Sister in law ignoring pregnancy and being even more strange than normal!

[creamcarpet]

My DP's sister has always been cold and emotionally vacant (not the closest family but generally like each other's company). We have been together many years but I don't feel any connection to SIL despite the time. She makes it very hard to get close to her. We have always made polite small talk, ie, work (hers not mine), a new car, holidays, home improvements etc but nothing more.

I was pregnant last year, to which she said 'that's nice'. I then had a miscarriage and was hospitalised, we didn't hear anything from her. It was another 3 months before she got in touch, still never mentioning me or asking how I was.

I am pregnant again now and when DP told her she again said 'that's nice', DP said it sounded like he'd told her we were getting a cat. I've since seen her for the weekend and she didn't asked how I was, when it's due, said congrats, nothing. She acted increasingly strange over the weekend, ie, sitting out in the garden alone while the rest of us sat indoors and chatted; and picking at food in the restaurant, looking at the ceiling and not saying a single word to any of us.

Since returning from the weekend, she has tried to make contact by emailing pictures of her new car (with no words in the email), which DP ignored for a couple of weeks because he was so fed up with her. Last week he replied by email and sent her a pic of our scan. She hasn't replied. Do you think she's playing a tit for tat game and waiting to reply for a couple of weeks, or does she just have a major behavioural problem? And is this the weirdest SIL you ever heard of?! I've searched previous threads but none of SIL problems seems to be like mine.

PS. She has no kids, no motherly instincts, and married to a man much older than her.

I'm afraid my previously perfectly reasonable relationship with my brother has deteriorated since DS so hoping for a closer relationship after DC is pie in the sky I'm afraid in many cases.

Its not that I think you are unreasonable for wanting your DP and his sister to have a closer relationship but they haven;t and it doesn;t sound like they're going to. Disengage from it.

As Doris Day would say "Che sera, sera - Whatever will be will be"

creamcarpet I have two SiL. Both behave in similar ways to yours: chat is always small talk, no big life stuff. I make a positive effort to include them - for example on my hen night - and often end up frustrated because I think they've had a crap time (don't talk to others, join in etc) But according to my MiL they love these events. They definitely love their brother but I've never seen them express it.

I think what I'm trying to say is I get it. I understand being irked by her reaction. But as many others have said, it is her reaction and you can't influence it. I'd tell your DH to keep up the contact. Hold the door open for her. She might surprise you, she might not. But by keeping the door open you'll be modelling the behaviour you want and in time, that's the example you'll want to set your DC.

OP I think my SIL would probably say the same things about me (except that I might be younger than your SIL, and am married to someone younger than me).

My SIL is a vivacious, sociable, chatty, outgoing, warm, generous, open (unintelligent, blunderbuss, self-centered etc etc) woman. It's the best thing for my DB, and they are very happy together. It's lovely.

I am introspective, speak only when I have something useful to say, naturally averse to demonstrations of physical affection, measured in my thoughts, and mean everything I say.

The first time my SIL announced she was pregnant, I said "oh, brilliant news!" And that was it. It was brilliant news. "Brilliant" is quite a big thing.

I had shared my scans with my parents (as they wanted to see them), so my SIL did the same (with them and us). I had nothing to say other than 'good to know everything is as it should be'. I mean, what else is there to say that wouldn't be trite or more meaningdul coming from a doctor or my DB?

Some people just aren't effusive. I wish some people would be a lot less effusive, actually . Doesn't mean the sentiment isn't there. Just that people are different.

I think you've had a rough ride on this thread OP. Your SIL reminds me of my sister. I don't expect gushing and fawning but it is hurtful when family don't even bother to feign an interest.

She sounds a bit like my SIL. I have learnt to Ignore it. She is different and we shall never be friends so we are polite and respect each others differences. In my view she displays some very odd behaviour but I am past analysing and fretting over it. I give her as little as I can without being rude. Her and DH will never be close like my sister and I but that is in no way due to me.

I think you need to lower your expectations. This has been a massive help to me. My family are great with my kids but SIL barely acknowledges them. I now don't expect her to be interested and don't Chase her in any way. It's been cathartic.

People are just odd and sometimes that's it.

I think the op has taken an unfair bashing here. I don't think she intended to assassinate her sil's character, she was simply trying to describe her behaviour and reaction.

I'm pretty certain I have social issues I think I have a fair idea how they were caused. But I hate being in large groups and being forced to speak. I hate small talk, although it needs to be done seems so superficial I can't do it. But I know this can be mistaken for being rude. I wouldn't blank people out, but I do have very few words, and think carefully before I speak weirdo right lol.

I tend to be reserved with emotions too but I do feel them all the same.

I think you should just invite her over for tea and be open with her. I suspect she may have issues other than social ones.

Btw congrats on your pregnancy I love children my annoying ones and other people kids too.

Do you think she's playing a tit for tat game and waiting to reply for a couple of weeks, or does she just have a major behavioural problem?

I think she doesn't like you, and engages with you the minimum possible in order to be polite. tbh you don't come across as that likeable; you seem to think everyone should be the same as you.

Perhaps the SIL has a social circle outside her immediate family; I know I do. Personally, my SILs bore me; one of them is nice, the other not so nice, and I'm polite to them, but the thought of spending a weekend or a day or something with them outside Christmas fills me with dread. Because I want to do more things in my life than sitting indoors eating and talking about babies and cooking. Quite a lot of women feel like that actually and its surprising you haven't met one before.

Maybe the other women she's met that feel that way are considerate enough to follow the rules of polite social interaction.

Families are different and maybe your SiL comes from a family where people are not expected to be close. Maybe she worries about being intrusive. Maybe she finds it difficult to 'tune-in' to your family humour or conversation.

Maybe she thinks your family don't like her much and does her best to stay out of your way to keep the peace? What's her relationship like with her MiL?

If you get on on the surface, could you test the waters a bit by trying to spend time with her on her own, doing something that you might both like?

cream why does this matter to you?

So, she was distant at a weekend, then got in touch & your husband responded by emailing a scan pic-now I find that odd tbh.

I think I would just have replied with "nice car" & left it to her again.

It seems odd to me that you are both so wound up by her when she is acting as she normally does.

I wonder if she is trying to hint by her behaviour and the email that she finds the OP a bit self obsessed and dull? And is trying to remind her that other things in the world exists beyond babies?

Indeed cream why does it matter so much to the OP? She is pregnant, married, has a close family - what does it matter if her SIL is distant? Who is even that bothered about SILs?

I actually thought from this thread title that it was about a woman who wasn't accepting her own pregnancy. But it really is just all about someone not getting enough attention from one family member about her own pregnancy.

Emailing a scan to someone you are distant with is just plain odd.

Emailing a photo of a car is pretty odd, for that matter, unless someone has specifically asked to see it.

But the OP has said that she deliberately hasn't been on and on about it, hasn't plastered it all over FB, isn't expecting gushing. Honestly, not even acknowledging someone's miscarriage and then barely bothering with congratulations at the next pregnancy? I mean yes maybe she isn't fussed about kids herself, but given that this is her brother having what is clearly a much longed-for child, is asking her to show a polite interest really too much to ask? I mean how much off an effort is it to reply "aah what a cute pic" even if all you can see is a black blob?

OP, I'm due in two weeks with a much-wanted baby after fertility treatment. My sister has said she won't be coming to visit, it'll cost her too much. I don't want gushing either, but yes, getting less interest from my own sister than I am from random work colleagues is very hurtful. I totally get where you're coming from.

How on earth are other posters reading the SIL's behaviour as "odd"? She just doesn't interact with the OP the way the OP would like her to. Sheesh!

Maybe I'm your SIL? I have very little in common with my SIL, who is obsessed with shopping and brand names and rarely reads a book. What we have in common is that she married my brother, and they're very happy. She's pleasant enough and we get on well when we're together, and I adore my nieces. I didn't meet my SIL until after they were married (they live a long way away) and just about the first thing she said to me was that she was so pleased to be joining my family.

Well, hmmmmm... you married my brother, my dear, but I think I'll judge whether you're part of my bit of the family ...

That sounds harsh, but it's being honest. Of course, I didn't say that to her. I was friendly, adored her PFB, and we generally get on. But if she weren't married to my brother, I'd never have met her. We move in such different circles, and have quite different values. I don't know how she feels about me, and really, unless she's outrightly rude which I know she'd never be I'm not that bothered. She rarely asks me about what I'm doing, preferring to natter on about her DCs PTA, but it's a functional relationship, and I don't feel we have to be close.

Me and my SIL don't get on, we have zero in common, when we see each other we are polite but that is as far as it goes. I have no interest really in her life as it is so completely different to mine and she feels the same way. I don't get invited to their home or her birthdays or hen do but in the same vein she wouldn't be invited to mine either.

I am pregnant and obviously told the family, my db rang to say congrats but not heard a word from her and not mentioned when I see her. but with our history I wouldn't expect her too, I want to experience my pregnancy with people who give a crap and I wouldn't both trying to waste my time in engaging her when she has no interest, it wastes everyone's time and upsets probably both sides.

Let it go and accept your relationship for what it is, polite and mandatory.

Great post Imp! I also think OP has had a rough ride on here. And in answer to "why do you care what SIL thinks?" It's not that easy to ignore! I made an effort with my DH's DSis because they are his sisters and he loves them. Simples! Congratulation cream

I agree it is a little unusual - but it sounds to me like the SIL is trying to give them her news.

I have perhaps a similar situation with my SIL.

so far I have been to her hen do, pre wedding drinks, wedding, new house celeb, baby announcements, christenings, dcs birthdays.

(and the events are very much about her)

and you are under pressure to go to e.g. first birthday: you receive a save the date card months in advance!

i am very happy with DP & i/we are not the marrying type - never have been.

of course in her eyes - big news for me (e.g. new house) - is not big news for her.

it is fair enough for her to say a wedding is more important than a new house for her, to me it isn't!

i am getting tired of it. DP has a serious condition which used to be fatal but now is manageable but not pleasant and life long. she brushes it off and shows no sympathy or interest.

i do and say enough to keep the peace but that's as much as i can do.

lady And in answer to "why do you care what SIL thinks?" It's not that easy to ignore! I made an effort with my DH's DSis because they are his sisters and he loves them?

but the op is not caring for her SIL..

I think SiL's interest in her new niece/nephew is more of an issue for your brother than for you, but it probably goes back to the wider family relationships.

I didn't expect my brother to be interested in my kids when they were babies (we are not close), and even now most contact is initiated by his wife. He seems to regard time spent with his own teenage nephews as a massive favour on his part.

I on the other hand want a relationship with my younger nephews so I just get on with it and organise to spend time with them. Its my choice and I'm not obliged.

Am I spectacularly missing the point here?....I have a sister who didn't give a monkeys about me being pregnant. She has thawed a bit since the children have got older.

Perhaps you come from a lovely supportive family OP, who delight in your happiness? I wish I did-it's normal in my family for (my) happiness to be sneered at (by my charming mother and sister-for years), so maybe you're just expecting too much.

As you might imagine, I have never ever shared with either of them my history of miscarriages. I'd be met with blank looks, and maybe an "oh dear".

flowerpotgirl12 - You've just said that your brother congratulated you. So then why would my dp's sister not congratulate him?

What is her relationship like with her family - becoming more distant. I don't take her behaviour personally, she's cutting herself off from all her family. Her M feels like she can't talk to her either.

As for her not liking me - well she never misses a birthday and invites herself to stay with us (we have never had a return invite, we stay in a hotel).

Why did he send her a scan pic - because they have a habit of communicating in pictures not words. She sent a car pic with no words, not even a 'how's it going?'. I always try and encourage him to pick up the phone instead.

Do I bore on about babies and stuff - not in the slightest. I believe in communicating though and pleasant family relations.

The aspergers things - I didn't mention because I don't want people to think I'm leading to that conclusion. However younger brother has it and dp displayed symptoms when he was young, but was never diagnosed and doesn't display symptoms now.

Her other 'nice' friends - she's never mentioned any friends. She seems to spend all her time with husband.

Me calling dp's sis cold and distant - this is based on me making a judgement from having known her for many years. I feel qualified to do this. I haven't said anything about her on here that her own brother, M or D wouldn't say. Whereas, my character has been judged on the basis of one thread on in internet forum.

Why am I posting about it - because I was hoping for people to contribute who speak from a similar experience.

Why am I bothered - because it's causing a rift. I asked him to call her last night and he won't. Together with a physical distance between us I can't see a good outcome.

And that's it! I can't explain myself/correct misread information any more without writing a book. I am thankful for all the constructive comments though.

Oh and I need to add. Her seemingly lack of friends - this is another reason why I believe the whole family thing is important, why I am trying to be caring towards her, and why I think this needs sorting out. Hence why posting in a forum, for advice

I don't think you can sort it out though, can you? It sounds like the family dynamic, and maybe you just have to let it be? I mean, what exactly could you do? Having it out with her, or whatever, would probably backfire.

because he is my brother, he didn't ring up my partner and congratulate him personally, and in her own way your sil did congratulate you.

You just need to accept what the relationship is and stop trying to make it something it isn't. She is not interested, that is the plain fact, stop trying to engage her in your pregnancy and taking it so personally that she isn't.