and an older child with sn. We are now going to relate and I have had some cbt but still finding it really hard to live with.

My immediate reaction was that our relationship would never improve and in a state of confusion and feeling really low I joined a dating site (I told him this) and had a brief fling with someone followed by an emotional affair which turned physical as a one off. Not seen or heard from him since, not contacted anyone else but the aftermath is obviously very complicated as we have both cheated, we are both liars. I think I thought it would help me with the crippling jealousy which tbh it has a little but I still obsess over the other woman every day and have lost all confidence.

Anyone else? The relate counsellor said our situation is unusual, not the affair but my reaction. To me it was the only thing I felt I could do to distract me though, surely I can't be the only one?

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Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 16:18

He is going to look for a new job but can't till he has some experience so needs to stay till next March ish. I can't imagine life without him as life is so bloody difficult and don't want to give it all up but I don't want this obsession and misery permanently either. So hard, I feel I have so long ahead feeling this low. Being in a small l town with all that going on must be unbearable, I had a similar situation but less serious with an ex, it means I already had low self esteem probably. So I think he was investing more than me in a way but then didn't cope well with lack of attention when I was up all night with the youngest. He says he felt it had all been for nothing.

I feel though in a way that he was offered attention and sex and took it, regardless of our relationship. Oh God will I always feel this angry?

Charbon in our case he has always been the one who seems more keen if that makes sense but now he says he felt he had to go along with rushing into marriage and baby to keep me. I think we both have serious self esteem issues.

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Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 16:19

Argh that got jumbled up somehow, the bit about investing in the relationship was to charbon.

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Justconfused · 07/10/2013 16:47

Op I feel so like you ... Still so angry and just hate the feeling that it is going to take me a long time to get over this. Are you still going for counselling with him ?

Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 17:02

Yes although we are taking a break from it for a couple of weeks and he is going to try to get a refferal for cbt via the gp or at least a recommendation.

It's hideous isn't it? I feel I had an awful time around my first child's early years due to the disabilities and now this with my second. I wonder how long it will be this intense. Some days I can forget for a bit but generally I am upset all the time, it affects everything.

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Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 17:04

Are you still in counselling? Did the anti depressants make you feel worse before better? I am worried about the initial couple of weeks if I go on them as dh had them after all this but felt so anxious on them he stopped after a week.

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Justconfused · 07/10/2013 17:54

No op not trying counselling at the moment as the first counsellor was a disaster. I feel anxious the entire time - have only been on the anti depressants for a week and I think they are making me more anxious (also have intense nausea ) but am sticking with them as hope it will pass. I understand the feeling they you have of being dealt one big blow (in my case the cancer ) and then having the second ( husband's infidelity ) - very hard and do frustrating because your 'd'h has gone through so much with you and then is so cruel :(

Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 18:10

Yes exactly that. It just seems unforgivable but I don't want the alternative either.

The ads do make you feel nauseous to start with, I was on them years ago and I remember that, and sweating a lot but it did get better within a couple of weeks and they really changed me for the better I think. I may go and ask for some as soon as I feel I can face it. I know that's a bit of a contradiction!

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jackstini · 07/10/2013 18:11

Happened to me a long time ago.
Different situation - we were both much less mature and no kids were involved and actually decided it was best that we split up.

However, I did forgive and we were able to have a much better friendship after that.

Something someone said really helped me to do that so I will repeat it in case it helps you.
(feel free to ignore if it doesn't!)

Forgiving does not mean it didn't happen
Forgiving does not mean it was right - it wasn't
Forgiving does not mean you have to forget - likely you won't, or not for a long time
Forgiving does not mean you have to tell the other person you forgive them, although you may want to
Forgiving means you choose to let go of the bad feelings inside you that not forgiving will keep there. It might be anger, hatred, jealousy or a hundred others. You know you are a happier person without those feelings and you actively choose to refuse to feel them any more.

Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 18:52

Thank you. I really hope one day I can be free of all that too. Feel so hopeless today. I've started a new job but seem to be in a constant state of panic and its really affecting how I perform. I wasn't going to return to work but wanted the independence after all this and a distraction other than other men. It's making me feel worse as I feel I am crap at it as well as relationships.

I think both me and dh have changed so much because of this and its not yet certain which way it will go long term. He is willing to do anything but the one thing I want is for it not to have happened.

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Justconfused · 07/10/2013 18:52

Op are you staying because you love him or are you scared of being on your own ? I thought I was staying because I love him but I do question this and wonder if it is actually fear of coping on my own ie what if the cancer comes back - how can I cope with the kids. I am a Sahm so feel economically dependent on him too

Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 19:39

I think I am staying because I think the relationship is worth saving but I also am really aware thAt I couldn't actually manage the children's needs alone. I was planning on being a sahm and was till a couple of weeks ago so I know what you mean. Though in reality I am not really much less dependant now, it's more the idea.

but as far as love goes it's so hard as I feel he can't be the person I believed him to be, he can't love me as much as I thought he did either or he wouldn't have done it. But I think that is as much about what this has done to my self esteem as anything.

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Justconfused · 07/10/2013 19:56

I know - yes it does rock your self esteem doesn't it ? My husband is quite shocked at the impact it has had on me and also him. He's very upset with himself. I just wish he had kept it in his trousers and that it had never happened !

Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 20:00

Yes my husband is too. He just apologised to me again and is doing everything he can but I still feel he has ruined my life. And I think how could he not have known this would happen.

Ugh what a life eh. How are you feeling health wise?

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Justconfused · 07/10/2013 20:09

I feel my life has been ruined too - it does seem dramatic I guess but that's how I feel - at least for the moment. Things will never be the same. I was very much in love with him and I just don't see how I can get that back. Health wise I just feel pretty depressed so hope the ads will have some kind of impact in the next few weeks. Although I see myself with my husband I do suspect it might be a short term thing and that when I feel stronger I might just call time on the relationship. How about you op ?

Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 20:15

Yes it is hard to see how it can improve isn't it when such a big important aspect of the relationship is gone. I just keep thinking when/if I recover enough to t hi k straight will I hate him for putting me through all of this. Will I have any respect for a man who made me feel this low on top of everything else I deal with and what will all this do to us as a family.

It must be so hard struggling with the health side too. I hope the ads help you, I think I may be asking for some too soon.

I would love to be a few years on from this but then I get angry that I am wishing away the baby's sainthood because of what he did.

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Original poster

batterylow · 07/10/2013 20:17

Ha ha the baby's baby hood, I don't have a saintly baby! (In fact if she would give me some sleep I may find it easier to cope!)

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Original poster

batterylow · 16/10/2013 15:24

Oh God have messed up now, looked up the ow on Facebook on Sun when dh was out. She was nothing amazing just looked older, not glamorous not anything special. Which is what he told me. Anyway I felt churned up and cracked and e mailed the man I cheated with. He replied and dh has found the email, I had deleted it thinking he wasn't going to reply but of course the whole thing was now there for him to read.

I was looking for distraction,the boost of knowing someone was interested after dh did that to me. We were meant to be starting again post his affair and my dating website stuff but he is obviously very upset now. Not even sure I regret the contact as it did momentarily distract me but obviously can't go on like this.

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Justconfused · 16/10/2013 15:43

I understand why you did this - contacting the other guy was a bit of a crutch in a way to make you feel better ?
Your partner knew about him before though ? Can you just tell him what led you to do it ? He needs to show you compassion too

Jaccuse · 16/10/2013 15:46

Having a revenge affair right now and don't regret it at all - best sex I've had in ages.

Original poster

batterylow · 16/10/2013 16:01

Jacusse I front regret mine either, thought I might but I think it was the only way for me to not feel like a victim. I'm not sure why that is but it did help although may have backfired slightly now!

Yes just confused that's exactly it. He knew I looked her up and I should've told him at that point about the email but hadn't had a response so thought I should just leave it. How are things with you?

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Jaccuse · 16/10/2013 16:09

I'm sure mine is a lot to do with not feeling like a victim, no idea what will happen with my h yet, not looking very far into the future right now tbh. In my defence I did make sure OM was single first.

I hope things work out for you battery.

OrmirianResurgam · 16/10/2013 16:12

I can understand the appeal. It would be just a boost for my self-esteem though... I got my revenge in first...20 years ago but never confessed (only an EA). I don't want to hurt H at all. But to feel that 'only just met' thrill again.....

Justconfused · 16/10/2013 16:31

Op things are still pretty bad at home. I think he might be depressed too. He is now going back to saying the marriage was unhappy after months of saying that he did it for an ego boost, thrill and bit of attention after having a mid life crisis. Feeling sick of him at the moment and think he might move out - have mixed feelings on this and wonder if divorce is now inevitable

Original poster

batterylow · 16/10/2013 16:35

Yes for me that's a lot of it, the actual dates bit is fun and I am not sure how to recapture that with dh, I feel so let down. He wants me to e mail and say no more contact but has said it's up to me but please tell him if I have any more contact. He has said he understands why I did it it just worries him I could have another bad day any time. This is so hard and I suppose without the other men thing I have to actually face it now.

I made sure about married men too as would not want to do that to anyone else , I had so many married men get in touch thou g h on the dating site , it's depressing. I like to think most of them were just wanting to talk about rather than do anything but even so.

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Original poster

batterylow · 16/10/2013 17:46

Sorry to hear that justconfused. I wondered at one point whether it would have been better for dh to have moved out for a bit but didn't know how to manage it practically and also whether that would be the end or a help.

Do your family and friends know what he did? Mine don't and I felt I wanted to wait and see what happens first. One friend knows though.

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