Sister in law ignoring pregnancy and being even more strange than normal!

[creamcarpet]

My DP's sister has always been cold and emotionally vacant (not the closest family but generally like each other's company). We have been together many years but I don't feel any connection to SIL despite the time. She makes it very hard to get close to her. We have always made polite small talk, ie, work (hers not mine), a new car, holidays, home improvements etc but nothing more.

I was pregnant last year, to which she said 'that's nice'. I then had a miscarriage and was hospitalised, we didn't hear anything from her. It was another 3 months before she got in touch, still never mentioning me or asking how I was.

I am pregnant again now and when DP told her she again said 'that's nice', DP said it sounded like he'd told her we were getting a cat. I've since seen her for the weekend and she didn't asked how I was, when it's due, said congrats, nothing. She acted increasingly strange over the weekend, ie, sitting out in the garden alone while the rest of us sat indoors and chatted; and picking at food in the restaurant, looking at the ceiling and not saying a single word to any of us.

Since returning from the weekend, she has tried to make contact by emailing pictures of her new car (with no words in the email), which DP ignored for a couple of weeks because he was so fed up with her. Last week he replied by email and sent her a pic of our scan. She hasn't replied. Do you think she's playing a tit for tat game and waiting to reply for a couple of weeks, or does she just have a major behavioural problem? And is this the weirdest SIL you ever heard of?! I've searched previous threads but none of SIL problems seems to be like mine.

PS. She has no kids, no motherly instincts, and married to a man much older than her.

Maybe she would have liked children herself but hasn't been able to?

Maybe she just didn't know how to talk to you about your miscarriage. Some people don't and years ago it wouldn't have even been mentioned.

It's seems like you have never spoken to her about her not having children, so you don't know if she ever wanted any or not.

Maybe she thinks you ought to have, but now you are pregnant you expect her to be all over you. When you clearly don't have that kind of relationship.

Pregnancies like weddings I think are wonderful to you when they are your own. But when they are other people's and you've got over the first few friends doing it (either getting wed or preggers) they are a bit same old same old and boring.

1. Here's a mantra I've always found helpful: "it's rarely about you; it's usually about them".
2. If your DH wants to, he can always be direct with her, and ask her why she's not said anything about the baby. Best done by him, though.

Why the hell are you escalating all of this?

She clearly didn't tick all your boxes in terms of entertaining your expectations, she clearly is never going to be your best buddy, and you clearly have never had much in common. So bloody what? Getting all shirty because you want her to be someone different than the person she is only makes you look like the unreasonable one.

You can't change her, you can only change how you react to her. And if you react by getting upset then that's your issue, not hers.

Personally, I have to spend time with someone who bores me rigid. Who witters on and on and on about fluff. Who talks endlessly about characters on TV soaps even though she knows I don't watch TV. I probably zone out in much the way your SIL does. And when I was dealing with my fifth, sixth and seventh miscarriages I can assure you that I'd have avoided talking to someone about their pregnancy even if their waters broke in front of me.

Seriously. It's not her. It's you.

Why on earth would you send her a picture of your scan. It's your pregnancy. Why should she be interested in a pregnancy. Some women aren't, even if they have children of their own. Or maybe she is sad as she would like children of her own. Who knows. I don't think it's sad and selfish not to want to know about other people's pregancies and babies. It's probably the only way some people can cope with things in their own lives.

JustBecauseICan - I was answering Venus' query about Aspergers. I'm not implying there's any connection.
Scan/car pic situation - it was the other way round. She sent a pic of her car first, not in response to scan pic.

I am pregnant again now and when DP told her she again said 'that's nice'

What do you want her to do? She (in her own mind) has congratulated you. You have admitted that you have previously had a distant though pleasant revolving around polite small talk.

I don't understand whats changed.

I'm so glad my brother and sister didn;t email me scan photos I was childless then and wouldn't have had a clue what to say except perhaps "thats nice"!

I think you are overanalysing someone who really isn't that interested. Maybe she will be when the baby comes, maybe not but I don't see the need to make it into a big deal.

Oh dear OP, looks like you have committed the mumsnet crime of expecting members of your family to be interested in you or polite to you at social gatherings. I especially love the fact that it was suggested that you're the one with behavioural problems!

Your sil may not like children, she may be suffering from some deep rooted trauma or tragedy, but you don't know that, because she has no relationship with you and seems unwilling to try and form one. She has been quite rude in her treatment of you, and you are right to consider that odd, and be worried about what kind of relationship you will realistically have in the future. It's no crime to be disappointed when people don't even bother to take the time to show an interest in you, or anything in your life, whatever that may be. Try not to let it get to you too much, you can't force a relationship with someone, so I would stop even expecting anything from her. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and good luck!

FWIW my brother and sister didn't know about my fertility issues either until I got as far as (failed) IVF

Some people just aren't interested. DH and I are very sad his brother doesn't show any real interest in our children, is very generous at Christmas and birthdays, but we would rather have more time and less presents. He hasn't even called to see how our child did with the 11+ but then he never does call to see how anything went so we accept things are like they are and that won't change. We embrace the two older ladies who are interested in what our children are up too and I think of them as my family.

Kalevala - I don;t think its a crime to want your family to be interested in you. But this SIl hasn;t been previously - why would you suddenly expect that to change. It may be rude/cold etc or it may hide bigger issues but its hardly unexpected from what OP has said.

OP, you've taken a bit of a bashing here.

I think that whilst it's natural for you to be excited about this pregnancy, particularly given your sad miscarriage, and for you to want others to share in the excitement, you have to understand that some people are different.

She may have a tragic backstory that you don't know about, this is true. But she may also just not be interested in children. I have many friends who have made a conscious decision not to have kids. They aren't interested in them at all. Now I can sympathise with this because before we had our happy accident, we weren't planning any of our own and had no interest in them either. If someone showed me a picture of their scan I'm afraid I probably didn't even feign interest. To me it's the equivalent of someone showing off a picture of their cat or dog or car even.

Perhaps your SIL doesn't have great people skills. Perhaps she had no idea what to say to you after your miscarriage so didn't. It's a normal human response - people say that even good friends tend to avoid them after a death because they just don't know how to respond to such a tragedy.

You need to cut her some slack here. She has tried to convey you the message that she isn't interested in your pregnancy and you have taken offence at that. But really, that's not her problem is it? She has no kids and no maternal instinct, so she has very different interests to you. You have clashing personalities. That requires a lot of sensitivity on both parts.

On your part, you could have made the effort and said something nice about her new car and in return she may have made the right noises about your scan picture. But I agree with others, don't include her in the pregnancy when she clearly doesn't want to be. It makes her feel uncomfortable and no-one should be made to feel that uncomfortable that they have to sit outside.

Change your attitude towards your SIL and you might find her a little easier to get along with.

I agree with heartisaspade there. She has put it in a nutshell really.
Why are you even concerned about this?
Bil (dh's brother) wasn't remotely interested in any of our pregnancies beyond a vague 'oh...congratulations'. It never occured to me to take it personally - he isn't obliged to give a toss, and he didn't.
Never bothered me!

I know I know, I don't know what I expected really. This is standard from her.
What is confusing though is that when she found out we were coming to visit she tried to book in the same hotel as us (although couldn't as it was fully booked), so she wants to see us and have a relationship, but then won't speak about important life events.
Honestly, I really don't want anything to revolve around me. I just want the conversation to flow naturally, and not feel like there's a big elephant in the room next to us and there's 'that thing that no-one speaks of'.
I also acknowledge things could be far worse. I've read some in-law horror stories on here and some of them are nightmareish.

Cream carpet you sound very pleasant.

How about giving sil and your dh space to talk about the things that they have in common.

Or if the pregnancy is off the agenda, what do you have in common with SIL, what common ground can you work on?

creamcarpet it sounds to me as though she is trying, in her own way. I think you need to accept that she is not interested in the pregnancy or in babies. Make time to see her without your other friends being there and simply try not to mention the pregnancy. You could even acknowledge her feelings by saying "Look, I know you aren't interested in baby things so I promise we'll steer clear of the subject as best we can."

To be fair, when I was pg it was a relief to be amongst friends who didn't keep asking me about when I was due or how it felt. They treated me just the same as ever and I was very grateful for that. In turn when with these friends dh and I steer clear of talking about the kids and don't expect them to pretend to be interested at all. I don't take offence whatsoever, just like they wouldn't take offence if I didn't ask how their dog was or feign interest in their varying sporting competitions.

We all have different interests and passions but we are all able to be discreet when together and make time for the interests that we do share - each other, drink and a great sense of humour!

You know what I'm not all that interested in other peoples pregnancies either.

If a relative sent me a scan picture or a car picture I wouldnt reply either - is that so unusual ??

But I do agree with you she could have and should have been more sensitive when you had your MC. That was plain odd.

it is not odd - before i had children I would have had absolutely NO IDEA what to say or not say to a woman who had suffered a miscarriage, it was just awkward and embarrassing and probably best not mentioned.....

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I'm an adoptive parent who also buried two babies and had two other pregnancy losses, even now many years later I'm not that interested in other people's pregnancies.
You do know that Aspergers/ASD (and ADHD) have a familial component? If there is a brother with Aspergers maybe she has it too, but has never been diagnosed. As someone else said, may be she thinks she's done nothing wrong. If she's always been like this and it is something like Aspergers she's not going to change any time soon. People with Aspergers don't always understand the rules of social communication and make mistakes without wanting to.
Like other people have said, enjoy your pregnancy and I hope everything turns out well for you, but I think you just need to accept she is how she is.

Just sounds like she didn't know what to say to you after the miscarriage for fear of upsetting you. Then when you announced you were pregnant again assumed that you would be scared of another miscarriage so didn't dare raise the subject. All the looking around feeling uncomfortable could have been down to that and her taking her lead from you in not discussing your pregnancy.

I can imagine behaving similarly when younger and pre-pregnancy.

If you've never had a close relationship where you discuss feelings it isnt likely to happen unless you all make the effort to open up (and she wants to!). Alternatively just appreciate each other for how you are. She certainly doesnt seem unpleasant, just not giving the responses you'd like without being told you'd like them..

I might be accused of drip feeding now, sorry. But dp and sil's younger half-brother has ADHD and Aspergers.

Seriously! What reaction were you hoping the above statement would get from us "Oh she must be on the spectrum thats why she isn't doing cartwheels". If she is on the spectrum then you could have worked out for yourself that her underwhelmed response might be connected.

Theres not enough information for us or you to speculate as to whether SIL is on the spectrum or has issues relating to conceiving. She appears disinterested, which she is entitled to feel, whats more confusing and annoying is why you can't/ won't accept that.

Your pregnant, congratulations. Pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child will give you enough to worry and think about without you actively looking for drama.

It doesn't sound as though this behaviour is unusual for her at all so i don't understand why you are surprised.

Aspergers or something sounds like a possibility but even if there is nothing diagnosable (did i just make up a new word?) this is how she is. You can't change her.

You would probably be best off accepting her for how she is.

You say that she tried to book a hotel and so wanted to see you. Don't dismiss that interest and you shouldn't punish her for being the way she is by not commenting on her car pic.

I feel bad for her.

I suppose so Kewcumber, I guess the thing I was referring to was the staring at the ceiling while at dinner, the escalating of the detached behaviour that the OP mentioned. Yes, of course it may be that she's finding it all hard to deal with, but because she's made little effort to build up a rapport with the OP, it's hard to say if that is the issue, or if the issue is that she's just actually quite rude.

I just don't think it's fair for people to be saying that the OP is at fault for even having the temerity to expect a positive response from her in the first place. What I picked up on is that the OP is worried about what this will mean for future family relationships, and whether the sil will have a close relationship with her child. There's nothing wrong with worrying about that. But I think essentially what everyone is saying is that you can't force this; if sil doesn't want a relationship then there's nothing to be done, accept it and try not to let it get to you.

Isetan - I wasn't expecting anything (and why I didn't mention it in original post). It was in response to someone else's query about Aspergers.

I also refused to rise to being told I may be the one with behavioural problems, I'm nasty, I want it all to revolve around me, I want drama etc. I won't get outraged by assumptions.