Sister in law ignoring pregnancy and being even more strange than normal!

[creamcarpet]

My DP's sister has always been cold and emotionally vacant (not the closest family but generally like each other's company). We have been together many years but I don't feel any connection to SIL despite the time. She makes it very hard to get close to her. We have always made polite small talk, ie, work (hers not mine), a new car, holidays, home improvements etc but nothing more.

I was pregnant last year, to which she said 'that's nice'. I then had a miscarriage and was hospitalised, we didn't hear anything from her. It was another 3 months before she got in touch, still never mentioning me or asking how I was.

I am pregnant again now and when DP told her she again said 'that's nice', DP said it sounded like he'd told her we were getting a cat. I've since seen her for the weekend and she didn't asked how I was, when it's due, said congrats, nothing. She acted increasingly strange over the weekend, ie, sitting out in the garden alone while the rest of us sat indoors and chatted; and picking at food in the restaurant, looking at the ceiling and not saying a single word to any of us.

Since returning from the weekend, she has tried to make contact by emailing pictures of her new car (with no words in the email), which DP ignored for a couple of weeks because he was so fed up with her. Last week he replied by email and sent her a pic of our scan. She hasn't replied. Do you think she's playing a tit for tat game and waiting to reply for a couple of weeks, or does she just have a major behavioural problem? And is this the weirdest SIL you ever heard of?! I've searched previous threads but none of SIL problems seems to be like mine.

PS. She has no kids, no motherly instincts, and married to a man much older than her.

Firstly appologies as I have not had an opportunity to read the thread so sorry if I am saying anything already said.

I always find these threads a bit surprising especially the assumption that you SIL may be having fertility problems because of her lack of interest in your pregnancy. From what you say your SIL isn't maternal and so I am not sure why it's surprises you she has little interest in your pregnancy (congratulations by the way ). I know that sounds awful but some people just have no interest in kids. I used to be one before falling pregnant. Pregnancy and baby conversations used to bore the crap out of me 27weeks pregnant now and they still do if I am totally honest Also maybe she was sat outside because everyone was talking babies? Was the pregnancy dominating the conversation? Sometimes when we fall pregnant we don't always realise that all we talk about is the baby and baby related things. Totally natural, we are expecting after all. If the conversation was pregnancy/baby dominated and she has no interest babies etc. it would explain why she was looking at the ceiling and not engaging in the discussion. I wouldn't let it bother you Op. At the end of the day, I am sure you have your own friends, other family members that may be much more excited for you. I do have to say though. I have never found other peoples scan pictures all that enthralling. For example I never understood why they post them on FB but each to their own. I know you want your SIL to start cooing and wowing about the scan / pregnancy but to be fair not that many people are that interested in other peoples scans/pregnancies. Most just tend to pretend!

It sounds like you would like a closer relationship with your SIL but maybe she isn't that interested in getting close in the same way you are. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you. She may just want that distance. My MIL is lovely and I love her to bits. BUT, she is constantly trying to get closer to me and pushing for the sort of relationship which would mean we constantly talk, go shopping and meet for lunch etc. Last night she even assumed she was going to come with me to do all the baby shopping I have left to do . I don't think so, I want to go with my friends! So, although I like my MIL and don’t mind the odd dinner together and odd conversation, I have no interest in getting really close. That doesn't' mean I don't like her, I do.

creamcarpet I think it's normal of you to feel a little offended and put out by someone who refuses to share in your good news and excitement. Let's face it, we all tell white lies and have the good grace to pretend to be excited at times when actually we couldn't give two hoots either way.

Of course you want your SIL to be happy for you and you want her to play a part in your baby's life. That doesn't suggest you have behavioural issues at all! I think what posters are reacting to is the implication that because your SIL is not interested, there must be something wrong with her. Can you not see how this is implied, a little, in your posts? Especially in your opening post when you asked if she had a major behavioural problem.

She may well have Aspergers (although not everyone who has Asperger's/Autism is socially inept) or she may not. I do not think it is fair to try and label your SIL in this way. As others have said, you may just need to accept that this is who your SIL is and perhaps you yourself, could have handled things your end a little more sensitively too?

I would far rather someone tell me straight that they weren't interested in my children rather than have them pretend. I can deal with honesty much better.

Give her a call, apologise for her feeling uncomfortable over the weekend (it may not have been your fault but no harm in apologising anyway) and tell her that you understand that she has no interest in your pregnancy or in children and that you will do your best not to try and drag her into any baby talk in the future. She will appreciate your efforts to make her feel more included and this may result in a closer relationship with your SIL.

Thanks LittlePeaPod for your reasoned response.

In a nutshell, there was zero talk of pregnancies/babies in her presence, I am a private person and wouldn't dream of posting anything baby/scan related to fb, I love talking about anything other than babies (I am not interested in difference between a moses basket and a crib), and I just don't want any weirdness between dp and his family.

From some of the responses I've got it appears I shouldn't give a shit about dp's relationship with his family.

Yeah, I do see how that was construed Rhubarb, I shouldn't have said it, I'm just fed up.

However I can't apologise for something I haven't done, ie, dragging her into any kind of conversation. We've talked about anything but that. She joined us for a weekend and hardly spoke to me or any of us.

It's fine Op, I was just been honest. I don't think people are saying you shouldn't give a shit about your DP's relationship with his family. I think it's more you shouldn't give a shit whether or not your SIL is over the moon or mega excited about the pregnancy / baby. The more you and your DP try to analyse the situation and force/expect her to be excited in the way you would like her to be, the more destructive this will be to the relationship as a whole. The only people that will be getting upset by this will be you and your DP. So maybe try focusing on those people that are excited and do want to share in the news and hear all about it. And with regards your SIL, just assume she isn't interested and carry on your relationship with her as it was previous to you getting pregnant. Talk about the pregnancy to your MIL and if SIL isn't interested she will take herself off or not listen, so what? You may find her attitude changes when the baby arrives or when the baby is older.

I think this is more about you and your DP accepting reality is your SIL isn't interested. Doesn't mean she is weird, strange and/or a nasty person.

I am going to throw a spanner in the works here but why should she be interested? Would you expect a bil to be interested?
It's just the way some people are - not that bothered.
My bil never asked or showed any interest in any of my pregnancies - years down the line he shows barely any interest in the dc.
It's just the way some people are.

creamcarpet she may have other things on her mind. Perhaps she didn't want to be a part of the weekend but was forced to be there? Maybe she's going through a bad time? Maybe she doesn't hide her feelings very well? Why not give her a call and say that you noticed she seemed quiet over the weekend and you wondered if anything was wrong. Thing is, by taking the initiative you are opening the door for her and allowing her to be honest with you about any issues she might have. Or if she is genuinely going through a bad time, she may well appreciate the fact that you have thought about her.

Playing games with her by emailing her pictures and waiting for a response is not the right way to go about it and I think that you realise this.

Yes we live in a world of computers and emails and texts but sometimes there is nothing better than picking up the phone and asking the obvious. It saves all this speculation does it not?

squeaky don't think you are putting a spanner in the works, it seems to be what most people think. Sorry op but you seem to have ignored most people posts and still feel totally justified in sending scan pic and expected a reation.

I don't get it, in your own words "My DP's sister has always been cold and emotionally vacant" so why is her continued 'cold and emotionally vacant' behaviour such an issue now. She hasn't changed but it appears your expectations have.

"From some of the responses I've got it appears I shouldn't give a shit about dp's relationship with his family". Theres no need to be petulant, as for any 'weirdness' between DP and his sister that is for him to negotiate.

I didn't say you had behavioural problems but your expectations in relation to your SIL response to your pregnancy are not matched, accept it and move on.

In your posts you have called SIL cold and emotionally vacant, weird and having problems. Out of the two you your SIL sounds much more likeable.

She joined us for a weekend and hardly spoke to me or any of us.

But it sounds like she had always been like that. She wasn't going to suddenly change because you are pregnant.

I think you need to adjust your expectations on her, based on what you know already.

I could be your SIL. I suspect I have reacted similarly to pregnancy announcements, for different reasons, at different times in my life.

For years I had zero interest in babies and couldn't have given a shit if someone told me they were procreating.

Then something flipped a switch and I desperately wanted kids. Since then I have spent years waiting for my husband to be ready to try and then more years of suffering of infertility and a mc. I would probably have been out in the garden choking back tears too. I recently spent the weekend when we found out that our third round of IVF had failed with my BIL and SIL and their gorgeous toddler. I drove back choking back tears for three hours and then sobbed uncontrollably when I got in. It was like the "look at what you could have won" cruel bit of a game show. If she had followed that up with a scan picture, it would probably have tipped me over the edge.

babies related or not are far more ineresting once they born and say six months old and really responding ?

op i would guess you dont even have a massive bump so it's not like anyone can see anything to comment on.

your scan pic is as exciting as, well, her car pic is to you...

Isetan - but she is cold and distant. That's not a slur on her character, I am just laying down the facts. Please tell me where I said she 'has problems'.

And I know you didn't say I had behavioural problems, someone else did. I was also told that I shouldn't give a toss about his family relationships by someone else. I can't help it if I do. If that makes her the more likeable one, then I stand corrected on being narked about it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy cream

Could it be that your PIL essentially emotionally blackmail her into coming along to these weekend get together, suggest she should book into the same hotel etc. It could be that she is basically disinterested in the whole relationship - not nasty, but only being polite for her parents' sake, and her reaction to your pregnancy is an extension of the same.

Emailing you a pic of her car without any text is the only odd thing I can see about her behaviour if she's essentially disinterested and going along with keeping in touch to keep her parents happy, rather than because she and your DP have ever had a close relationship.

In all honesty I have nothing much to say to one of my sisters, we just have nothing in common, and strongly disagree on the only topics that we both have an interest in. It would be much easier not to see her. She isn't a horrible person and neither am I but really we only stay in contact because my mother is master of emotional blackmail and trying to micromanage people's relationships and lines of communication so that they look smooth from the outside. Perhaps your MIL or FIL told your sister to tell you/ your brother about her new car. Its something my mother would do - "Why don't you call your sister about X. It would make me happy if you did. Don't talk to her about Y (usually an elephant in the room topic), you know you'll argue, and that would upset me"

All conjecture, but then this is just an internet forum where nobody actually knows the participants

*sister in law not sister

I probably should change my expectations. I kind of knew things would be like this.

I suppose this post is more about dp than me. I don't overly care that me and her aren't close (we'll never have much in common but we do like each other on the surface), but I would like her and dp/future baby to have a good relationship. As it is, they're not really speaking. And the whole family, mil included, are the types to brush things under the carpet, if we don't mention something it will go away, which is why I can't see this situation righting itself any time soon.

I do appreciate opinions of people not involved so I will try and accept it the way it is, and encourage dp to pick up the phone to her. And I don't want people to think I'm judging her on this one event. I haven't gone into years of history but I'm only fed up with her now after years of odd stuff/conversations (totally unbaby related). I'm just venting and really just hoping someone would say, 'yeah me too'.

Sounds like me when I was severely depressed. My brother's wife went into labour at 30 weeks and his new son was on life support for weeks but did I ask how they were getting on, at the very least? No. In company I often had a desire to be alone as I couldn't match anyone else's social competence. In restaurants I would hover on the border of a panic attack unless I stared at a spot on the wall somewhere.

Get her drunk and try talking then. Sounds like she needs help.

Ooh Boomerwang, you put a different slant on things. I've never thought of her as depressed, but maybe. But then again equally it could be that she just cannot broach the subject of babies/children for trauma reasons.

Her behaviour has definitely become more distant over the years, but it could have coincided with all our goings on I suppose.

She also cannot stand physical contact. Sfil has commented that he's learnt his lesson of trying to go in and kiss her hello or goodbye. Mil also said the same, she no longer tries to hug or kiss her as sil is so uncomfortable with it.

Cream I only have a second but didn't want to leave this. My SIL and I are much more distant than I would like. I don't understand her either. You are not alone.

And to other posters - this is not AIBU!!!

Depression does not sound outside the realm of possibility either.

I couldn't do physical contact either. I couldn't pick up their first child when I visited them in hospital. I was afraid of him. He moved in his incubator and I jumped a foot in the air. My family never, ever hugged or kissed, or said the 'L' word. It was hard to start doing it as it felt very strange but I forced myself eventually, finding the courage to do it after not seeing my family for months. This was after I'd been on antidepressants for a while.

Oh god I might be the sil here. Except i haven't sent anyone a pic of my car. I will do in future though. :)

I confess that though I suppose I like my sil, we are totally different perple. She is very nice, but We have nothing in common. Except that she married my brother, she isn't the kind of person I could ever imagine choosing as a friend. She, I think expected great excitement about her pregnancy, because it it she sort of thing that she would find an exciting and happy event.

I'm a bit meh. Babies are nice, but i live 100s of miles away.

Sorry op. I just don't think she's that into you!

cream, i know someone very like your sil, and it's very odd to 'get'.

it can make you feel upset, but tbh it really isn't worth hurting over. Congratulations, I hope your pregnancy goes well.

creamcarpet.

I always thought if i married someone with a sister it would be lovely as i don't have sisters so id get a ready made one iyswim. Unfortunately we are just sooo different. Im not a bigoted Sun reader for a start! Its a shame that we aren't close. We did in the past manage to be civil, but she started being quite horrible to me so now I've distanced myself and Im a lot happier.

I do think its a bit different to your situation as your sil sounds quite unusual with the staring at the ceiling etc, and depression or a social issue sounds likely. Perhaps discuss it with your dh?

Gosh, you don't like her, do you? Maybe she just doesn't like you? I'm sorry, but you really do come across as someone who expects everything to revolve around your pregnancy.

Calling someone 'cold and distant' isn't judging them? And what on earth is a maternal instinct?

One of my sisters, now with several children, so a mother, is very unmaternal. She was always a bit meh about the rest of ours' broods. She says now she's really only interested in her own children, because they're hers. She openly admits she's not really interested in children per se.

OTOH my best friend sadly (for her) didn't have children, but she is probably the most maternal person I know. She doesn't talk about it as it's really very very private to her, but she is an absolute natural with any child, and they know it.